Starring Kyle MacLachlan, Neal McDonough, & Stephen Glickman Featuring Richard Riehle, John Mawson, Darri Ingolfson, Adam Lustick, & Luke Barnett Puppeteers: Roberto Ferriria, Christian Anderson, Keith Ferguson, Ben Siemon, & Andrew Hamilton Written & Directed by Alex Fernie Produced by Christin Trogan Co-Producer: Andrew Corkin Edited by Brett Bachman Director of Photography: Luca del Puppo Production Designer: Brandi Kalish Story & Additional Writing by Andrew Corkin Production Coordinator/1st AD: Greg Kindra Production Photographer: Alex Schepsman Assistant Camera/DIT: Ray Lee Gaffer: Nilo Zimmermann Key Grip: Mike Abarta Best Boy Electric: Eric Tolzmann Sound: John Maynard Makeup & Hair: Ashley Ann Harris Assistant Makeup: Adina Sullivan Wardrobe: Megan Klimkos 2nd AD: Evan Robichaud Key PA: Ross Buran PA: Liz Alfonso Special thanks: Glenn Rigberg, Michael Krepack, Josh Lieberman, Jeremy Loethen, JR Satery, Billy Miller, Emily Saex, The Roosevelt Hotel of Hollywood, & The Puppet School of Los Angeles
Kyle MacLachlan: Gentleman, I'm not gonna lie. Greg Smith really threw us under a bus here with this resignation letter, and we gotta find a way to spin this.
Neal McDonough: I mean, if this were the eighties, I would snort up a weeks worth of sh*t, hire one of my little Asian interns and have them Hari Kari Greg right in the ball bag.
Kyle MacLachlan: Well, I think we can all agree we wish it were the eighties again.
[Men Laughing and Agreeing]
Neal McDonough: You know what I don't get, though? Is why Greg would do it. I mean, everyone loves Goldman Sachs. Am I right?
Kyle MacLachlan: And anyone who doesn't? We'll just buy and sell them!
Neal McDonough: Those dumb muppets! Here's to being rich!
Suited Puppet: Now hold on just one second!
Kyle MacLachlan: What is the meaning of this?
Neal McDonough: How the fu*k did he get in here?
Monster Puppet: The door.
Chet: And the elevator.
Suited Puppet: Yes! We used both the door and the elevator, but the time for silly questions is over!
Kyle MacLachlan: Security!
Monster Puppet: Sit down, pinstripes. You can either listen to what the man has to say, or we can do this the hard way.
Suited Puppet: We represent the Anti-Muppet Defamation League, and we'd like to lodge a formal complaint about Goldman Sachs' use of the word muppet in an offensive and derogatory fashion.
Monster Puppet: We're not gonna take it anymore.
Neal McDonough: You think you guys can come in here and intimidate us? I've got suits made out of bit*hes like you!
Suited Puppet: That's the bad guy, Chet.
Chet: Oh. Well, sorry.
Kyle MacLachlan: Look! Sure, we call our clients muppets, and sure we advise them against their own best interests to make us richer. But, does that make us bad guys?
Suited Puppet: Yes. Yes it does!
Kyle MacLachlan: Potato, potahto. If Americans didn't want us to get rich, why would they let us trick them into giving us all their money?
Neal McDonough: [Laughing] So, why don't you fuzzy little fellas leave this to the experts, because we're much, much richer than you are.
Suited Puppet: Would you stop it!?
Monster Puppet: Ugh.
Suited Puppet: Look! We're a lot smarter than you guys!
Neal McDonough: Oh yeah?
Monster Puppet: Yeah.
Neal McDonough: You know what I know? My garbage disposal eats better than ninety-eight percent of the world.
Monster Puppet: Yeah? Well, here's what I know: well, just off the top of my head, the struggle to liberate ourselves from Sayes' Law, and to refute the treasury view and all that may have seemed like ancient history not that long ago, but now that we're faced with an economic scene reminiscent of the nineteen thirties...
Chet: I agree! I'd also like to add that I like pudding.
Neal McDonough: Listen, pally pal, we all like pudding, but just cause you know the words, doesn't mean you know jack sh*t about how we run our company. Right?! Woo!
Monster Puppet: Hey, don't you just wiggle other people's money around, and then take a huge percentage?
Neal McDonough: What? It's, it, it's not that simple. [Laughing] It's, actually it is, that's pretty good.
Kyle MacLachlan: Oh! We also do a lot of good. We pay taxes. Kinda. I passed a bum in the street today and didn't kick him.
Neal McDonough: I own a yacht!
Suited Puppet: What? How is that doing good?
Neal McDonough: It isn't, it just feels so fu**ing good to say. Boys! All together now!
All Men and Chet: I own a yacht!
Monster Puppet: Why are you so greedy?
Kyle MacLachlan: I don't know. Why are you so hairy?
Monster Puppet: Touche.
Suited Puppet: Well, either way, here is a cease and desist letter. Either stop using our name or face the consequences.
Monster Puppet: Yeah. And these are the consequences.
Chet: O-Otis. Those are your hands.
Suited Puppet: Why did we bring him?
Chet: I'm the one with the car.
Suited Puppet: You will be hearing from our lawyers. Let's go, boys.