Just Plane Fun: a holiday travel guide

With the holiday travel season approaching, many of us anxiously await those dreaded travel days filled with impossibly long airport lines, invasive pat downs, exorbitant airline fees, and so much else that has stolen the joy from the flying experience. In an effort to brighten up the many hours wasted in transit, we bring you this edition of

JUST PLANE FUN

When on airplane, here are some fun things you can do to make your fellow passengers ‘

1.) ‘Terrified

After the plane reaches a comfortable cruising altitude and the peanuts/pretzels have been handed out, stand up from your seat suddenly. With a shriek, hold your backpack over your head. While nervously fumbling with the zipper to open the bag, proclaim “attention infidels, prepare to die.”

• Variation:
  Continue the sentence, “prepare to die ‘of laughter.” At this point, produce from your bag a pair of comically large novelty glasses. Put them on and stumble about the cabin, groping the air in front of you as if you cannot see well in these glasses. The audience will quickly come to love this and may even begin chiming in “it’s the glasses; take off the glasses; they are too big for you.” Also you won’t get arrested.

2.) ‘Uncomfortable

After the plane has reached a comfortable cruising altitude and the cabin has grown incredibly quiet, pull your legs up to your chest so that you are bunched into the fetal position in your seat. Turning away from the neighboring passengers in your row (preferably towards the window) announce in a soft quivering voice just loud enough be clearly audible in the silence of the cabin: “I’m going to cum.” Then maintain 100% eye contact with anyone who turns to look at you.

• Variation:
  Add a hooded sweatshirt

3.) ‘Excited

After the plane has reached a comfortable cruising altitude and the passengers have enjoyed their complementary in-flight beverage service, stand up suddenly in the main aisle of the plane. In one grand motion, throw into the air a handful of one-dollar-bills that you have taken from your wallet, and in your best game-show-announcer voice, declare, “ladies and gentlemen, welcome to money plane!!” (be sure to stretch out the vowel sound in the last word so it is more like “plaaaaaaaane”) Then sit down. While people may be confused about what is happening, they are guaranteed to be excited. It is the confusion itself that will excite them the most. “Am I going to get money on this plane? Is the plane made of money? Whatever it is, I love it!!”

• Variation:
  After throwing the money into the air and making your announcement, remain in the isle and begin to clap. Continue clapping until 70-85 percent of the other passengers are clapping.
  Then put on the glasses.

Enjoy your flight.

Love,

Stupid Time Machine