theretributioners

My Dream Date With Amy Winehouse
Dear Playboy Advisor: Who doesn't love bee hived British jazz chanteuse and troubled torch singer Amy Winehouse? The woman is the Billie Holiday of our time. She's sings with a sense of timeless romanticism, of aching loss, of soul crushing despair. I love Amy because she sings music for dark nights of the soul. And who wouldn't want to have a dark night of the soul -- out on the town, that is--with a lady of such rare refinement and grace? Oh sur...

Patented Two-Minute Film School Want to write a screenplay? All you've got to know is the structure.
Remember, movies are just a formula, and if you were to cut away the dialogue from "Wayne's World," "Citizen Kane," and "Star Wars," they would all look alike. We here at the Parson's Institute of Design have learned all the tricks. Get ready to quit your job, because after you read this, you're going to be in Hollywood very soon, snorting coke off Maggi...

From: Steve Jeffords To: Jonah Aranoff Re: Your Bar Mitzvah Dear Jonah, My wife is your distant cousin Sally Hollo, and we recently were in attendance at your bar mitzvah at the Long Beach Long Island Yacht Club, and I just wanted to say mazel tov. You are a man now, and it was very inspiring to see you receive the Torah scroll, passed from so many parents, grandparents and step grandparents and whatnot and I was impressed to see how well you read from it and how you came up with the ...

Sexual Theme Park Last year, a "sexual theme park" opened in London's Piccadilly Circus, which its sponsors hope will dispel notions of sexuality as somehow dirty or unhealthy. Here are a list of rides currently operating at the park: "The Matterhorny" "The Panty Raids of the Caribbean" "Water Sports Arena" "Face Mountain" "The Wild D-Cup Ride." "Sexual Boundaries Frontierland" "Gash Mountain" &qu...

About Me: Hi all. I’m Beth, a freewheelin’ girl from Ventura in Cali. I’m the whole package. But I’m also the kind of girl who speaks my mind, so I hope you don’t have a problem with that. Many guys have been chatting me up here and want to know what my turnoffs are. Well, I’ll tell you. I’ve got a lot of things that bug me, and as a 21 year old girl with a killer bod who’s just 16 short months away from an awesome accounting degree, I&...

What things are we doing to compromise the integrity of our good names? --Putting the company logo on whoopie cushions --Putting your picture on an ad by Medifast --*Making sure that whenever people think of your heavy-metal band Krokus, they are also thinking of pre-stressed concrete moldings --Making it Scientology approved --Giving it the Roman Polanski seal --*Making sure that the Pepsi product was placed in a very visible place in the film during this heated scene of inten...