You wanted to speak to me about my performance evaluation?
Yes, Simmons. Since you scored seventeen percent lower than your project teammates on your overall evaluation, we're going to stop calling you simmons, and start calling you shithead.
Well, we can't call you a retard because, if you actually have downs syndrome, HR will be all over us. And we can't call you dumbass because references to sexualized human anatomy is a whole other Human Resources pickle. And since you don't literally have a head made of shit, I assume, we figured this was the best term to belittle you for your poor performance.
That seems harsh but fair. It beats having the whole office line up and take turns sodomizing me with a broom handle.
It's true. Speaking of which, Thompson in accounting scored three percent lower than you on his evaluation, so I hope you remembered to bring a lubed broom handle to work today.