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Cold Dead Hand. Don't be afraid. It's just a funny little song.
Published March 24, 2013 3.9m views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Jim Carrey
Featuring Bill Oberst Jr, Dink O'Neal, Justin Kelly, Neal Kumar, Cate Beehan, Tia Barr, Whitmer Thomas, Clay Tatum, Russel Wadle
Producers Betsy Koch, Matt Mazany, and Michael Aguilar
Associate Producers - Nicole Montez and Linda Hill
Directors - Nick Corirossi and Charles Ingram
Director of Photography - Kevin Atkinson
Music Produced by E of the EELS
Music Written by Jim Carrey
Lead Vocals: Jim Carrey
Arranged by: Jane Carrey and Kyle Turek
Recorded at The Compound
Recorded and Mixed by Koool G Murder and P-Boo
Mastered by Dan Hersch, D2 Mstering
Production Sound by Botown Sound
Production Sound Mixer Ryan Knouf
ADR - Brennan McVicar at Silver Sound
Production Designer - Flower Cole
Wardrobe Stylist - Melissa Gould McNeely
Wardrobe Assist - Alexandra Casey
Camera Operator - Gabe Diniz, Yoni Aviaram
DIT - Dan Moses
Gaffer - Corrin Hodgeson
Construction Coordinator - Lupe Sanchez
Set Decorator- Ananda Friedman
Art Assistant-Matthew Berry
Key Grip - Michael Asinger
Electric - Adrienne Garcia
Swing - Michael Tingley
Make Up FX - MillsFX
Make Up/Hair - Chris Mills, Amy Mills
Make Up Assist - Brenna Haukedahl
PA - Luis Sanchez, Andrew Grissom, Anthony Knasas, Ross Buran
64,715 Funny Votes
33,725 Die Votes
3,897,513 Views
Published March 24, 2013

announcer="Announcer": [Laughter] Hee Haw!

male="Male" actor="Actor": Why did the ventriloquist quit drinking?

male="Male" actor="Actor": Cause he was acting like a real dummy!

[Laughter]

walter="Walter": Well hi-ho and howdy, fine folks. And welcome back to Hee Haw.

walter="Walter": We want to thank our special guest Charlton Heston for joining us.

charlton="Charlton" heston="Heston": Walter. It's an absolute pleasure to be here in the sight of God

charlton="Charlton" heston="Heston": on Hee Haw.

charlton="Charlton" heston="Heston": But who would be laughing, if it weren't for the patriots

charlton="Charlton" heston="Heston": who answer the call of freedom?

walter="Walter": Well, I...

charlton="Charlton" heston="Heston": The aliens. They would exploit our every weakness,

charlton="Charlton" heston="Heston": and suck the brains out of every living soul.

charlton="Charlton" heston="Heston": They'd be laughing. But, not like you and me.

charlton="Charlton" heston="Heston": They'd go bee bee bee beep beep!

charlton="Charlton" heston="Heston": Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. [Whistling]

walter="Walter": Well, we want to leave you with the sweet as molasses sounds

walter="Walter": of a band I'm sure you're all gonna like.

walter="Walter": Hens and roosters, lend an ear to Lonesome Earl and the Clutter Busters.

[Clapping]

[Music Playing]

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": [Singing] Some folks ride like the wind.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": With the whispering pines to guide them.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": And the burning light inside them

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": keeps them warm in the snow.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": Others fear the sounds they hear.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": Make banditos out of mole hills.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": Fill their hearts with porcupine quills.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": They're dead and buried long before they go.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": Charlton Heston movies are no longer in demand,

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": and his immortal soul may lay forever in the sand.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": The angels wouldn't take him up to Heaven like he planned,

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": 'cause they couldn't pry that gun from his cold dead hand.

charlton="Charlton" heston="Heston": What did he say?

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": [Singing] It takes a cold, dead hand to decide to pull the trigger.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": It takes a cold, dead heart, and as near as I can figure,

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": with your cold, dead aim you're trying to prove your d**k is bigger,

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": but we know your chariot may not be swingin' low.

[Wolf Howl]

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": Cold dead hand, cold dead hand.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": Cold dead hand, cold dead hand.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": You're a big big man with a little bitty gland, so you need something bigger just to fill your-

charlton="Charlton" heston="Heston": They're making fun of everything I hold dear. Walter?

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": Imagine if the Lord were here,

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": and he knew what you've been thinking.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": Would his sacred heart be sinking

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": into the canyon of dismay?

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": And on the ones who sell the guns,

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": he'd sick vultures and coyotes.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": Only the devil's true devotees

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": could profiteer from pain and fear.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": Charlton Heston movies are no longer in demand.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": And his immortal soul may lay forever in the sand.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": The angels wouldn't take him up to Heaven like he planned,

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": 'cause they couldn't pry that gun from his cold dead hand.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": It takes a cold dead hand to decide to pull the trigger.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": Takes a cold dead heart and as near as I can figure,

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": with your cold-

sam="Sam" elliot="Elliot": Hi. I'm clearly Sam Elliot.

sam="Sam" elliot="Elliot": Pay attention hombres, this boy's got somethin' to say.

sam="Sam" elliot="Elliot": Budding social satire. It goes down smooth.

sam="Sam" elliot="Elliot": Enjoy the show. I'm gonna watch that sunset.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": ...Cold dead hand.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": Cold dead hand, cold dead hand.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": You're a big big man with a little bitty gland,

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": so you need something bigger with a hair-pin trigger.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": You don't want to get caught with your trousers down

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": when the psycho killer comes around.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": So you make your home like a thunder-dome, and you're always packing everywhere you roam.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": But the psychos win no matter what you do, 'cause they're gonna buy way more guns than you.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": And while you're stumbling out of bed, they put five rounds in the back of your head.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": Or you get depressed 'cause the money runs out. Then you put your own shotgun in your mouth,

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": and your kids walk in and they find you there. Like a headless stump in your underwear.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": And they move the gun and it kills them too, but your wife just doesn't know what to do.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": But she takes a hand grenade from her shoe, and she pulls the pin.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": And it's all on you.

lonesome="Lonesome" earl="Earl": And your cold dead hand. [Gun Shot]

female="Female" actress="Actress": Well, what in the heck was that?

charlton="Charlton" heston="Heston": I accidentally shot my foot off.

female="Female" actress="Actress": Aw, shoot.

[Laughter]

announcer="Announcer": Hee haw.

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