23/6's Blog
Bill Kristol's column from yesterday offered some suggestions for "How McCain Wins." Kristol wants McCain to pull even more "impetuous" stunts like his airlift into Washington to save the bailout. Kristol also jumps on the "Free Sarah Palin" bandwagon, because obviously giving that one the keys to the store is going to save everything.
Well here's our strategy for how Obama wins: He already did. Because based on the campaign McCain has been running, John McCain lost this election about a month ago.
For a Hail Mary pass to work, it needs to be followed by a touchdown. The Sarah Palin pick and McCain's campaign "suspension" to save the bailout were both Hail Mary throws, desperate attempts to reverse a freefall. Unfortunately, for a Hail Mary to work, it helps if the ball is carried into the end zone. Sarah caught the first one and the crowd cheered for a few weeks before realizing the receiver had no legs (but a lot of spunk!). The second one landed in the dirt. However, there's one important thing to remember. Hail Marys are only thrown at the end of a game! If they already threw two and Kristol wants them to throw more, it's because he knows as well as they do that the game has been over for a very long time.
Freeing Sarah Palin will work about as well as freeing Willie Horton did for Dukakis. Blaming her overprotective handlers is nothing more than conservative talking heads buying time until the debate, where Sarah will either shit the bed and lose all of her defenders, or she'll pull it off just enough to keep the campaign exactly where it is: losing. Regardless of whether Sarah survives the debate, people don't vote for the bottom of the ticket. But unfortunately for John, they sure as hell will vote against it, which is why McCain couldn't go for his first choice. Poor Joe Lieberman. He's the guy people only want to vote against .
Steve Schmidt is not Karl Rove (but he is almost as ugly!). After so many years of Karl Rove kicking Democrat ass, we assume that EVERY move the Republican team makes, no matter how obvious and shameless, will work like a charm and the Democrat can only wave a polite goodbye to Florida and Ohio. But Schmidt makes only desperate moves that fail to yield any sort of gain. Karl Rove did not throw Hail Marys, he made plays and controlled the game. Schmidt might be Rove's "protégé," but are we talking 2004 Karl Rove? Or more likely, 2006? (Remember that election? The Democrats won! It can happen!)
We eagerly await the race card. Honestly, Obama's blackness is McCain's only hope and Kristol knows it. That's why his column ends with the classy suggestion that Palin drag Rev. Wright into Thursday's debate. We're certain she'll be very subtle about it. McCain will surely focus on Obama's blackness as November approaches. Unfortunately for him, we're betting team Obama might be anticipating something like that. Just a hunch.
23/6 would like to apologize for the excessive use of awkward football metaphors in this entry.
Read more from 236.com :
Debate Training: Biden Learns What Makes Girls Cry
The Daily Thing Wrong with John McCain
The Thinkable Has Happended: Casting Notice for Sarah Palin Porn
On Wednesday, John McCain announced that he was bravely embarking on a dangerous mission, in which he would fly into Washington DC to save the bailout before it's too late. In light of the three planes he lost while a pilot in the Navy, we should know by now that when John McCain says he's "flying in" anywhere, everybody better hit the frigging deck.
It appears that McCain's bailout mission was just a little less successful than his last bombing mission over North Viet Nam, when he was shot down and held prisoner for five and a half years in a POW camp. Except this time, it was the bailout package that got stripped naked and both arms broken. And according to many accounts, it was John McCain doing the arm-breaking.
One can only wonder, when John McCain got on that plane to the nation's Capitol only to destroy what many said was a plan near completion, was he seeking vengeance on a country that allowed him to wallow in agony for five-and-a-half years in that Hanoi pit of hell? And now that the bailout is begging for mercy, will anyone draw a cross in the sand at Henry Paulson's feet? And before any more damage is done, can we please send a rescue mission into DC to get John McCain the hell out of there?!
One final question, and perhaps this is a stretch but maybe Lehrer might throw it out there at the debate tonight . Considering John McCain's record of accomplishment and the likelihood that the longer he stays in one place the more damage will be done, if McCain had been pulled out of Nam much earlier, would the Viet Nam conflict presently be sitting in our "win" column? Think it over while our democratic-capitalist system crumbles all around us over the next few days.
With a recent poll putting Obama nine points ahead of McCain , and Americans blaming Republicans for the economic crisis by a margin of 2 to 1 , it looks like the Democrats finally have a national nightmare that they can "own." It's so bad for Republicans that McCain had to shut down his entire campaign (sort of) .
After seven years of being hit by the GOP with the business end of
9/11, Democrats finally have an opportunity they cannot afford to pass
up. This economic crisis must be exploited and capitalized upon at
every turn. We studied the GOP playbook over the last eight years to
create this handy guide to help Dems get the most out of their national
disaster exploitation...
It's coming. The long-awaited first presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain happens Friday at the University of Mississippi. Will you be watching? We hope so, because we'll be drunk and we'll need someone to tell us what happened.
Of course, before the candidates even take the stage, there's a lot of preparation to be done. After all, a man can't argue the finer points of national security if his dressing room isn't in order. We've gotten a hold of the backstage rider for the candidates to show you just what it takes to satisfy a presidential nominee.
Read more from 236.com
McCain '08: Rescheduling We Can Believe In
McCain's $5,000 Make Up Job Should've Looked Like This
We're not economists, but according to our calculation, Wall Street is about to be swallowed up by a sinkhole. What can you do to protect your investments? Wait, you have investments? You're our most elite reader!
Normally, in times of such confusion, we turn to our FAQ team to help explain the news. Unfortunately, it seems our Q&A people are stymied themselves. They explain why in our FAQ: financial FAQs .
Okay, no jokes this time. Please explain the financial crisis.
No.
Don't make me beg.
No, I mean, I'd like to explain it. I just can't. I haven't a clue.
What? You? Mr. Answer Man? The man with the answer plan? You're stumped?
Guilty as charged.
It's like I don't even know you anymore.
I don't know myself anymore.
You're scaring me. For reals, isn't this an FAQ about the financial crisis?
Actually, it isn't. Have you tried reading any financial FAQs ? These normally boring primers are now full of useless technical jargon that only complicate the issue. We're looking at nothing less than a complete breakdown.
I get it. So this is an FAQ about --
The global failure of our FAQ system, yes.
I don't understand. It all seemed so stable.
That's what many Americans thought. That overconfidence triggered a shift away from the more traditional methods of information gathering and analysis, towards the "quick fix" approach of FAQs. Naturally, news organizations were only too happy to repackage their information into easily digestible Q&A-style news nuggets.
So what happened?
Everything worked fine as long as rates of interest in the news remained low. What nobody foresaw was advent of a national crisis so severe and so complicated that it affected practically all Americans. Consumers who had previously relied on low-effort soundbites and FAQs to get their news suddenly found they couldn't keep up with the skyrocketing levels of information being released each day. The dumbed-down FAQ format was simply not designed to handle it.
Well, crap. I'm screwed. I was one of those chumps. Now with FAQs in the dumper, my comprehension, my awareness, my idle cocktail party chit-chat...I've lost everything.
Not necessarily. Right now, members of Congress are working closely with FEMA to develop a bailout plan.
FEMA?
The FAQ Emergency Management Agency.
There's a federal agency that regulates these things?
Of course. What, you thought they were written by a bunch of bitter, alcoholic comedy writers who sit around their Soho offices laughing that their friends in the financial sector are taking it up the ass?
I guess not. That would be silly. So how will it work?
The plan involves greater federal regulation of FAQs, plus a $700 billion investment in forcing network news anchors to very slowly and patiently explain what the hell is going on. The plan is supported by both presidential candidates and the bill is expected to pass.
Fascinating. Do you think this bailout plan will stabilize the market to the point where I can begin relying solely on FAQs for my news? Or is this just a Band-Aid for a larger problem?
Only time will tell, my friend.
Really? You think we're friends?
No.
Read more at 236.com
Will Someone Please Hack Bristol Palin's Email Already?
OMG! Sarah Hours Away from Meeting Heads of State
Bank CEOs: Should They Be Draw, Quartered, Hung, Shot or Forced to Fire the Night Nanny?
In their latest effort to stonewall the Alaska state legislature's Troopergate investigation of Sarah Palin, husband Todd Palin has chosen to ignore a subpoena and is refusing to testify in front of the legislative committee.
It would seem that if Sarah Palin has done nothing wrong, her husband's testimony could only help to put this matter to a close. His refusal indicates that he must be afraid of what he might be forced to reveal when questioned under oath.
Which begs the question: What is Todd Palin trying to hide?
We have some ideas...
1. Todd Palin grows weed in his basement.
This guy is way more easy-going than any spouse of Sarah Palin has a right to be. He's up there in the icy wilderness, married to a vindictive extremist who is so unscrupulous she'll even exploit her own special needs child for political gain. And yet every time you see Todd Palin, he seems to not have a care in the world. He's got a nice, happy smile poking through his thin beard of "I'll get around to shaving eventually" stubble, and he's basically just going with the flow. This guy parties, and he's got some plants under a hot lamp in his basement rec room. While the investigation would never touch on drug use, he clearly smokes enough to be paranoid of any line of official questioning.
Our proof: People in Alaska call him the "First Dude." And as we all know, the Dude abides.
2. Todd Palin once killed a man with his bare hands and ate him
Todd is a champion snowmobile racer, having won the Tesoro Iron Dog snowmobile race four times. That race covers almost 2000 miles of
terrain. 2000 miles of icy Alaskan wilderness, where the only goal is
to stay alive at all costs. Considering how many times Todd has
participated in this race, there is no way he could be alive today
without having killed and eaten another man at least once (if not every
time he's ever raced). Murder is legal in Alaska as long as you can
prove you ate the meat of your victim and/or used his pelt as a
blanket. Still, Todd is a decent man and there is probably not a single
night that he doesn't wake up screaming after another terror dream
about the blood he spilt out there on the Tundra. When put on the
stand, he might be glad to finally set his conscience free. Team Palin
doesn't want that kind of information finding its way onto Daily Kos.
Our proof: Has he denied it yet?
3. Todd and Sarah Palin tried to get Trooper Wooten fired
Everyone already assumes this to be true but it's the least of what he's trying to conceal, so let's move on.
Our proof: We said, LET'S MOVE ON!
4. The Alaska Independence Party (AIP) is a just a fancy way of saying "Al Qaeda"
The AIP wants Alaska to secede from the United States . Their slogan is "Alaska First, Alaska Always," because "I wouldn't fuck America with your dick!" didn't fit on a tee shirt. Todd Palin was a member from 1995 until 2002, a fact that is of no interest to voters because Michelle Obama once accidentally suggested she might not have always been proud of her country.
Coincidentally, there's another political party that wants nothing to do with America. It's called Al Qaeda and we think Todd Palin negotiated with Osama Bin Laden to get Alaskans access to Qaeda military training camps in Afghanistan.
Our Proof: How else would Alaskans have been allowed to train in Qaeda camps if someone hadn't gotten Bin Laden's permission? And who better to negotiate than Mrs. Governor himself, Todd Palin?
5. Todd will beg the state legislature for sanctuary and ask that they hide him someplace where the McCain-Palin campaign can't find him
The campaign knows that the minute Todd sees an opening, he's gone, so they aren't letting him out of their sight. First Dude wants nothing to do with mainland politics. Anyone who'll ride a snowmobile through the wilderness for thousands of miles at a time has no interest in the national spotlight. They won't let him testify in front of a private committee for the simple fact that they know they'll never see him again.
Our Proof: Go check behind the Rita Hayworth poster hanging in Todd's room. See for yourself. He's digging out!
Read more at 236.com
Will Someone Please Hack Bristol Palin's Email Already?
OMG! Sarah Hours Away from Meeting Heads of State
Bank CEOs: Should They Be Draw, Quartered, Hung, Shot or Forced to Fire the Night Nanny?
