The video begins with the following text: BETWEEN TWO FERNS with Zach
Galifianakis presented by L4D2. The title fades out to reveal Zach
Galifianakis sitting with Andy Richter.
Andy Richter: ...I didn't even know it was a church. I mean, she didn't
Zach Galifianakis: Shhhh, shut the fuck up. Welcome to another episode
of Between Two Ferns. I'm your host Zach Galifianakis.
The words – Zach Galifianakis Host – appear below Zach Galifianakis.
Zach Galifianakis: And I'd like to welcome my guest, Conan O'Brien.
Andy Richter stands and claps, then turns and moves a fern to reveal
another chair. He sits. Conan O'Brien enters the shot and his name
appears beneath him.
Conan O'Brien: Zach. Good to see you. How are you? Alright. (to Andy
Richter) I didn't know you were here.
Andy Richter: You don't own me.
Conan O'Brien: Alright. (to Zach Galifianakis) How are you? Good to see
you Zach. Hey, congratulations on the new role. I understand that you're
playing Papa Smurf in the live action Papa Smurf movie.
Conan O'Brien reaches out and touches the bright blue blazer Zach
Galifianakis is wearing. There is a pregnant pause in which Zach
Galifianakis says nothing.
Zach Galifianakis: Steve Allen, Jack Paar, Johnny Carson, Jay Leno,
Conan O'Brien: Mmm-hmmm.
Zach Galifianakis: I was just listing my favorite Tonight Show hosts in
Conan O'Brien: Alright. Well thank you for having me on the show, Zach.
Great to be here. I'm having a really good time hosting the Tonight Show
and we're having a lot of laughs. We've taped about forty shows so far,
two of them quite good.
Andy Richter: I remember those.
Zach Galifianakis: Does anyone ever tell you that you seem like you're
the black Byron Allen?
Conan O'Brien: People make fun of my complexion sometimes. I'm pretty
pale. I use an SPF 125 when I go to the beach. It actually shoots like
back up at the sun.
Zach Galifianakis reaches out and touches a red button on the table
between him and Conan O'Brien. The sound of wind blowing and a cricket
chirping can be heard.
Zach Galifianakis: That's the sound of a cricket riding a tumbleweed.
Conan O'Brien: That's helpful.
Zach Galifianakis: When you go home at night and watch yourself, do
Zach Galifianakis gives Conan O'Brien a knowing look.
Conan O'Brien: Do I what?
Zach Galifianakis: Touch it?
Conan O'Brien: Okay.
Zach Galifianakis: I'm just asking because Andy and I go to dinner on
the weekends sometimes and he tells me a few things.
Conan O'Brien: So you guys are pals. That's it. You guys are pals. You
get together at the Waffle House.
Zach Galifianakis: Andy and I have the same trainer.
Conan O'Brien: You have the same trainer?
Zach Galifianakis: Sit up coach.
Conan O'Brien: He must be some awesome trainer, working out with you two
Zach Galifianakis: He actually is pretty good.
Andy Richter: That's right.
Conan O'Brien: What, does he also train the Michelin Man in his spare
Conan O'Brien laughs by himself.
Andy Richter: That's just hurtful.
Zach Galifianakis: Did you think you were going to be a talk show host
when you were 25 years old?
Conan O'Brien: What's funny is when I was about twenty...
Zach Galifianakis reaches out toward the red button again and Conan
O'Brien goes silent.
Zach Galifianakis: I'm just getting ready.
Conan O'Brien: Well, initially when I was 25, I was thinking about being
a male model, but that didn't work out.
Zach Galifianakis hits the button and the wind and cricket noises are
Conan O'Brien: This is not bad. Come on. Oh, come on. This isn't bad.
Zach Galifianakis: When you started hosting you were nervous and sweaty
and under-prepared and desperate.
Conan O'Brien: Well, yes. In 1993, I took over Late Night.
Zach Galifianakis: No, I'm talking about the Tonight Show.
Conan O'Brien: Okay. I don't know. I'm getting a weird. Are you mad at
me about something? I just thought. What are you mad about?
Zach Galifianakis: I feel like I have a shot at the Tonight Show.
Conan O'Brien: Pardon me? Is that what this...Oh, that's what this is
about. You wanted to host the Tonight Show. I'd have loved to see that
Tonight Show. You stumbling out there, sitting on an old chair from a
public school. Looking at a piece of paper. Two freaking ferns on eithe
side of you. Tonight Show with Zach Galifianakis. Tonight he mumbles
angrily at Meryl Streep.
Zach Galifianakis: We're out of time for Conan and we'll welcome our
next guest. Please welcome Andy Dick.
Andy Dick enters the shot. Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter get up and
shake hands with Andy Dick. Andy Dick takes Conan's chair and Andy
Richter sits back down in his chair. Conan is forced to sit on the
Zach Galifianakis: Take a seat, Conan.
Conan sits on Andy Richter's foot.
Andy Richter: Ow.
Zach Galifianakis: Thanks for being on the show Andy.
Andy Dick: Thank you, thank you. Hey, Papa Smurf called. He wants his
Zach Galifianakis, Andy Richter and Andy Dick burst into laughter. Conan
looks disgruntled and the shot cuts to the following text: BETWEEN TWO
FERNS with Zach Galifianakis. Video fades to black.