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The video opens in black and white with a close up on Katharine McPhee’s face.

Katharine McPhee: Hi, I’m Katharine McPhee. I feel truly blessed to be an actress, singer, and humanitarian. But, recently I was mobbed by a pack of paparazzi so ravenous for my pictures that my safety was threatened. I thought it was all over for me. At the last minute, an angel came to my aid.

An insert in the upper left hand corner shows Katharine McPhee being accosted by paparazzi and an African American woman intervening.

Katharine McPhee: That angel’s name was Quween and that angel is for hire.

The image cuts to color and moves into a split screen with Katharine McPhee on the left and a picture of Quween on the right with the following text: Quween’s Celebrity Protection Agency, Not Crazy, Fully Licensed CP, Exclusive Clientele.

Katharine McPhee: She’s not just an eccentric local. She’s a fully licensed celebrity protector who has helped dozens of people like me. When she asked me to be in her commercial, I said yes. Yes, I will be in your commercial.

The shot cuts to Quween.

Quween: Thanks Katherine. You know how I love helping the famous people get out of a tough situation. If you an A through a K celebrity with a paparazzi problem, I can help. Quween Celebrity Protection Service with help you with, pushing passed papsaratzi as you exit a Starbucks. Avoid TMZ when you at the mall, the doctor’s office, the dentist. Harvey Levin, I’m coming to git you.

A picture of Harvey Levin’s face appears and Quween kicks it.

Quween: If there’s a bee flying near you, I will put my boot in that bee’s ass. Running late? I’ll yell at the clock till things get right. Coffee too hot? I’ll blow on that shit and fuck it up, you heard me. And so much more, right. We don’t want that shit, right. We want kick their ass right.

The shot cuts to Katharine McPhee.

Katharine McPhee: And Quween, what’s your one rule?

The shot cuts to Quween.

Quween: I don’t kiss ass. I kick ass. Ask Larry King.

The shot cuts to Katharine McPhee.

Katharine McPhee: Once I began working with Quween, I saw results instantly. The photographers were more polite. The safety of myself and those around me increased dramatically.

The following text appears next to Katharine McPhee: Photographers Soften, Increased Safety.


Katharine McPhee: And that’s not all. I also…

Quween comes on camera swinging wildly at the words next to Katharine McPhee.

Quween: Oh, hell no words in the air. Hell no, letters and words in the air. Hell no, letters and words. Hell no.

Katharine McPhee: No, no, Quween. It’s ok. This is part of it.

Quween: You ok?

Katharine McPhee: Yeah, this is part of making a commercial.

Quween: You didn’t tell me that. As long as you ok. You better watch your back alphabets.

Quween walks off camera.

Katharine McPhee: She’s the best. Call now.

Quween comes back on camera.

Quween: Oh hell no, it’s a camera. Oh hell no!

Quween hits the camera and the image goes to static.

The image returns as Quween and Katharine McPhee watch an online video of Quween fighting off and cursing paparazzi for Katharine McPhee. They laugh together.

Quween: You see baby.

Katharine McPhee: That’s awesome.

The shot cuts to Quween.

Quween: To all the Quween fans, you all can send me some shit to this Funny or Die. You heard me. Yeah, now I got someplace for you all to send this shit to. Come on, bring it on. Snap, crackle, pop. Snap, crackle, pop.

The text quween@funnyordie.com appears beneath her.