Now y'all know I done some sketchy things
to get my face out there
and to climb this glass elevato
on a pilgrimage to get myself
all that much more famous
but I got a feshun to make.
I just broke out of this Scientology program.
What was it Mona?
And in case this the last you ever hear from me,
I was Loretta Jenkins
and this was How I Seize It.
It's gonna be up to y'alls
to spread the good word now.
Well in case you can't tell,
I have done feel under the spell
of them Scientologists.
I said it ain't never ever gonna happen to me,
but them is some coercive son of a bitches.
They make all these promises
of fortune and fame.
But see, you just get the fame
and they get all the fortunes.
And I don't share my moolah with nunya.
That's why I ain't never givin' up the single life.
I do believe that we are immortal
and I do err on the side
of Science over Religion.
But that right there is just about
as much as I got in common
with them Scientologicals.
Now I was walkin' down the street the other day
and I walk across this big red buildin'.
And do you need a stress test?
I'm like you think you need a fuckin' sign
to tell that I'm stressed?
I mean look at me!
That ain't real insightful.
They got this magical box
that's like got this wand…
It was skinny.
And they gonna somehow or anothe
read my EEZ?
And it seem like if you got
too many EEZ
it fuck ya up and it make ya
mess up some kinda of your chi…
And I thought well duh,
maybe I can get Mona and Margie
out up of my head
with like an exorcisms.
they just wanted to give me som literature
and shake me down for some money.
And I was like hell,
what you selling ain't liquo
so I ain't buyin'.
Got any pills?
They brung me in this room
tellin' me like,
"You gonna get audited."
Shit, I ain't kept no receipt
or filed no IRA form
since back like in the Bush administration.
Cause I wasn't fundin' your Oil War, G-
And they said,
"Naw, not that kinda auditin'.
The auditin' where you go back through
and fess up all the bad shit you done."
You know, like relive it actually.
I was like FUCK, no way Jose!
Why do you think I drink?
Don't you know me at all?
You supposed to be some kinda higher powe
and I'm famous!
THE Loretta Jenkins!
Learn it, Live it, Love it!
So like then I was tryin' to leave
and they's like,
"Here take this book with ya
and give me a hundred dollars
or else we gonna sue you."
This is a 'Retail Religion'
under the guise of the real thing.
And ergo, they tax evaders.
This is just a legal way to shimmy money around
so these folks don't have to
fly off to the Cajuns.
They need to lock them bitches up.
Tar, feather, draw, quarter,
behead, scattered, smothered, covered…
Course now they're recruitin' celebrities
cause they self-important assholes
and I guess the fact they'll hide
your gay away from the rest of the world.
Cause how Ol' Tom Cruise wives
left him and they ain't turned 33, huh?
All of them!
Three wives at 33!
Hey, hey, hey!
It's got to be some kind of
numeric apocalypse a-comin'.
It wouldn't surprise me not one bit.
And you know what else is fucked up
about these folks?
They don't believe in no psychology.
And if they successful,
what do you think that's gonna mean
to our access to Xanax?
We got to abolish them
so they don't space invade
our entire lives.
Don't you tread on me, Church!
Well luckily we've got countries
that's got sense
like Norway and France, for once…
They don't even let this cult exist over there.
It's a business.
And when you leave,
the Church of Scientology,
they can gag order you!
Which says they can kill you
if you confess on what
they took from you.
Now what kind of religion does that?
I ain't afraid of none of you church nerds out there.
So come on!
You knows where I am.
Apple Springs, Arkansas!
Look it up.
Alright, in case you don't know the backstory
behind the Scientologicals,
this Sci-Fi writer Emron?
I guess he like a nerdy Mormon
cause he think we aliens too…
He said writers can only get rich
unless they make up a religion.
So hey, how come you think
you washed up in the
Gospel of Lo, alright?
Work for them, work for me.
He said some overlord named Emu
sent our should here in spacecrafts.
And that we grew up out the mud
so he could get creation credit
and that we are recycled outta mud
and they's these ghosts that latch onto us
and makes us do bad shit.
And that's the only reason
I agreed to go there,
I thought they was gonna get rid
of Mona and Margie for me.
I can't take these bitches anymore.
'Cept for you, Margie.
Sometimes you are a bitch.
I done broke the Da Vinci code
on these Scientologicals!
El Ron - E-L-R-O-N!
His name is hidden
in they current day prophet,
Them letters is all in that name.
Am I alone?
Do you know what I think?
I done predicted this.
I think that John Travolta
is gonna run for President one day
and he's gonna get it
and then all these goddamn weird Scientologicals
and all these conspiracies of all these
UFO stuff that's been hidden all this time.
It's gonna come out in the open!
remember how fucked up he was
at the Oscars?
Well now what kind of gay
don't know how to pronounce
some Broadway diva's name
like Madeener Azell?
Hey y'all don't pay him no mind
or his cuckoo religion.
Just send me some beer money instead!
And that's How I Seize It.