This here Loretta Jenkins
is done come with a special shoutout
to my gal pal out there Noelle-
-for this topic that she Facebooked me on.
We friends even though
I had a four-way on her bed
and didn't even change the sheets!
I mean that's a good friend
that'll overlook that kinda cunt move.
Nuckle Noks, Noel!
Clanky-Clank on that one.
I hope you got alcohol
in your hand right now.
One, two, three...
you know who I'm talkin' about-
Noelle, she always got a cocktail handy!
That's a two-way sword.
Shit, folks toss names at me all the time
You a drunk
Town lush and whore-
They say that shit to me!
I might have some 'life crutches,'
but who don't, okay?
You gonna say you don't?
I coulda come out a lot worse.
would be any of these
low life, creepy whackjobs
on this Strange Addiction show.
Y'all think I'm bad?
Now I'm sure y'all all seen
this one fat lady-
She noticed her cat
ain't cleanin' itself
and so she started lickin' on it
and now she eatin' hairballs.
Not hairy balls, Mona!
Shut the fuck up!
I was talkin' about hairballs,
like from a kitty.
Not hairy balls.
What's wrong with you, perv!
I wonder if she so
detail-ornamented that she
lick its asshole, too!
That might make her a bisexual
cause she done eat pussy!
I ain't cracked myself up
like that in a long time!
now my panties is wet.
the ones that I don't never understand
is them what suffers from trigonometry.
how you think that look good
havin' bald patches around your head?
That don't make no goddamn sense.
Lookin' like you went to the
Salvador Dali Barbershop!
Your head like all rawr...
Now you ever pick up a Vogue
or Mademoiselle magazine and see somebody
with a clump of hair a-missin'?
Whoever start this trend
need to go back to the drawin' board.
they was this one time
Oprah had this chick on her couch.
She would get up in the middle of the night
and eat cigarette butts
dipped in peanut butter.
And I'm thinkin' like
Oh My God!
I wonder did I eve
get up and eat food like that?
I would be so disgusted with myself!
No wonder I'm so fat.
Man, that's why I drink so heavily
cause I don't wanna EatSleepDrinkWalk!
Trip over shit in the middle of the night
and eat chocolates and
shit that I don't even rememebe
and I probably might go down
to the Sak-N-Sudz and get me candy!
Fuck, you assholes ain't even gonna know
cause you know,
if you long-time DB's you know
that I don't eat much but that
I do like candy sometimes.
And so sometimes I have to go
down to the Sak-N-Sudz
and gets me some Hershey bars
and Twix and Baby Ruth
and I bring them home
and I blend them up in the blende
with a bunch of ice and some liquo
That's a shake, that ain't food.
Oooh man, all I remember is this one guy
he was in love with inflatable pool toys!
And he would actually come home
and he would talk to them
and kiss on them
and make dinners for them
and I'm glad they didn't show his toys
with a backlight on...
CSI would've seen jism everywhere!
All I can imagine is homeboy
must have one of them miniature,
One of them miniature little peckers.
like if a Ken doll was
You know, like a Korean style.
It gotta be little enough
to fuck that little blow hole
in that pool toy.
Oh y'all know
they got this one bitch that swallows dirt,
some sumbitch eaten' sand-
Somebody chowin' down on household cleaners
and one gal that was eatin' on her couch.
Once they put folks on there what's cannibals
y'all better head for the hills
cause I reckon the zombie apocalypse is nigh!
This one bitch say to me,
"Well you addicted to dick!"
And I said, "Well fuck, that's natural!"
What's natural about pickin' scabs off your skin
lessen you comin' down off of meth?
That don't make no sensible parallel!
How do you figure out that you addicted
to like, chewin' on ice and lightbulbs
and shit anyway?
Cause like when I get a lightbulb up here?
Fuck I don't chew on it.
Cause that is a thought
and thoughts is things!
Don't forget that shit!
That's for fuckin' reals!
Listen, in case I die tomorrow
y'all wanna know this.
Thoughts is things.
So if you like to be all like depressed
and whiney than that is what you gonna get.
You gonna get shit!
You gonna get bullshit all day long-
morning and afternoon…
You just need to say well fuck it!
I can't do nothin' bout it noways,
so just go on your happy way.
I got three rules in Life.
And DON'T fuck with me.
Hey, y'all see that Caribbean bitch
with her hair all like twenty miles long?
Somebody google me that bitch's address up.
I'm gonna tie her down
and slice off that King Cobra!
She'd be like,
She'd be screaming' like R2D2.
(impersonates robot screaming)
I don't mind beatin' this dead horse…
if y'all wanna call yourself The Learnin' Channel
why don't y'all try learnin' folks some shit!
Get you some Bob Ross on there
and paint you some Happy Trees!
Well, it is the Honey Boo Boo channel,
so that give you the average GPA
for the normal viewers.
You gotta be mentally challenged
to fall asleep with the blow drier every night.
Now I fell asleep with the vibrato
a couple of times,
but that's just cause the batteries died.
I wouldn't be surprised if any day now
we start hearin' the end of days
I can just see Michael
transforming into a real life person
that I've imagined all these years.
Man, you don't even know.
Man I think this might all have started
when that drag queen ate that dog poop.
Man, you can't un-watch that.
And that's How I Seize It.