Funny or Die asked the best sketch groups in the world to play around in their... more »

Full Credits

Joe Hartzler - Baseball Player #1
Wayland McQueen - Baseball Player #2
Katie Orr - Angela Diamond
Joe Hartzler - Dr. Victor Vanvonovitch
Joe Hartzler - Amesly Hellmouth
Joe Hartzler - Himself
Alana Johnston - Joette
Scott Bell - Himself
Sergio Cilli - Delivery Guy
Timm Sharp - Big Shot Comedy Executive
Scott Rodgers - Other Big Shot Comedy Executive
Casey Feigh - Jerry
Fran Gillespie - Chad
Josh Simpson - Chris
Pam Murphy - Jackie (Ma)
Joe Hartzler - Chris
Barak Hardley - Clark
Cassandra Lee Walker - Tara
Mike Hanford - Darnell Green (The Director)
Ross Buran - Sound Dude
Matt Mazany - Guy who says "Hot Set! Don't Touch That"
David Neher - Gram Parsons
Ben Parks - Another Big Shot Exec
Amy Eicher - Yet Another Big Shot Exec
Director: Brad Schultz
Cinematographer: Aaron Ulrich
Second Unit Cinematographer: Matt Sweeney
Sound Mixers: Leo Nasca
Sound Mixer with Botown Sound: Bo Sundberg
Sound Mixer with BurTown Sound: Ross Buran
Producer Matt Mazany
Written by: Joe Hartzler
All stunts performed by Joe Hartzler

Transcript

[SOUND]
[MUSIC]
[SOUND]
[SOUND]
[MUSIC]
I mean, it's so strange.
I can't remember the last
time I played catch.

> Some things you never forget.
[MUSIC]
All right.
[INAUDIBLE]

> Race you.

> Okay.

> [LAUGH]
[MUSIC]

> Ice cream after?

> Your treat?

> Hey, watch it.

> Oh.
[MUSIC]
I don't know, I don't know.

> All right.
I get it.

> Yup.

> Relax.

> Sorry about that.
No, I'm all right.
[MUSIC]

> You okay?

> So sorry.

> What's going on with you?

> Nothing, it's just been a while,
it's been a long time.

> What are you doing?

> What are you doing?

> Throw it to the glove!
[MUSIC]

> Come on man.
Think!

> This one's right to you.
[SOUND]

> When was the last time you
played catch?

> I haven't played in a long time.

> I didn't see it.
[MUSIC]

> Get up, Guile.

> Who's there?

> There's nothing better than
playing catch in the park.

> Did you see it?

> [MUSIC] [NOISE] >: Just
throw into the glove.
[NOISE]

> Stop overthrowing it.
[SOUND]

> What are you doing?

> You're killing him.

> [NOISE]

> [NOISE] [SOUND]

> [NOISE]

> No!
I'll get it.
[SOUND]
[MUSIC]

> It's perfect.
[MUSIC]

> Hey Joe.
I was going through some boxes and
I I found something you might
want to take a look at.
[NOISE]
[APPLAUSE]

> I'm going skateboarding.

> Hey,
I haven't heard you laugh in a long time.

> It's like I said before.
Nothings funny anymore.
Oh, ow.
[MUSIC]
[SOUND]
[MUSIC]
[SOUND]
[MUSIC]

> [SOUND] Special deliver for FedEx.

> [SOUND]
Thanks.
Make a hit sketch comedy video based on
your hit comedy for our comedy website.
Enclosed is a check for $100 dollars.
Holy shit.
Important.
Absolutely no stunts.
Hello?

> You received our package.

> Yeah I've got it right here.

> We're gonna need a cut of that
comedy by the end of next week Joe.

> No problem I've got all the sketches
written I've got one about a guy who
farts on a bird and
then he farts on a cupcake.

> [LAUGH] [SOUND] That's great.
That's exactly the kind of
comedy we're looking for.

> Yeah.
Hilarious.

> And Joe, do not fuck me on this.
We got him.

> Great.

> Listen, Scott Bell.
I'm worried about Joe.

> I'm worried about Joe, too.
I'll say something.
Joe, rent's due and we need groceries.

> I have a plan.

> Joe, he's right.

> I said I have a plan.
Take a look at this.

> $100, comedy video, no stunts.
Take a look, Scott.
I don't like these terms.

> She's right.
The terms of this are absolutely binding.

> Absolutely binding?

> Look, I'm gonna make a video all right.
I'm gonna make Desert Sun Rising AKA Hero
with No Masters,
my action hero rock and roll
physiological thriller set in the desert.

> No.
No, no, no.

> I'm going to be a super star.
Not just a super star,
a rock and roll super star.

> Why don't you just be a comedy star?

> I don't want to be a comedy super star!
It's like I said, nothing's funny anymore.
It's only action hero stuff.
What's her problem?
Listen, Joe, if you're not careful,
you're gonna lose her.
[MUSIC]

> You really gonna do this?

> It's my last chance.

> What are you chasing?

> I'm chasing my destiny.

> [SOUND] Oh, my God,
did you just fart on me?

> What no.

> Go to the bathroom, you are gross.

> Okay, I'm a human being [SOUND]
I ate pasta salad for lunch.
[SOUND] Oh my god, Joette.

> Well a gal's gotta let loose.
I ate the same stuff you did today.
[MUSIC]

> Yes!
I think you're ready.

> Me too.
Let's go to the desert and make me
an action hero slash rock and roll star.
Shotgun.
[SOUND]

> Yes, good, you made it.
Evil one.
Good, Jerry, Chris.

> Hello.

> Chad, allow me to reveal my evil plans.
[GASP]

> It's supposed to be larger,
Kinko screwed me on this one.
Let me explain.
Using the precious
remaining California water,
I will divert it to the desert, and
flood it for my luxury boating resort.
Yes!
[LAUGH]

> What?

> Yeah, I don't get that.

> Well, look at the plan,
are you looking?

> It says evil plan, yeah.

> Yeah, no.
I get that,
that says evil plan but-

> Are people interested in luxury boating
resorts, is this like
a money making evil plan?

> Dude, honestly, Jerry, since you did
business school, you're like, an egghead.

> My wife and kids are gonna wanna know,
like when I'm spending 12 hours a day,
they wanna make sure like, is this gonna
bring money into the family, right?
So financially speaking,
this is a good investment plan?

> God dammit, are you guys really
gonna grill my nuts on this thing?

> What makes it luxury?

> What?
Fancy things.

> Okay, what are we talking,
like hair spray in the bathroom?

> Sure.

> What if we did this, but
then we took hostages,

> Yes.

> And we started to-

> No, Jerry, god dammit!
I'm not Joseph Kony.

> Yeah, he was evil,
he did terrible things.

> [SOUND] Don't, dude,
stop comparing me to Kony.

> We're not, because-

> Joseph Kony is a warlord, man.
I'm a different style of evil guy.
Look, we're gonna make a luxury boating
resort where there should be no water.

> What if we gathered a bunch of
teen girls and made it a sex ring?

> I'm not, look every evil guy does
the teen girl sex ring, that's not my jam.
I'm not gay, I'm just, whatever.

> A girl sex ring makes you straight.

> I'm not gay!

> We don't care if you are.

> Just be gay.

> No, but I'm not!

> My best henchman's here.

> What's his name?

> I forget it.

> What's his name though?

> Ted Duncan?

> Ted who?

> Johnson.

> Johnson, Ted Johnson.

> Don't Facebook, man.

> Oh, I know Ted.
I know Ted Johnson really well.

> Do you even have a boat?

> No, but that's part of the appeal for
me, get to learn new things.

> Is this whole thing just so
you can get into boating?

> I like boats.

> You like looking at them?
Because it's a different
thing to be on them.

> Is it?

> I'm out, I think.

> I mean, unless there's like a pyramid
scheme, like we get people's information
and then we include-

> Jerry, I am rescinding my offer.
Okay, I gave you a chance to get in
on the ground floor of this thing.

> So it's not happening?

> No, what is that?

> Oh shit!
[SIREN]

> No, leave it, it stays!

> Don't, don't, don't.

> I'm taking you with me.
I'm taking it.

> Let him.

> All right.

> Don't use the flash!

> Should we get outta here?

> Yeah.

> Quizno's, baby!

> I'm gonna leave my car.
[MUSIC]

> Don't look so glum buddy.

> Ma, you're making me move away
from the city and the climbing gym,
at which I'm a champion, to move to
the desert where I don't know anybody.

> You'll make new friends.

> I don't wanna make new friends Ma.
[VEHICLE ENGINE]

> Dammit.
Dammit.

> So you're the new guy, huh?
What do you climb in the city,
light poles?
[LAUGH]

> I climbed in a gym.
[MUSIC]
Yes, whoo, stay off my line!

> Wow, he's sorta good.
[MUSIC]

> Oh!

> Why are you wearing those sunglasses?
Oh, my God.

> Oh, no, no, no

> But I love you!

> Arghh!

> Why'd you do this to me Ma?
Why?

> Cut.
You can't walk back and
forth through there.
I'm just, I'm acting.
I'm deep in character.
Okay, guys, let's go again right away.
Action.

> Joe, hold on a second.

> Roll it.

> Wait, wait.
Can we just do the motorcycle
scene please, everyone prep and
we've gotta do camera movements,
it's gonna take a few minutes.

> Listen, as long as I look cool,
if I don't look cool it's your ass.

> You're gonna look cool all right,
everyone's gonna think you're cool,
you're cool you've got the coat on.

> Okay, that's what you keep telling
me but you said no to the face tattoo.

> Everybody's just gonna take
a little break here for a second-

> No breaks!
God dammit, Darnell,
I'm getting sick of your shit.
Hey, let's get ready for
the big motorcycle scene people!

> Yeah, let's do that, please everyone,
you know where we are here, right?

> I'm ready to shoot the scene, fuck you!

> Don't-

> [LAUGH] He's ad libbing.
That's great.
Don't say fuck you.

> Action!

> I'll say action.
Everyone.

> Action.

> Nah, Nah,
I'll yell action, don't,
we're not actioning anything.
Would you stop,
we have to discuss the scene, Joe.
Hey, come on these are new!
These are brand new running shoes.
[ENGINE].
Right here, I need to talk you.

> Okay, I think we got that people!

> We didn't even start getting it!

> Cut!

> No cut, yes, let me say that!

> Darnell stay off my shit.
This is my set people.
Company move!
Get the big jump ready!
Listen Darnell, I am this close to
walking off this set if you fuck with me!
Don't, no no no no no!

> Yeah, you're not going anywhere boy!

> Oh, shit!
I'm done, give me my guitar.
I'm done with this bullshit.

> You don't have a motorcycle license.
Will you please stop?

> When I say bring the guitar,
you run after my guitar.

> Put the guitar,
he moved at a fine pace.
You're doing fine, Scott.
You moved very briskly,
I'm proud of you for that.

> Don't tell my man what he's not doing,
when he's doing something fine.
If I say he's not doing it good,
he's not doing it good.
You are gonna need something someday,
and guess who's not gonna be there?
Joey Harts,
the hartsman hartsler, fuck you.

> I'm never going to need
anything from you except for
maybe a ride on that bike, man.

> Well too late,
cuz this bike's screaming out of
town with all the rock and roll jams and
all the stunts and the talent.
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
I never liked you, I never liked you.
I was only pretending to be your friend so
you would do this.

> He's lying he likes all of
you very much, he told me.

> I can't hear you.

> Stop the engine.

> [ENGINE].
What?

> Stop revving the engine do you can
hear me!
He's doing it on purpose,
he's revving it on purpose.
[NOISE] Stop, don't!

> Joe, what about your action movie?
God dammit!
Jesus!

> Hot set.
Hot set don't touch that.

> Sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know if we.
I don't know if it matters much anymore.
I don't think Joe's coming back.
[MUSIC]

> Maybe I was too hard on Darnell.
He means well.
I'm gonna go back there and apologize.
Okay.
[ENGINE
NOISE]
Guys?
My skateboard, they're close.
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
[MUSIC]
You got any molly?

> Jesus.

> Name's Aimsley Helmouth.

> Kinda quiet out here, huh?

> Well, it's not so
quiet if you know what to listen for.
Listen, sh.
Desert stuff.

> I guess.

> Almost out of wood for the fire.
Wish there was something wood
we could throw on there.

> I've got my skateboard.

> Oh!
Your skateboard?
You brought it up, not me.
So it's up to you pal.

> My dad's right.
I suck.

> Well, if you suck,
throw it on, good job.
Here, eat this.

> What's that?

> The third eye.

> A magic mushroom.

> Now let me tell you of a man,
the one-eyed man.
He wishes to destroy
the desert.
[STATIC].
[SCREAM].
The one-eyed man.

> [INAUDIBLE].
{STATIC].
I fucked a turtle once.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
[LAUGH]

> Joe!
Hey Joe!

> Holy shit.

> It's me, Graham Parsons.

> Graham Parsons?
I'm tripping balls.

> Yeah, you are.
[LAUGH] You're looking at me like.

> Whoa.

> Did I ever tell you about the time
I tripped so hard that I died?

> No.

> Well, I was tripping hard and
then I never woke up.

> Got it.

> Big man upstairs says you want to be
a rock and roll star.

> And an action hero.
But I suck and all my songs suck.

> Who cares?
You used to be a comedian, right?

> Nothing's funny anymore.

> You should try being in Heaven for
five minutes.
I tell you,
these angels have no sense of humor.
Their idea of a joke is saying, random,
or awkward, and I'm done with that shit.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, that stuff sucks.

> I think it's time I oughta be
chug a lugging on down the old road,
if you know what I mean.

> Don't chug a lug.

> Joe, I can't even hear what you're
saying right now because I'm chug
a lugging on down the road.

> Wait,
why are your arms waving like that?

> Oh, you know, I thought you were
tripping so I just kind of do that.
I actually don't know
why I was doing that.
It's actually kinda wearing me out.
All right, see ya Joe.

> [SCREAM].
Joette?
What?

> That's right, it was me all along.

> Wait.

> I'm you.
You're me.
It's like Fight Club.

> I don't know what Fight Club is.

> You never saw Fight Club?
Oh my gosh, it's awesome!
Have you seen Identity?
John Cusack?

> I never saw that movie.

> Similar thing, not as well-executed.

> I'll check it out.

> Well, good luck Buster.
You don't need me anymore.

> Well, this is a cool twist.
I didn't see it coming.

> See you, Buster Brown.
[KISS]

> Fucking awesome.
[MUSIC]
Let's go save the fucking planet.
[MUSIC]
Hey!
[MUSIC]
You're done, Vanbonavich.

> I would have gotten away with it if it
wasn't for your action hero, Stunt Rocket-

> [PUNCHING]
[MUSIC]
Stick around and
down, stick around.
Stick around
and down,
stick around.
So awesome.

> What happened to the whole idea
with the man farting on the bird and?

> Oh, didn't you hear?
I had a death in the family.
My great aunt give-a-shit died.
[MUSIC]
So I don't give-a-shit.

> We paid $100 for this, Joe.
What the fuck?

> Fuck you.

> Do you want to die?

> [MUSIC]
[DOOR CLOSING].
[KNOCK]

> Hi, I'm sorry,
I left my DVD over there,
and that's my only copy of.
I'll just go grab it.
Thank you.
Got it, thanks.
My car has a boot on it downstairs.
There's a boot on my car.
I don't know who.
Okay.
Fuck you.
[DOOR CLOSING]

Advertisement
Advertisement