San Francisco (AP) -- The onset of gay marriage in the United States has ruined the lives of straight people, say an overwhelming majority of struggling and rageful heterosexual married couples.

Since the legalization of gay marriage in states like California, Connecticut and Massachusetts, 95% of heterosexual couples say that they can no longer enjoy their married lives at all and are feeling despondent and depressed over it. Sixty-seven percent say food doesn't taste as good; 55% say they no longer relate to their spouse; 23% they no longer perceive different colors; 10% said they can't touch animals or certain kinds of synthetic fabric; and an overwhelming 98% say that they no longer enjoy the act of sexual intercourse.

"Gay marriage has just ruined everything," said Wayne Betancourt of Franklin, Mississippi. "I feel like we're all just walking around in a state of waking death at my house. And I know my neighbors feel the same way. Marriage used to be sitting down to dinner with my wife and talking about our day. Now evidently it's supposed to be some kind of trannie Wigstock Festival listening to Kylie Minogue. I'm just shattered."

"The other night my husband was making love to me," said Rachel Haddingfield. "And just as he was about to reach orgasm, he stopped and said, 'I don't know why I bother Rachel. I mean, in today's gay world, I might as well be cornholing you instead.' I knew that was the beginning of the end. We're barely speaking now."

Since the first gay marriages were first made legal in San Francisco several years ago, heterosexual couples claim that their interpersonal domestic lives have been directly impacted, marked by strained communication, emotional outbursts, food phobia, psoriasis, mange and worst of all, passive-aggressive behavior such as an unwillingness to speak or take out the garbage and pay bills.

"This is only a guess, but I'd say we've lost about $4 trillion in productivity because of this," said gas station attendant Lance Bangs.

Since the Supreme Court a few years ago found what many scholars say is an implicit right of gays to marry, most heterosexuals say that their belief in the legitimacy of their own marriages has now been irretrievably shaken. The divorce rate among them is now 50%.

"Can you imagine?" says John McManus of the Pew research institute. "Fifty percent! That's half of American married people whose lives have been ruined. All by a certain group of people, I won't say which, who want to turn a Christian institution into La Cage aux Folles ."

"My son tried to commit suicide last week," said Foster Harrigan, a truck driver in Olympia, Washington. He refused to elaborate.

Among the traumatic feelings heterosexuals have felt since the first reports of legal gay marriage are less attraction to their spouses; worries that they themselves or their children might be gay; an unsettled feeling that all marriage is no longer valid and their relationships are thus likely to dissolve in confusion; post-coital depression; post-nasal drip; bleeding ulcers; wild swings in the stock market; and wild anxiety about a new age of violent, gay frontier justice.

"I hope the gays are happy," said Wayne Rangel, a postal employee from Osh Kosh, Wisconsin. "They are selfish, selfish people and now their selfishness has penetrated the most intimate, sacred areas of my life. I just can't look at my wife the same way knowing that our well-founded, healthy red-blooded heterosexual love has been turned into a mockery, a joke and a sham. Evidently now, according to the U.S. Constitution I can't be married now unless I'm willing to be fisted by a male stranger in a Berlin bathroom stall. Am I supposed to kneel somewhere? How does this work?"

Many voiced concern that with the likely surge in gay ceremonies being performed, they won't even know how to be married anymore.

"I mean, when I come home, do I ask my wife for a foot rub and have a romantic dinner or am I supposed to dress up like Dorothy, lube up with KY and watch Melrose Place ?" asked Glenn Davis from upstate California. "I mean, we're sitting at home now looking at each other like we've completely lost the script. It's just dead silence for hours. Is it me? Am I going crazy?"

"These are our lives!" insisted kindergarten teach Grace McCutcheon of Terre Haute, Indiana. "Marriage is a sacred Christian institution. It's not an episode of Wonder Woman . I don't think the gays understand that."

From Eric Rasmussen's blog:

www.myspace.com/ericandsalo

Lagging In the Polls, VP Candidate Sarah Palin Scores High Marks on Anchorage Junior Hockey League's "Fuckability Index"

ANCHORAGE, ALASKA (AP) – As the number of weeks left in the sometimes bitter 2008 U.S presidential race dwindle, a number of polls show vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her running mate John McCain lagging. However, surprising support has come from a heretofore overlooked quarter, as Palin scores consistently high marks on the Anchorage Junior Varsity Hockey League's "Fuckability Index."

"Point for point, Palin is the clear winner here," said 15-year-old Sammy Moynihan, team captain and star center for the Anchorage Cusk Eels. "We matched Palin on several important issues that we believe a credible candidate must have: looks, personality, brains, breasts, bottom, legs, overall sex appeal, and personal integrity."

He added, "In our index, of course, Barack Obama falls way down to the bottom of the list at somewhere below 260 millionth place. He doesn't even rate as well as Becky Hutchins in my civics class. A total hatchet face."

Moynihan's forward right, Jerry Rayhall, concurred with his teammate's assessment.

"Our index is a little more sophisticated than most," Rayhall said. "A lot of guys just do the T&A check, but there are some of us who also want a girl you could talk to and fall in love with. Someone who could squeeze out a few of your puppies there, ya know?"

Rayhall has scored three goals for the year and has eight assists.

The hockey league's fuckability index was a think-tank project incubated "sometime in the late 1980s," says team goaltender Larry "Longshanks" Weismuller, by one of his older brothers, christened on a piece of crinkled engineers paper during a night of crazed Onanism at the Log Creek High School Cabin Retreat.

"That first index was a little rough," says Weismuller. "The first version was pretty much what you'd expect there. Just tits and ass there."

Over time, however, with the help of input from older brothers and uncles and fathers and friendly aging grocery store clerk Mr. Buttons, said Rayhall, the index became a highly sophisticated political index that helped ferret out many more qualities that are bound to set a female apart.

"Sarah Palin's just blown the list wide open, there," said Moynihan. "I mean, we never even thought to add talents like 'sharp shooting,' 'moose packing' and 'payback.'" The latter, of course, was Palin's "Dirty Harry type" persistence in persecuting her former brother-in-law, State Trooper Michael Wooten, whose nasty divorce from Palin's sister provoked hostile family reaction that shook the highest levels of state government.

"Oh boy, I might have to add a notch to each category for that one. That whole Troopergate thing just made her knobs look bigger to me," said Weismuller, adding a "1" to the breasts and thighs categories to round them out to perfect 10s for Palin.

The index is mathematically very simple says Kit Vonnegut, a forward who led in team back checks last season. Each woman is rated on a scale of 1 to 10 for each category. "For instance, Sarah Marshton gets a 2 for boobs and 10 for personality. And it's vice versa for Violet Petty. Bitch won't even look at me in history class."

Vonnegut has an eye patch and a possible spinal cord injury after last year's JV championship with the Nome Sled Dogs when he was brained by a wild puck while playing the blue line.

"But oh, Sarah Palin fills up my right eye mighty nice there," he said.

Upon hearing about the "fuckability index," the boys' civics teacher pointed out "It's an important sociological imperative getting students involved in politics at an early age."

She then sent them straight to detention and a Newsweek investigation should follow next week.

From Eric Rasmussen's blog:

www.myspace.com/ericandsalo

When Barack Obama recently visited Jerusalem, he placed a written prayer in the cracks of the Western Wall, where it is said one has "God's ear," but the prayer was taken by a reporter and then published in a Israeli newspaper, an act that elicited much outrage.

What was it Obama wrote?

--*"Vote for me, God. Love Obama."

--*"Next stop, Tomb of Rachel."

--*"God, please take this publicity stunt as a tribute to you and your greatness."

--*"If you're reading this, you are a newspaper reporter who stole my prayer, and now God won't get it and the prayer won't come true, and now I won't be able to lead the American people with steadfast righteousness as I had implored God in my note, thanks a lot."

--*"A man can't even blow his shofar around here without there being a riot among peoples."

--*"Honk if you've got no country."

--*"Nobody in Israel supports me, God, so I realize that I'm pretty much just pissing in the wind here."

--*"I only hope that I am worthy to stand in front of this breathtaking symbol of history's ethnic and religious tolerance."

--*"Jesus saves."

--*"God, I can't think of a more fitting silence from you in a more fitting place to show that you absolutely don't give a shit about mankind."

From Eric Rasmussen's blog:

www.myspace.com/ericandsalo

NEW YORK (AP) -- Clay Aiken's stunning confession last week that he was a gay man was followed by an equally surprising reaction by his one month old infant son, who responded: "Duh!"

According to most child development specialists, Aiken's son Parker, born August 8, should not even be capable of speaking yet. Still, he responded to Aiken's revelation: "Dad, I know I haven't been around very long, but your being gay was kind of easy to pick up on. You don't hide it very well."

Among the things Parker pointed out was Aiken's tireless efforts to woo male baby nurse Herman Mansegard and to seduce maintenance man Jaime Lazardo, and his scads and scads of gay porn.

"Also, the whole musical theater thing was kind of a gimme."

Aiken said that his reason for coming out now was that he didn't want to live a lie in front of the public and his son. Parker applauded Aiken's courage, but added "Come on, give us a little credit. That whole tiptoeing around the issue. That was us being accepting already."

Aiken has expressed worries that his longtime fans might be troubled by his completely unsurprising revelation and he is even worried about losing a few of them.

"It's a lot to take, but I know the last thing my fans would want is for me to be dishonest to them," said Aiken as infant Parker rolled his eyes and slapped his head at this completely unnecessary dash of pathos.

"Really Dad, I know I'm only six weeks old, but come on. You're laying it on a little thick, aren't you? We get it."

Aiken wanted other people to feel comfortable coming out of the closet and know that what's most important is to grow up in an atmosphere of acceptance.

Parker responded, "I feel like we spend a lot of time coming to terms with things around here. I wish somebody would just f**king feed me."

--From Eric Rasmussen's blog

www.myspace.com/ericandsalo

OK guys, I have a major announcement concerning The Retributioners. Our web series was selected to join the Axis of Comedy Network, sponsored by For Your Imagination, Inc (FYI). What is wonderful about this is that you can watch our show, along with other great funny web shows! Here is the link:

http://www.axisofcomedy.tv/

Bookmark it! We are so proud and honored to be joining the following very popular shows:

The Burg
Abigail’s X-Rated Teen Diary
Break a Leg
Goodie Bag
Goodnight Burbank
Kyle Piccolo – Comic Shop Therapist
The Patrice Oneal Show

You can also read the Tubefilter article about it here:
http://news.tubefilter.tv/2008/09/16/axis-of-comedy-to-launch-with-8-hit-shows/

This is a MAJOR step for us. For Your Imagination will be promoting all of the shows on the network! Expect lots of interviews, possible merchandising, and tons of new content!

So please, spread the word. The site officially launched today, and a big announcement was made during the New York Television Festival! I participated in the festival, and it was a lot of fun!

Thank you!

stephanie

OK guys, I have a major announcement concerning The Retributioners. Our web series was selected to join the Axis of Comedy Network, sponsored by For Your Imagination, Inc (FYI). What is wonderful about this is that you can watch our show, along with other great funny web shows! Here is the link:

http://www.axisofcomedy.tv/

Bookmark it! We are so proud and honored to be joining the following very popular shows:

The Burg
Abigail’s X-Rated Teen Diary
Break a Leg
Goodie Bag
Goodnight Burbank
Kyle Piccolo – Comic Shop Therapist
The Patrice Oneal Show

You can also read the Tubefilter article about it here:
http://news.tubefilter.tv/2008/09/16/axis-of-comedy-to-launch-with-8-hit-shows/

This is a MAJOR step for us. For Your Imagination will be promoting all of the shows on the network! Expect lots of interviews, possible merchandising, and tons of new content!

So please, spread the word. The site officially launched today, and a big announcement was made during the New York Television Festival! I participated in the festival, and it was a lot of fun!

Thank you!

stephanie