Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Conan O'Brien & Andy Richter

(show music plays)
Andy Richter: ...I didn't even know it was
a church. I mean, she didn't tell me...
Zach Galifianakis: Shhhh, shut the fuck up.
Zach Galifianakis: Welcome to another episode of
Between Two Ferns.
Zach Galifianakis: I'm your host Zach Galifianakis.
Zach Galifianakis: And I'd like to welcome my
guest, Conan O'Brien.
(music plays)
Conan O'Brien: Zach. Good to see you.
How are you? Alright.
Conan O'Brien: I didn't know you were here.
Andy Richter: You don't own me.
Conan O'Brien: Alright. How are you?
Good to see you Zach.
Conan O'Brien: Hey, congratulations on the
new role. I understand that
Conan O'Brien: you're playing Papa Smurf in
the live action Papa Smurf movie.
Zach Galifianakis: Steve Allen, Jack Paar,
Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien.
Conan O'Brien: Mmm-hmmm.
Zach Galifianakis: I was just listing my
favorite Tonight Show hosts in order.
Conan O'Brien: Alright. Well thank you for
having me on the show, Zach.
Conan O'Brien: Great to be here. I'm having
a really good time hosting
Conan O'Brien: the Tonight Show, and we're
having a lot of laughs.
Conan O'Brien: We've taped about forty shows
so far, two of them quite good.
Andy Richter: I remember those.
Zach Galifianakis: Does anyone ever tell you
that you seem like you're
the black Byron Allen?
Conan O'Brien: People make fun of my complexion sometimes.
Conan O'Brien: I'm pretty pale. I use an
SPF 125 when I go to the beach.
Conan O'Brien: It actually shoots like
back up at the sun.
Conan O'Brien: Umm...
(air whirling with cricket sounds are heard)
Zach Galifianakis: That's the sound of a cricket
riding a tumbleweed.
Conan O'Brien: That's helpful.
Zach Galifianakis: When you go home at night and
watch yourself, do you...
Conan O'Brien: Do I what?
Zach Galifianakis: Touch it?
Conan O'Brien: Okay.
Zach Galifianakis: I'm just asking because Andy and I go to dinner on
Zach Galifianakis: the weekends sometimes and he tells me a few things.
Conan O'Brien: So you guys are pals. That's it. You guys are pals.
Conan O'Brien: You get together at the Waffle House.
Zach Galifianakis: Andy and I have the
same trainer.
Conan O'Brien: You have the same trainer?
Zach Galifianakis: Sit up coach.
Conan O'Brien: He must be some awesome
trainer, working out with you
two guys.
Zach Galifianakis: He actually is pretty good.
Andy Richter: That's right.
Conan O'Brien: What, does he also train the
Michelin Man in his spare
time?
(Conan laughs)
Andy Richter: That's just hurtful.
Zach Galifianakis: Did you think you were going
to be a talk show host
when you were 25 years old?
Conan O'Brien: What's funny is when I was
about twenty...
Zach Galifianakis: I'm just getting ready.
Conan O'Brien: Well, initially when I was
, I was thinking about
Conan O'Brien: being a male model, but that
didn't work out.
Conan O'Brien: This is not bad. Come on. Oh,
come on. This isn't bad.
Zach Galifianakis: When you started hosting you
were nervous and sweaty
Zach Galifianakis: and under-prepared and desperate.
Conan O'Brien: Well, yes. In 1993, I took
over Late Night.
Zach Galifianakis: No, I'm talking about the
Tonight Show.
Conan O'Brien: Okay. I don't know. I'm
getting a weird...
Conan O'Brien: Are you mad at me about
something? I just thought. What are you mad about?
Zach Galifianakis: I feel like I have a shot at
the Tonight Show.
Conan O'Brien: Pardon me? Is that what
this...
Conan O'Brien: Oh, that's what this is
about. You wanted to host
Conan O'Brien: the Tonight Show. I'd have
loved to see that Tonight Show.
Conan O'Brien: You stumbling out there,
sitting on an old chair from
Conan O'Brien: a public school. Looking at a
piece of paper. Two freaking
Conan O'Brien: ferns on either side of you.
Tonight Show with Zach
Conan O'Brien: Galifianakis. Tonight he
mumbles angrily at Meryl Streep.
Zach Galifianakis: We're out of time for Conan
and we'll welcome our
Zach Galifianakis: next guest. Please welcome Andy Dick.
(music plays)
Zach Galifianakis: Take a seat, Conan.
Andy Richter: Ow.
Zach Galifianakis: Thanks for being on
the show Andy.
Andy Dick: Thank you, thank you. Hey, Papa Smurf called.
Andy Dick: He wants his suit back.
(Everyone except Conan cracks up)
(show music plays)