About Me:

Hi all. I’m Beth, a freewheelin’ girl from Ventura in Cali. I’m the whole package. But I’m also the kind of girl who speaks my mind, so I hope you don’t have a problem with that. Many guys have been chatting me up here and want to know what my turnoffs are. Well, I’ll tell you. I’ve got a lot of things that bug me, and as a 21 year old girl with a killer bod who’s just 16 short months away from an awesome accounting degree, I’m not afraid to tell you.

I don’t like people who park in handicapped parking spaces if they don’t have a sticker. That just gets on my tits something awful. And while we’re on the subject, I don’t like people who do Irish accents if they aren’t Irish. Not that I’m Irish. But who are they trying to impress? Is that, like, your only way of making yourself known? Gosh! Get over yourself! Puh-leese!

And by the way, I find it very offensive if people use the "c" word around me when they haven’t known me for at least 18 months. I mean, if I’ve known you all my life and you’re my brother or my dad, you can say the "c" word all you want. Sometimes it’s a great word, especially if somebody’s being a real "c." But if you say it when you’ve only been my partner at hatha yoga for a few weeks, obviously we’re not as intimate as you think we are. I feel very vulnerable when I’m doing the dog and cat pose and you start talking about what a "c" the instructor is. My body starts puckering in all the wrong places when you do that, and I will not be seeing you at yoga next week. And don’t expect me to call. I’ll just leave it to you to figure it out. That’s how I serve.

Next: I don’t like ventriloquists. That’s the lowest form of entertainment. It offends me personally if you talk at me through a doll. Do you think I’m stupid or something? Also, men who wear socks with holes in them. What did I do to you that you’ve got to wear socks with holes, kill your dog? Are we English street urchins here? I thought we lived in the wealthiest industrialized nation on the planet. And by the way, I don’t like short, yellow gym shorts on guys. And I especially don’t like it when you sit down and stretch in them, because who knows what shiny bags are going to come dangling out. What are you trying to do, make me scro-blind?

Other things I don’t like: pointy hats. And guys with too much curly facial hair. Geez! Don’t you know that "pornostaches" make me itch in my girly low lands when I see them? Also, I can’t stand people who eat whole pickles lengthwise. Ewww! Get a clue, pickle-fellators! That is not cool!

Meanwhile, if you wanna chat or, God forbid, date me, you gotta know that half-drunk bottles of Snapple left in the fridge make me want to kill somebody. If you ever leave a half-drunk bottle of Snapple in the fridge, I’m going to throw ice water on you while you sleep and then do glancing toe kicks at your genitals. That is just not something you do.

Other things I can’t stand: egg nog. Midgets. Three-legged dogs. If I see any of these things, I will fucking kill you. Also, I hate rust. And shaggy hair. And carpet if the nap is too short or too long. I hate Wal-Mart shopping carts left in the parking lot. I hate the phrases "due to" and "per our conversation." If you use these phrases around me, I will dig my French cut nails into your eyes and scratch them until there’s nothing but optical nerve dangling out. I hate manila envelopes on Wednesday. I hate the letter "Q" when there’s not a "U" immediately following. I don’t like the way I feel right before sunset on Sunday evening, so you better not come anywhere near me right then. I hate chinchillas, the CBS television network, the color mauve, the way old people smell, the acronym "ROFL," the unfinished underside of park benches, "The People’s Court," chrome spinner hubcaps, poetry when it’s spoken out loud, the major arcana in Tarot decks, coffee cups with writing on them, and birds that can’t fly. So if I see anything of these things, I will totally plunge a knife into anyone who brings them around me. Got me?

I also hate the name Randolph, air conditioner condensation, mackerels, soup that’s colored white, the word "thee," any group of numbers that add up to "17," and girls who have both muffin tops and ass cracks. If I see any of these things, I will go into a grand mal seizure, and believe me, your bodily person will be nothing more than collateral damage in a erupting lava of nuclear girl malice that will envelop you and your family and wash you away in a soup of blood, gore and viscera.

Who I’d Like To Meet:

I will fucking kill you if you try to meet me.

Beth has: 22,868 friends

From Eric Rasmussen's blog:

www.myspace.com/ericandsalo

What things are we doing to compromise the integrity of our good names?

--*Putting the company logo on whoopie cushions

--*Putting your picture on an ad by Medifast

--*Making sure that whenever people think of your heavy-metal band Krokus, they are also thinking of pre-stressed concrete moldings

--*Making it Scientology approved

--*Giving it the Roman Polanski seal

--*Making sure that the Pepsi product was placed in a very visible place in the film during this heated scene of intense emotion and sexual ultra-violence

--*Having a drink named after you

--*Having a board game named after you

--*Having all your children and a line of cheap chicken grilling devices sold at Wal-Mart named after you

--*Creating many different religious denominations named for your savior, all of whose dogmas are totally at odds with each other

--*If you are Lance Armstrong, just about everything you're doing

--*Writing "U.S. dollar" on it. Especially if it is a U.S. dollar.

From Eric Rasmussen's blog:

www.myspace.com/ericandsalo

What Things Are 8-Year-Olds Repeating That They Don't Understand?

--*"We've got plenty of oil right here in American to drill."

--*"Ethanol just won't solve our problems."

--*"I will end you."

--*"Iron Man had a real gritty side."

--*"It's hard to be a Christian."

--*"That's socialized medicine for you!"

--*"I think there are too many flaws in Obama's plan."

--*"I think people just blame America first."

--*"911 changed everything."

--*"Our love is bigger than that!"

--*"This pool party is off da hook."

--*"It's hard to be a father."

--*"I wish I could quit you."

--*"I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

--*"Man doesn't need any animal tissue at all."

--*"A man and a woman can never really be friends. Sex always gets in the way."

--*"What is the measure of a man?"

--*"I'm surrounded by philistines!"

--*"Hillary was only in it for Hillary."

--*"A country without borders is not a country."

--*"It's a hard thing to kill a man."

--*"Evolution just doesn't make sense."

--*"This is my fight, and I'll fight it my way."

--*"She's my soul mate."

--*I'll never love again."

From Eric Rasmussen's blog:

www.myspace.com/ericandsalo

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) -- The Supreme Court today issued a judgment that anybody who can understand the grammar of the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution has a right to bear arms. The judgment defends the right of individuals to protect themselves in their homes with firearms as long as they can parse the turgid, arcane, Latinate grammar used by the framers.

Justice Antonin Scalia and Justice John Paul Stevens argued over the ambiguous text for several hours today before the court handed down a 5-4 decision striking down a Washington, D.C. law restricting gun ownership.

Scalia argued that just because there is a prefatory clause with no subordinate clause in the Second Amendment does not mean a man does not have the right to brandish firearms. Better yet, knowing such grammar—a Latinate idiosyncrasy of 18^th Century writing that uses the long lost absolute ablative case—will likely ensure that the person is responsible and well-educated.

"As far as you know," Scalia added.

Asked about the decision, unemployed postal worker Derrick James of Covington, Kentucky exclaimed, "Woo-hoo! I think."

The Second Amendment says explicitly: "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

James replied: "Huh?"

"Well, I don't know how explicit that is," said Justice John Paul Stevens in his dissent. "I mean, this is the 21^st Century. We use subordinate clauses now. I don't see why it says what people think it says. I mean … gosh, if that first comma weren't in there, maybe we'd having something."

Justice Scalia preached calm on the decision today.

"The framers were very clear about the Second Amendment, which states very clearly something along the lines of: 'If you can read this, you can own a gun.' It's like one of those bumper stickers—if you can read this, you're too close, that kind of thing."

When asked what the ablative case was, exactly, Justice Scalia said, "Here's an example: 'The judgment allowing guns in D.C. being handed down, Justice Scalia shall dive under his desk.'"

"Do I get my gun or not?" asked Dolores Hickey of Butte, Texas, as she waited with three children in the parking lot of the local Wal-Mart. "I've got a few children here I need to start protecting right now."

Legal expert Marshall Lyons, a professor at Georgetown Law and chairman of the conservative think-tank the American Society For a Better People, said, "There is absolutely no reason why the text of the Constitution is ambiguous about you buying a sweet, sweet Rossi model 461 snub-nosed revolver with a 2 inch barrel, a 1:16.5" barrel twist and a six-round capacity, especially on the very dangerous streets of Washington, D.C. It says very clearly that you can have a gun if you can diagram sentences."

From Eric Rasmussen's blog:

www.myspace.com/ericandsalo

Oklahomans Celebrate Opening of New Planned Parenthood Clinic

WILLIAMBINE , OKLA. -- The sounds of kettle drums and marching bands ... the sight of balloons, clowns, tumbling acrobats and acrobatic planes. Such gay festivities heralded the opening of a brand new Planned Parenthood clinic in Williambine, Okla., Wednesday as Oklahomans stepped up to do their part to end runaway birth rates. Wild celebrations marked the event, bands and magicians performed, and politicians came to give praise to the much needed clinic, where the many hundreds, if not thousands, of unwed young Oklahoma mothers will hopefully come and seek the advice of trained professionals about what they can do to stop all the rampant baby-making going on in the Sooner State.

"It's been hard here in Oklahoma for so long, what with many people's lack of understanding about family planning," said Wilhemina Jenks, 26-year-old mother of five from nearby Ada. "We just keep having them and having them and having them and having them and having them. Where's the leadership? Somebody had to do something. Mom? Dad?"

The ribbon-cutting ceremony at 8 a.m. was immediately followed by fire eaters, jugglers and clowns on stilts as onlookers thrilled at the site of the brand new prefab building colored white with brown trim and the "Planned Parenthood" logo embossed near the door in shining gold intaglio. A member of the military, Sgt. Judd Newsome, came over to give it a polish.

"I'm proud of that logo," he said, tearfully. "It's just so bright and shining."

Members of the local military were on hand to fire a salute from armory cannons, and afterward, the town put on potato sack races while cheerleaders from Williambine High, the "Fighting Remuda,"  performed rollicking numbers from " Gypsy" and, of course, "Oklahoma." The joyous cries of men and women lauding sound reproductive choices for the first time pealed from stucco and exposed gravel facades far and near.

"I just can't tell you how much we needed this clinic," said Tamara  Hennessey, a 39-year-old grandmother, who is raising three kids belonging to her daughter, now unseen for the last three years and believed to be in Las Vegas. Hennessey added, "I mean, I believe in God and Jesus and all that. But come on. We don't have to be psychos about it."

Mayor Jerry Rippee was on hand for the ribbon cutting, just as he was for the opening of Wal-Mart two days before. "I can tell you," Rippee joked, "You can buy socks at Wal-Mart. But here at Planned Parenthood, you can get the gloves for free. Hint hint, fellows!"

The crowd laughed heartily at Mayor Rippee's joke.

"I guess you could say," added city councilwoman Marjorie Bierhorst, "that good birth planning is a civic duty. It's where the rubbers meet the road." Like Mayor Rippee, she was also received with laughter and cheers.

The festivities were continued with a watermelon thump and a pumpkin toss, as well as a strongman contest and a good old-fashioned line dance.

"Oklahomans are an upstanding Christian people," said Chrissy Timpkins, 22, holding one baby up on her shoulder as another one crawled around nearby on the end of a string. "But hey. Look around. How stupid do you have to be? We need someone to friggin talk about all the G** d***** babies." She then had to leave to look for her third child, who was lost somewhere in the crowd.

Rev. Clive Oster of the local Baptist Church agreed. "The Bible said that sex should only be enjoyed within the bounds of marriage. But come on. This isn't medieval times."

"When Britney Spears' 16-year-old little sister got pregnant," said Timpkins, "children wanted to know how it could happen. Well, this is how it happened: she had somebody's penis stuck in her and he ejaculated! Let's just say it in English, for cryin' out loud!"

Sally Shrimpton was the very first customer to enter the doors of the clinic at 9:35 a.m. She turned and waved to the crowd before entering and said, "I thank all of you good Oklahomans for coming out to show your support for safe reproductive choices in Oklahoma. You really are a hearty, robust and rational kind of folk, the kind who make our country great." She then went inside and terminated her pregnancy, emerging to cheers and congratulations a few hours later.

At the end of the night, the town held a spectacular fireworks display and held a dance. The condoms were free, of course.

"This is sensible health and reproductive planning -- Sooner style," said Bud Heigle, holding up a plate of pork ribs in one hand and a fistful of glow-in-the-dark prophylactics in the other, and adding, "Get 'er done!"

From Eric Rasmussen's blog:

www.myspace.com/ericandsalo

TERRE HAUTE, IND (AP)--April Wilkerson was visiting her grandmother one night last April when she heard disconcerting sounds coming from Grandma Trudy's bedroom. At first, she was worried that it might be an intruder or some kind of wild animal. To her utter horror, she discovered that her beloved grandmother was performing the act of sexual intercourse with a man she knew from the soda counter at the five and dime.

"I couldn't believe it," says April, who is 18 years old. "I have been in therapy ever since. How could this be happening in America?"

Across the nation, American teens like April are becoming increasingly distressed to find that their grandparents are engaging in sexual intercourse, sometimes more than once a month.

"It's disgusting and immoral," says Randall David, 17, of Pacific Palisades, Calif. "These are our grandparents we're talking about. They're the ones who remember our birthday and give us cookies. To think of them engaging in sex when they can't possibly reproduce anymore just sickens and depresses me."

David and Wilkerson recently corresponded by MySpace and have formed an outreach group called "Let's Stop Old People From Having Sex." Here they have met many others like them who say that the spread of "geriatric canoodling" is on the rise and is a cause of growing concern.

"What if they, like, die while they're doing it?" asks Wilkerson. "I mean, they're old. Anything could happen. I just don't understand why they would want to even do something like that. You're supposed to grow out of sex and start knitting or something."

Marva Wainwright, a sex therapist in Austin, Texas, says that it is often the case that older people continue to have intercourse if they value it, and a recent New England Journal of Medicine study reports that a quarter of those between 75 and 85 were having regular sex. About one third of those said they had given or received oral sex in the last year.

"Uggghhhh!" screamed Wilkerson. "I'm gonna vomit! I can't believe my freakin' ears. I mean, it's OK for teens to have sex, because we're good looking and all, and our bodies are like, wanting it all the time. But for Grandma Trudy to do something like that … ugh, I can't even think about that."

Maribeth Lundegaard, a 17-year-old from Belleville, Kansas, who was recently named student council president at her high school, agreed with her peers.

"Sex is a serious topic," says Lundegaard. "It is not only a matter of personal freedom, but a matter of social responsibility and personal morality that every person must give serious thought to before engaging in. That is why, as a teen, I have taken serious precautions and talked about my choices responsibly with a doctor. However, old people having sex is just disgusting."

Asked about her sexual behavior, Wilkerson's grandmother Gertrude Stuyvesant said, "MYOB. Mind your own beeswax. ... April's birthday is April 27."

"Listen," said David, "I love my Grandpa Dwayne. And he used to tell me lots of stories of being serviced in Mexico in the 1940s. But those were different times. He's got to stop having sex right now. He doesn't know what it could do. It's like they told us in school ... it could mess up your future."

From Eric Rasmussen's blog:

www.myspace.com/ericandsalo