Throwing Shade #50: Hobby Lobby and Musical Guest Rhett Miller
- July 09, 2014
- 33k Views
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Special Guest Sharon Van Etten
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Special Guest: Rhett Miller
Producer: Ross Buran
Producer: Ben Sheehan
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
July 09, 2014
This is, Throwing Shade.
> Where femninasty Erin Gibson.
> And homosensual Bryan Safi
> Take a look at the headlines in
> And pop culture.
> And treat them with much less respect
than they deserve.
> Can you handle it?
> Well it's summer time.
It's officially summer time.
It's the middle of July.
> It is.
I don't have any lip balm on.
> But your balmy cuz you're so moist
> Cuz I'm so moist my lips are just like
> Then you're gonna love the surprise
that I have for you.
> What is it a dog?
> No, I'm taking you to Six Flags
> Well that's a nightmare.
> Yeah, cuz I know you won't go.
> So I'm gonna come I don't know
what day of the week I'm coming but I'm
come to your house, I'm gonna break in.
> Then I'm moving immediately.
> And then I'm gonna throw you in the
back of my VW Jetta and
we're gonna hit the road jack.
> It is all such my nightmare.
I, I mean good luck finding swim trucks in
my, actually I do like a summer swim.
I'm not gonna lie.
Like I do like to do my laps.
> You know what I mean?
I put on my flower shower cap and I do the
> You can do all of that at Hurricane
> Do they teach you how to synchronize
> No they don't.
> No way.
> Let's just say they do.
> And this is
how I'm gonna get you at some of these
The first ride is called, Black Snake
> Absolutely not because,
> They're known as the most evil of
> That's why this is a, one of the
> I don't even like the sound of a snake.
I know someone who tripped and fell and a
rattlesnake bit his heart.
And I'm not even kidding.
[LAUGH] And I know I'm laughing.
> Bit his heart?
Yeah, stung him right in the heart.
Bit him in the heart.
> Because he fell on him.
> He tripped and fell on the rattlesnake.
> And what happened to this person?
> Who is it?
> I think his name was Clark.
> Oh, so he's, he means a lot to you.
> He was my best friend.
> Yeah, exactly.
So, Black Snake Summit is a gravity
defying nest of some of the fastest,
> A gravity defying nest?
> Nest of slides.
It's a slides nest.
> It's 75 feet high.
It is 500 feet of slides and it is pitch
> The only way I would ever get 75 feet
in the air, not on a plane and
not drugged, do you remember Wild Hearts
Can't Be Broken?
> No, but I remember that Richard Dryfus
movie where he flies.
> The woman who.
> Yeah, and-
> Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken I
think was Samantha Mathis, maybe.
> Takes the horse at the top of
a platform, and she dives with the horse!
And it was like a sport in the 20s.
> That was the first whatyamacallit that
other horse movie.
> I don't remember.
> No Braveheart.
> Yeah, well Bryan if you don't like
Black Snake Summit, let me tell you,
you might like Bonzai Pipelines.
It's six stories high all the way down.
> Please, I've been to buildings taller
than that, no problem.
> Well, have you stood on a trapped door
you don't know when it's gonna open and
drop you through this fucking tube?
> Who's that fun for, maniacs, drug,
> [LAUGH] You stand on a platform and
you don't know when it's gonna open, in
your bathing suit.
> That is so.
> And you fall down.
> One half is a slide and
the other half is a clear tube that you
just look onto your death.
What would be your death if that clear
tube wasn't there.
> You know what I would do?
I would tell old, you know how I do.
> Old ladies?
> I would tell all women doing water
aerobics at the Y, and I would say psst,
come here, we're going to do water
You just have to stand.
> You just have to climb up six stories.
Just climb up this six story ladder and
there's this pool on top.
> But each story has a story.
> What story is that?
> Well, the first story is the level one
story, which is like you know,
whatever, go to level two.
And then so on and so on.
> So the first story refers to
> Every story refers to the next.
> Every story has a story
> Of the next stair story.
> So yeah.
> The story of the stories.
[CROSSTALK] The six stories of the six
What would you do with all the women once
they hit the bottom they all
died with a heart attack?
> Would you just do like a mass funeral
> I would say water aerobics are a lie.
That's what I would say, because they are.
> Here's the last one, and I think you're
going to like this one the best.
> Daredevil plunge.
Box office numbers for the movie
What were they?
> Okay, Daredevil's Plunge is
a super steep drop slide that will take.
> Like all of em.
> All of them.
feet in the air.
> Do you want to die in a swimsuit?
Come to Hurricane Harbor, whatever.
> This one, this is exactly like Banzai
> Oh good!
Well then I, I'll love it.
> Except that, [LAUGH] except that
there's no protection from you and
falling out of it.
There's like high walls, but that's it.
If you hit it too hard or you turn it too
fast you're out, you're out of the slide.
You're dead in the water.
> Erin, when was the last time I wanted
to do any activity?
When was the last time I was interested?
> You went to, when you were on Xanax you
wanted to do stuff.
So, that's really the trick.
> Oh, yeah, you're right.
You know what the trick, the trick is put
me on Xanax and
take me to Hurricane highway to hell, and
I'll be, I'll do it.
Well, Erin, thanks for giving me,
all the tips to a summer I would never
have, but you know, maybe one day.
> No, you're doing it.
You just don't know it.
> I'm moving tonight.
I have to move anyway because they told
I'm going to be one day late on my rent
I'm not kidding.
Usually it gets in on the first.
And I think it's getting in the second.
> Are you gonna be okay?
> I don't know.
That's probably them calling to evict me.
> It is really funny that of all the
people on this set,
you're the one who didn't turn their phone
> Bryan, I'm pretty lucky as a woman.
I have a lot of guy friends who get it.
Who, you know, can see sexism, they have
> Oh, cool.
The kind that literally say S-E-X-I-S-M,
like the, like the New Year's glasses?
> Even when the year turns over, you can
still wear those glasses.
> That's my favorite thing about it, is
they can make every year into glasses.
> That's, isn't that fun?
> Cuz eyeballs are always gonna be round.
There are a couple of dudes lately in the
news who don't get it.
> Oh boy.
> And that's why I'm starting a new
segment called Dude, Come On,
You Don't Get It Man, Read a Book.
Now this is really just us,
gonna be us talking shit about these dudes
behind their backs.
Unless they listen to Throwing Shade.
There's a possibility for anything, you
> So you know,
the Pope has been pretty progressive in
his stances about well,
as progressive as you could be in the
> Yes, the most progressive so far.
But he took a million steps back when he
was asked by a female journalist,
> Oh, yeah.
> I'm pretty sure that's.
> I ordered that once.
At a corner bistro.
> You did?
What was it?
> It's a Italian salad.
> I'll have the Franca
> It was just the Wendy's salad bar.
It's a fancy name for the Wendy's salad
> She asked the pope about the role of
women in the church.
He replied by saying that, this is
you know, he's like not translating.
> You know he's,
you know he doesn't know English that
> The issue of
women needs to be gone into more in depth.
Otherwise, you can't understand the church
Would love an explanation of what that
> Oh no, it means like [CROSSTALK] here's
an answer, think about it.
I'm out of here, I'm leaving, I'm backing
> He leaves so fast his pope clothes
> And then she asked him,
what about appointing a woman to the head
of a Vatican department?
And he said, well, Priests often end up
under the sway of their housekeepers,
the magical sway of their housekeepers.
> Arnold Schwarzenegger, ended up in the
sway of his housekeeper.
> Yeah, see he's just saying these dudes
are wound fucking tight, right?
They've popped off boners, they've done
nothing about it.
> Yeah, but they're old now.
> It doesn't matter, you can still get a
boner when you're old.
They're not old in the Vatican, you can
totally rock a boner when you're 50.
> I mean you can when you're 50.
> And that's what I'm saying, they can't
They can't even have homely maids in
Giving them boners left and right?
They've got dumpy maids in there.
> You know, some people prefer to cushion
head on the goose feathers of a fully
> Oh, I see what you're saying.
That priests like to go down on
Because it's not breaking their vows.
> Yeah, because really, I mean you could,
if you threw a coin in a housekeepers
> It would be you know, you'd have to,
you'd have to come through a lot.
> You're saying all housekeepers have?
> I don't know what I'm saying.
> You know what you're like?
When Captain Crunch used to
do deciphering things
> Thank you.
> And you've have to get like a red, a
little red circle and like.
> It would reveal a code.
> That's what we,
that' what we gotta do for you.
> My point is,
I don't think you can effectively lead a
bunch of people,
half of which happen to be women, if you
don't know anything about women or
never met a women
> Or you think they're made from a rib.
> Yeah, or to clean.
> So Pope Francis.
Dude, you don't get it.
Come on man, read a book.
I'm just gonna remind all the ladies that
there's one man who's on their side, and
his name is Drake.
I'd like to read a Drake lyric for you.
> Right now.
They want you in their life as a wife.
That's why you want to have no sex.
That's why you wanna protest.
Why you wanna fight for your right?
Cuz you don't love them boys.
Pussy run everything.
> Fuck the noise.
I mean, I was gonna say no but now I say
> Sir Francis
> That was Sir Francis?
> Oh you thought I was talking about
Drake the rapper?
> Yeah, I'm so wow
> No, sir Francis Drake
> Wow, I was gonna say I like Drake the
rapper, but now I love Sir Francis Drake.
I always have.
I've always wanted an Elizabethan collar
and someone to talk about pussy.
> I know.
> Remember, remember how we fell in love
with Sharon van Etten like two years ago?
We went to
the Hollywood Bowl to see the National and
I think, Neko Case.
we fell in love with Sharon van Etten.
> And she's here today.
> Oh my god.
> Is that weird when people say that they
> You know, I feel really close to that
> That they really know me.
> Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We definitely feel like we know you.
Just from seeing.
I think you closed your set, I think I'm
gonna sound so geeky.
I think you closed your set with Love
Moore and I remember, like Erin and
I were talking and you started singing and
we were like, [LAUGH].
> We fully shut the fuck up and you had
our full attention and
you got done and we looked at each other
and we go.
[GASP] We have to.
> We have to.
> For always and forever.
> We didn't know what that meant, we just
knew we had to.
> So you worked as a publicist for a
little bit in the music industry, right?
> Yes, and I was terrible at it.
> You were?
> I believe you.
> I was.
> Because I can't, I, I just can't even
> No, you're too chill.
> I could feel like publicists have to
be like, a heart attack all the time.
> Oh, yeah, I'm not.
I'm kind of shy.
But I'm pretty mellow.
I like, I like music but I, I wasn't
> Did you ever see Working Girl?
> I did.
> Did you, have ever done a scenario when
If you were trying to book your own show
that like you would pretend to
be your publicist and yourself.
Like, you'd be like, hi Sharon van Etten's
publicist hold for
Sharon, and then you'd like transfer me
and be like, hi Sharon here.
> That's what she sounds like!
> That was dead on.
> I know.
> That's amazing!
> The whole time we
were talking before this was trying to
> Hi, Sharon here.
> Hi, Sharon van Etten.
> Have you ever done that?
No, but I think my mistake was that I, I
told people that I was me.
And then I didn't get anything done.
> They're like,
I'm like, no you should really listen to
my record, it's really good.
> You know,
you should put it on the radio.
> You know.
> And they're like, you're calling us
Oh, one of those phones
> Yeah, one of those things.
Yeah, it was a clown phone.
That was another one of my problems.
> I love clown phones,
oh I wanted to do something that's kind of
embarrassing, but I want to do it.
So, you obviously kill it with harmonies,
I mean, that, like, did you learn that
Or was that just an innate ability?
[CROSSTALK] I've never been able to do it.
> Do you hear it?
> Well the weird thing that started was,
I grew up listening to the Everly
all the melodies, because it's a guy I
couldn't hit as a girl.
And so I gravitated towards the harmonies
cuz it was more in my range.
And then when I started going to church,
everyone was just singing the melody, and
I, half the time I didn't really wanna go
to church, so my game to myself was being
the only one in the room singing the
harmony to, like, all the hymns.
> That's how you got through church!
> That's how I got through it as my own
> On God.
You pranked God!
> But that's how-
Could we sing like one lyric of like, Row
Row Row Your Boat?
> And can I try to harmonize?
> Yeah, totally.
> Do you want me to be in it?
I can only do one verse.
> We'll start with the notes, we'll go
> There you go, so
keep that note.
row your boat gently down the stream
> Why am I doing this.
> You lost it.
> Why was I the lowest?
> That was really good.
> That was all the yoga breath I had.
So we're gonna play shade or no shade with
It's super easy.
If you like something, you say no shade.
If you don't like it, you say shade.
> it's kinda like word association,
but you'll get it.
> So if I don't like it, it's shade.
> You're throwing a shade.
> Van Halen.
> No shade.
> Van Buren.
Van Cleaf and Arples, [LAUGH] it's a
jewelry designer, you've never dripped in
diamonds, you've never walked on 5th
Avenue and wished for the Hope diamond.
> Is this like a QVC thing?
> But higher rent.
Like it's, Beyonce wears them.
> It's better than Jarod.
> So probably shade.
> Van Nuys, which is a
> The street?
> Yeah, sure.
> No shade.
> Van Cooper.
> No shade.
> Tableside guacamole.
> No shade.
> No shade.
> Depends on the toddler, but no shade.
> Yeah, okay.
> The toddler from Passion of the Christ.
> [LAUGH] Shade.
> No shade.
> Alkaline Water.
> Yeah, fuck off, I don't really.
[LAUGH] Would you ever have a vanity
> Only if it said you rule.
> That would be really coolest way to go.
> Because everybody has it.
Like it's a, everybody has a good day
> You don't need a car, you live in New
> Right, but I used to have a car, and I
But in New York it doesn't make sense.
> But now there's smart cars and
I mean, you have those rental cars, right?
Where you pick up a car on the street?
> Oh, the Zipcar thing.
Yeah, yeah, it's easy to get one.
> If we ever have questions about a
> Can we call you?
> We assume that you're the person-
> Call me!
You have my number right?
> Of course.
> Call me anytime.
> Okay, we will.
> Yeah, 24/7.
> Sharon van Etten,
it was a pure pleasure.
> Thank you so much!
> The album is Are We There?,
it's, I know you probably have heard it a
million times, but it's brilliant.
> It's so it's so I'm gonna say all the
words that everyone always says.
Theory, emotional, beautiful, [LAUGH].
> Thanks Sharon.
> Thank you.