Catholic Church To Gay Couples: “Yes, We Accept You! No, You Can ‘t Get Married”

For Immediate Release

State of Vatican City, April 8th 2016 ‘ In light of Pope Francis ‘ 256-page document discussing relationships, love, and acceptance within the Catholic Church, we wanted to clarify our official position toward gay couples.

Gay couples are more than welcome to worship with the Catholic Church. They can sit in the front pew, no problem with that at all. But if they want to leave their wedding rings in the car that would be great because neither the Church nor God recognizes their marriage as anything close to real.

We encourage gay couples to take part in church activities! Their children can absolutely join our youth groups and expect no judgement from leadership or other youths. They will be welcomed with open arms. Though it would be good if gay couples could have someone else sign their children ‘s permission slips for field trips because we don ‘t recognize them as parents or a family and neither does God.

We don ‘t know who could sign the permission slips, maybe the mailman? ‘ Check if he ‘s straight first.

We want to be more inclusive of gay couples. And while they can ‘t hold a marriage ceremony in a Catholic Church, they can attend a wedding ceremony in a Catholic Church if a normal couple invites them. They can even sit next to each other! (Though we prefer they don ‘t).

As the Pope said, gay or straight, people should be treated with respect and consideration. That is why we are encouraging our priests to be as respectful and considerate as possible when they tell gay couples there is no possible way the love they share is what God means when he says love. And it ‘s kind of crazy that they think it does.

So, see you at church, gay couples! Please don ‘t make polite conversation beforehand with the actually married couples as if you share a similar experience because you absolutely do not!