Asian Conan Ep. 1

Uploader

TeamCoCo

Director

Brad Schulz

Writer

Josh Simpson

Producer

Funny Or Die

Actor

Steven_Ho

Cinematographer

kevinstewart

Make Up Artist

Kat Bardot

Additional Credits [+]

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The video opens with a shot of a Steven Ho walking out of a sunset.
Kris Kula (voiceover): For over twenty years he led his monastery until, one day, another monk took his place.
The shot cuts to Steven Ho walking on a city street. Steven Ho is wearing a red wig reminiscent of Conan O'Brien's hair.
Kris Kula (voiceover): Pushed to the streets, he started searching for a new purpose. A man determined to rid the world of cynicism, unkind behavior and procrastination. During his search, he discovered a mysterious bag of fortune cookies.
The shot cuts to Steven Ho holding up a bag of fortune cookies.
Kris Kula (voiceover): These cookies contained no fortunes, but rather windows into the underbelly of evil that plagues Los Angeles.
The shot cuts to a montage of clips showing Steven Ho running.
Kris Kula (voiceover): And so he began a new journey. A journey to fight. Now, he stands alone.
The shot cuts to Steven Ho practicing a series of martial arts kicks and punches.
Kris Kula (voiceover): He is Asian Conan.
The following text appears: ASIAN CONAN.
The shot cuts to Steven Ho in a kitchen. He cracks open one of the mysterious fortune cookies and pulls out a ridiculously long slip of paper. Steven Ho begins to read the paper.
Kris Kula (voiceover): In the old days, men would gather to watch dogs and cocks fight.
The shot cuts to a still image of dogs fighting and then to cocks fighting.
Kris Kula (voiceover): These men would place bets at the expense of the animals lives.
The shot cuts to a still image of men.
Kris Kula (voiceover): Downtown there is a boxing gym specializing in death fight, not of the animal kind, of the human kind, and these humans are children!
There is montage of still images from the boxing gym. The shot then cuts back to Steven Ho reading the slip of paper. The text on the slip of paper is scrolling across the top of the screen.
Kris Kula (voiceover): Sorry to get carried away there but come on kids, that just burns my bridges.
Steven Ho nods affirmatively.
Kris Kula (voiceover): Anyway, the kids live like slaves there and fight to survive.
A montage of still images of the kids in cages and fighting is shown.
Kris Kula (voiceover): The place is run by a man named Bernard.
The shot cuts to Pierre Bernard Jr. being let into the gym by some henchmen.
Kris Kula (voiceover): No one knows much about him except that he loves money and his cronies run the place with an iron fist.
There is montage of images from the gym featuring Bernard's cronies being cruel to the kids.
Kris Kula: Your mission is to bring Bernard to justice and shut down this evil, evil gym.
The shot cuts to Steven Ho who gets a serious look on his face, adjust his head to the sound of vertebrae cracking into place. The shot then cuts to Steven Ho approaching the door of the evil, evil gym. Two cronies are guarding the door. One of them stops Steven Ho.
Crony #2: What's the password.
Steven Ho: Ayah.
The cronies look confused.
Steven Ho: Ayah!
Steven Ho attacks the cronies and leaves them unconscious. He enters the gym and knocks out another crony inside the door. He walks down some steps toward the ring. A crony approaches him.
Crony: Hi, welcome to Kiddy Fight Club, it's twenty...
Steven Ho kicks the crony and silence falls. The shot cuts to a kid who points and says...
Kid: Oh shit, it's Asian Conan.
Chaos erupts inside the gym, with people running and screaming. The shot cuts to Pierre Bernard Jr. sitting in a chair.
Pierre Bernard Jr.: Yo, bitch, turn me around. Come on, turn me around. I can't see what's going on. Come on, turn me around.
A crony turns the chair.
Pierre Bernard Jr.: That's enough, ho.
The shot cuts to Steven Ho, who unbuttons his suit jacket. Rock music starts playing. The shot cuts back to Pierre Bernard Jr.
Pierre Bernard Jr.: Get him.
A fight scene ensues and Steven Ho defeats several assailants. The shot cuts to Pierre Bernard Jr.
Pierre Bernard Jr.: No! No! I've got to get out of here.
Pierre Bernard Jr. tries to run away and Steven Ho catches him.
Steven Ho: It's time to pay.
Pierre Bernard Jr.: Oh no.
Benjamin J. Reesing approaches from behind and hits Steven Ho. Pierre Bernard Jr. runs away.
Pierre Bernard Jr.: Alright.
Benjamin J. Reesing and Steven Ho fight. Benjamin J. Reesing gets Steven Ho in a headlock.
Steven Ho: Why do you do this? They're just kids.
Benjamin J. Reesing rattles off something that could be an Asian language. The following subtitles appear: IT DOESN'T MATTER! NOTHING MATTERS!
Steven Ho: Cynicism!
There is a extreme close-up of Steven Ho's eyes.
Steven Ho: I hate cynicism!
The Eye of the Tiger begins to play and Steven Ho escapes the headlock and begins to defeat Benjamin J. Reesing. A shot is heard and Benjamin J. Reesing falls to the floor with a bullet hole in his head. The shot cuts to Pierre Bernard Jr. holding a two gun.
Pierre Bernard Jr.: Let's dance.
There is a short Matrix style sequence as Steven Ho dodges bullets. He is not fast enough and is hit by a bullet. He is bent over at the waist.
Pierre Bernard Jr.: Alright, Asian Conan, now you die mother fucker.
Pierre Bernard Jr. shoots at Steven Ho and Steven Ho catches the bullet.
Steven Ho: That was very unkind.
Steven Ho spins and throws the bullet at Pierre Bernard Jr. The bullet pierces Pierre Bernard Jr.'s head and he falls, dead. Steven Ho does a little hair toss and then Richard “La Bamba” Rosenberg walks up to the body of Pierre Bernard Jr. and plays a silly, cartoon sequence on the trombone. Steven Ho nods to Richard “La Bamba” Rosenberg and the shot cuts to Steven Ho standing outside, eating ice cream. The following text appears: ASIAN CONAN. The shot then cuts to a news report.
Suzanne Marques: It is estimated that up to 300 children have fought for their lives in this boxing gym run by Pierre Bernard, now deceased, but little is known about the identity of this redheaded hero that saved them. One thing is certain. The people of Los Angeles can rest a little easier tonight.
The shot cuts to the following text: ASIAN CONAN