Cold Dead Hand. Don't be afraid. It's just a funny little song.
Published March 24, 2013 4.5m views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Jim Carrey
Featuring Bill Oberst Jr, Dink O'Neal, Justin Kelly, Neal Kumar, Cate Beehan, Tia Barr, Whitmer Thomas, Clay Tatum, Russel Wadle
Producers Betsy Koch, Matt Mazany, and Michael Aguilar
Associate Producers - Nicole Montez and Linda Hill
Directors - Nick Corirossi and Charles Ingram
Director of Photography - Kevin Atkinson
Music Produced by E of the EELS
Music Written by Jim Carrey
Lead Vocals: Jim Carrey
Arranged by: Jane Carrey and Kyle Turek
Recorded at The Compound
Recorded and Mixed by Koool G Murder and P-Boo
Mastered by Dan Hersch, D2 Mstering
Production Sound by Botown Sound
Production Sound Mixer Ryan Knouf
ADR - Brennan McVicar at Silver Sound
Production Designer - Flower Cole
Wardrobe Stylist - Melissa Gould McNeely
Wardrobe Assist - Alexandra Casey
Camera Operator - Gabe Diniz, Yoni Aviaram
DIT - Dan Moses
Gaffer - Corrin Hodgeson
Construction Coordinator - Lupe Sanchez
Set Decorator- Ananda Friedman
Art Assistant-Matthew Berry
Key Grip - Michael Asinger
Electric - Adrienne Garcia
Swing - Michael Tingley
Make Up FX - MillsFX
Make Up/Hair - Chris Mills, Amy Mills
Make Up Assist - Brenna Haukedahl
PA - Luis Sanchez, Andrew Grissom, Anthony Knasas, Ross Buran
68,424 Funny Votes
35,101 Die Votes
4,502,251 Views
Published: March 24, 2013

Announcer: [Laughter] Hee Haw!
Male Actor: Why did the ventriloquist quit drinking?
Male Actor: Cause he was acting like a real dummy!
[Laughter]
Walter: Well hi-ho and howdy, fine folks. And welcome back to Hee Haw.
Walter: We want to thank our special guest Charlton Heston for joining us.
Jim Carrey: Walter. It's an absolute pleasure to be here in the sight of God
Jim Carrey: on Hee Haw.
Jim Carrey: But who would be laughing, if it weren't for the patriots
Jim Carrey: who answer the call of freedom?
Walter: Well, I...
Jim Carrey: The aliens. They would exploit our every weakness,
Jim Carrey: and suck the brains out of every living soul.
Jim Carrey: They'd be laughing. But, not like you and me.
Jim Carrey: They'd go bee bee bee beep beep!
Jim Carrey: Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. [Whistling]
Walter: Well, we want to leave you with the sweet as molasses sounds
Walter: of a band I'm sure you're all gonna like.
Walter: Hens and roosters, lend an ear to Lonesome Earl and the Clutter Busters.
[Clapping]
[Music Playing]
Lonesome Earl: [Singing] Some folks ride like the wind.
Lonesome Earl: With the whispering pines to guide them.
Lonesome Earl: And the burning light inside them
Lonesome Earl: keeps them warm in the snow.
Lonesome Earl: Others fear the sounds they hear.
Lonesome Earl: Make banditos out of mole hills.
Lonesome Earl: Fill their hearts with porcupine quills.
Lonesome Earl: They're dead and buried long before they go.
Lonesome Earl: Charlton Heston movies are no longer in demand,
Lonesome Earl: and his immortal soul may lay forever in the sand.
Lonesome Earl: The angels wouldn't take him up to Heaven like he planned,
Lonesome Earl: 'cause they couldn't pry that gun from his cold dead hand.
Jim Carrey: What did he say?
Lonesome Earl: [Singing] It takes a cold, dead hand to decide to pull the trigger.
Lonesome Earl: It takes a cold, dead heart, and as near as I can figure,
Lonesome Earl: with your cold, dead aim you're trying to prove your d**k is bigger,
Lonesome Earl: but we know your chariot may not be swingin' low.
[Wolf Howl]
Lonesome Earl: Cold dead hand, cold dead hand.
Lonesome Earl: Cold dead hand, cold dead hand.
Lonesome Earl: You're a big big man with a little bitty gland, so you need something bigger just to fill your-
Jim Carrey: They're making fun of everything I hold dear. Walter?
Lonesome Earl: Imagine if the Lord were here,
Lonesome Earl: and he knew what you've been thinking.
Lonesome Earl: Would his sacred heart be sinking
Lonesome Earl: into the canyon of dismay?
Lonesome Earl: And on the ones who sell the guns,
Lonesome Earl: he'd sick vultures and coyotes.
Lonesome Earl: Only the devil's true devotees
Lonesome Earl: could profiteer from pain and fear.
Lonesome Earl: Charlton Heston movies are no longer in demand.
Lonesome Earl: And his immortal soul may lay forever in the sand.
Lonesome Earl: The angels wouldn't take him up to Heaven like he planned,
Lonesome Earl: 'cause they couldn't pry that gun from his cold dead hand.
Lonesome Earl: It takes a cold dead hand to decide to pull the trigger.
Lonesome Earl: Takes a cold dead heart and as near as I can figure,
Lonesome Earl: with your cold-
Jim Carrey: Hi. I'm clearly Sam Elliot.
Jim Carrey: Pay attention hombres, this boy's got somethin' to say.
Jim Carrey: Budding social satire. It goes down smooth.
Jim Carrey: Enjoy the show. I'm gonna watch that sunset.
Lonesome Earl: ...Cold dead hand.
Lonesome Earl: Cold dead hand, cold dead hand.
Lonesome Earl: You're a big big man with a little bitty gland,
Lonesome Earl: so you need something bigger with a hair-pin trigger.
Lonesome Earl: You don't want to get caught with your trousers down
Lonesome Earl: when the psycho killer comes around.
Lonesome Earl: So you make your home like a thunder-dome, and you're always packing everywhere you roam.
Lonesome Earl: But the psychos win no matter what you do, 'cause they're gonna buy way more guns than you.
Lonesome Earl: And while you're stumbling out of bed, they put five rounds in the back of your head.
Lonesome Earl: Or you get depressed 'cause the money runs out. Then you put your own shotgun in your mouth,
Lonesome Earl: and your kids walk in and they find you there. Like a headless stump in your underwear.
Lonesome Earl: And they move the gun and it kills them too, but your wife just doesn't know what to do.
Lonesome Earl: But she takes a hand grenade from her shoe, and she pulls the pin.
Lonesome Earl: And it's all on you.
Lonesome Earl: And your cold dead hand. [Gun Shot]
Female Actress: Well, what in the heck was that?
Jim Carrey: I accidentally shot my foot off.
Female Actress: Aw, shoot.
[Laughter]
Announcer: Hee haw.

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