Los Angeles, Calif. (API) Now that she has finished using him for mating purposes, Oscar-winner Angelina Jolie has begun consuming film star Brad Pitt, the father of her children, it was reported Thursday. The couple's last two children were born in July 2008, and following a hectic season of movie releases, Jolie began the oft-observed natural phenomenon of sexual cannibalism that brought a swift end to Pitt's life and career.

Jolie, the internationally renowned film star, multiple-Golden Globe winner and goodwill ambassador to the U.N. Refugee Agency, started eating Pitt, star of 2008's The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, sometime last week on the couple's giant bed, and it is not certain whether she has quite finished gorging on him.

"It's a sad day," said Pitt's friend George Clooney. "But that's the miracle of life. It happens."

Pitt and Jolie first encountered each other on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith in 2005, sparking an international scandal when tabloid rumors swirled that she had broken up Pitt's marriage to Jennifer Aniston. Jolie soon became pregnant with Pitt's child, Shiloh Nouvel-Jolie Pitt, and Pitt has since sired two other biological children by her, the twins Knox and Vivienne, which they've added to a brood of three other adopted children, Maddox, Pax and Zahara.

"This is true Hollywood royalty, and a truly new kind of American family," said former Vanity Fair editor Tina Brown. "It was sad that it had to end this way, but nature took its course, and we humbly regard its mysteries."

Susan Sarandon, Pitt's co-star in Thelma&Louis, remembered him as a dynamic movie star whose presence and sexual charisma were so appealing, she joked, that he could arouse the mating instincts of almost anybody--no matter what their gender, sexual persuasion, breed, order, class or phylum.

"He was one of the bright lights of our industry," said Julia Roberts. "I can't tell you what a loss this is. But of course, he knew what he was doing."

Sexual cannibalism is often found in cases of sexual dimorphism, when the female is much larger than the male. Biologists have noted that there are many reproductive advantages to the behavior, such as the female's ability to root out inferior DNA by eating males before reproduction, and of course the male's nutritional value, which can lead to a more rugged brood.

Jolie has been married to two other mates, Billy Bob Thornton and Jonny Lee Miller, but many observers said that these men were inferior specimens who were unable to supply Jolie with the superior genetic material she required. Neither man was consumed by Jolie.

"I guess I dodged a bullet there," said Thornton. "Really, I wish Angie all the best."

Pitt, an Oklahoma native, rose to meteoric international fame with the films A River Runs Through It, Legends of the Fall, Interview With the Vampire, Seven and 12 Monkeys.

Jolie, who at first tried to downplay their affair on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, eventually admitted that she had immediately seen Pitt's biological advantages, his statuesque features, his strong square jaw, high forehead, facial symmetry, erect posture and good waist-to-shoulder ratio.

"And of course People magazine said he was the sexiest man alive, which confirmed these genetic traits," said Jolie. "It was fairly clear we would mate."

Jolie, star of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, is one of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood, and she's now up for another Academy Award for best actress for her role in The Changeling. She will likely accept the award for Pitt if he wins the Oscar for Benjamin Button, though she was still unavailable for comment while she finished eating the father of her children. In advance of the Oscar presentation, it is likely she is incubating many eggs now, say scientists, though it is unclear how many of them will survive the first molt.

From Eric Rasmussen's blog:
www.beautyisimperfection.wordpress.com

Washington, D.C. (AP) Hundreds of thousands of spectators were expected to throng to the nation’s capital Tuesday as the United States celebrated a peaceful transition into a full-fledged democracy upon the inauguration of the new president, Barack Obama.

With Recession and Unemployment Raging, Obama Plans To Eliminate Verbs From Speech

Washington, D.C. (AP) As America faces increasing job losses and rising financial insecurity, President-elect Barack Obama has proposed the elimination of verbs in American speech as a belt-tightening measure.

"In an age of big American financial crisis, paper expensive. Verbs -- unnecessary," Obama said. "Predicates needless."

The proposed measure would eliminate predicates and all words denoting actions or states of being until the American economy was well on its way to recovery.

"Americans strong," said Obama. "Even without verbs. In the future, less verbal waste. And so more buildings, more food, more money. Hooray!"

House Democrats were fuming about the measure, which they said was proposed without their knowledge.

"No verbs? How no verbs?" asked Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "Communication limited now. Too difficult, speech."

Obama said he expects the cessation of verbs, a major component in syntax, will save the government millions of dollars in paper and also help Americans increase productivity by spending fewer minutes per person on unnecessary verbiage.

"A travesty, this," said former Nixon administration speechwriter and self-described "language maven" William Safire. "The end of knowledge. The end of reason. Devastating. Utterly devastating."

Americans said that they would have trouble adapting to the challenges of a verbless society, and that Obama's proposed changes would likely have them soon stooping over and muttering in some kind of strange simian Neanderthal-speak.

"No verbs too hard," said law professor Felix Diaz. "Language and communication difficult."

"No verbs? Not too hard," said Lila Montgomery, a customer greeter at Wal-Mart. "Toothpaste? Aisle 3. Videotapes? Aisle 10."

"Speech rugged, even when no verbs," said linguist Noam Chomsky. "Grammar universal, innate."

Verbs are words that vary according to many factors, including tense, voice, mood and aspect. Obama was unsure whether the moratorium on speech would extend to gerunds, infinitives and supines, verbs which can sometimes act like nouns.

"Maybe yes, maybe no! A conundrum!" Then he shrugged.

"America no money," continued Obama. "Thus, America no verbs. Not until America money again."

From Eric Rasmussen's blog:
www.myspace.com/ericandsalo

This Year's Christmas Card From Grandma Nothing But a String of Grievances

MUNCIE, IND (AP) -- Eighty-eight-year old Muncie resident Maybell Serlock's Christmas cards to relatives this year were nothing but a string of grievances going back to 1976 and farther, reported Serlock's grandchildren. Serlock began her cards this year with "Happy holidays from grandma," but the tone of the cards then quickly descended into recrimination and guilting.

"I hope everyone had a great 2008," wrote Serlock. "Mine was hard as you know. Joey, my son-in-law, still hasn't paid me back for damages to my car when he was taking me to buy groceries. My granddaughter Clem hasn't come to see me for two years. And supposedly I have a new great-grand-baby, but I cannot confirm this because I have not seen this child and feel it would be irresponsible to report on things I know nothing about."

From there, the tone of the card degenerated into an angry invective against long-dead great-great-grandmother Hattie, who supposedly tried to cheat Serlock out of some land in 1943.

"Luckily I still have my property, even though, as we all know, Hattie tried to have me removed from my own land by a peace officer after a quarrel. Later, when she was angry at me, she hit my windshield with a rock that left a large crack that I couldn't get fixed for two years. Because of that I couldn't see through it the best I could, and got into a fender bender that still causes me back pain. May she rest in peace."

Serlock said that her two dogs Shep and Angel are both doing fine, even though "they are Great Danes and have knocked me down a few times. Thankfully, the EMTs at LifeSource Outpatients were responsive, a lot more so than the surly brood of children that escaped from my uterus."

Among the highlights of Serlock's year were the salmonella poisoning at Uncle Stan's picnic and the cold she got from cousin Risa's children.

"You know, at my age, a cold can kill you, something I'm sure Risa well knows this holiday season. I hope the kids feel good and that they aren't buzzing with killer influenza too much."

The card trailed off with a "happy new yearrrususussusu....."

"Grandma is always keeping us up to date on her year," said her eldest grandchild, Pete Lorraine, 18. "Like last year at Christmas when she said she really looked forward to seeing the squirrel at her mailbox ... on account of the fact it was the only thing to look forward to, seeing as I never wrote to her."

Lorraine said he had just bought his grandmother a snazzy knew black wrap he'd bought on a trip to New York.

"But come to think of it, I'm going to give that to my aunt and buy Grandma a box of powdered doughnuts."

Serlock, of course, can't eat doughnuts for multiple health reasons.

"That ought to fix her," cackled Lorraine and his siblings.

Dinner at Serlock's house is set to commence at 6 p.m. on Dec. 25, to be followed shortly thereafter by what is likely to be a bitter, acrimonious fight.

From Eric Rasmussen's blog:
www.myspace.com/ericandsalo

Dear God,

I am writing to ask your forgiveness about something I am deeply ashamed about. I'm writing to you because last night rather than read a book, go to an art museum or see a film, I stayed home to watch the Diane Sawyer-Ashley Alexandra Dupre interview on ABC, and for this I beg your absolution and grace.

I beg it, oh Lord, because I was momentarily caught up in the tut-tutting housewife's prurient fascination with this horrible, stupid, smutty topic. The story of a small-time hooker who brought down the governor of New York. I usually stay away from bad TV, Lord. I don't like the faux reality concocted by television, and normally I am wise enough to stay away and understand it for the waste of time that it is. And yet there I was last night. I had to watch.

I'm sorry because I, like many Americans from all walks of life, no matter what our pedigree, level of academic achievement or phase of maturity, had become sucked into the drama that had engulfed the New York state executive branch this year—had watched as a smart, brash Democratic politician draped in piety and self-righteousness debased himself and degraded his office to spend a few hours with a large-breasted, provincial high school dropout from New Jersey, exit 98. A reform minded man of arrogance who saw himself as protector and destroyer, who wielded power with great fluence and total confidence, Eliot Spitzer entered the office of governor with a great wave of popular support and widespread gratitude for all his efforts to bring Wall Street corruption to heel. He took the office not only with a mandate but with the bearing of a king.

I beg your forgiveness, God, because for some reason, I again needed to hear the story about how this great man with so much potential for greatness fell from grace because of a simple tragic flaw, a fussy adolescent need for instant sexual gratification. I watched because the archetype of the great man brought down by his hubris is one of the most compelling in our collective unconscious, an atavistic thrill that has stirred mankind for thousands of years. It is the subject of both Greek drama and I'm sure an episode of Desperate Housewives, too, though I have never seen it.

I watched because I so needed to hear once again the not-illuminating story of how a cute bridge and tunnel girl with strict parents rebelled, took drugs and sought out easy money.

I'm sorry God because I knew she would cry, and I wanted to see it so I could feel that the chickens had come home to roost, that the moral circle would be squared and the karmic ship righted. I am sorry, God, because I secretly hoped that she would have a thick New Jersey accent—which would just make the whole thing more stupid, tragic and sexy.

I'm sorry because I was gratified to hear that she only took solace in the arms of men who showed a remarkable willingness to lie to her on a daily basis and shelter her from reality, and thus it sounded to me like she had always been happily complicit in her own exploitation and debasement (the tale of her one sexual assault notwithstanding, obviously).

I'm sorry, God, because I let Diane Sawyer narrate me into the most titillating aspects of Ashley's biography, from her first time with a john, to the regular rituals she performed before her assignations. (Ashley would hug her dog before going to work!) I'm sorry, because I played my stupid part in the gestalt, yelling at Ashley through the screen for her foolish choices, just as Diane Sawyer wanted me to do. I'm sorry that I let Diane Sawyer take a self-righteous tone on my behalf, which allowed her to hide her own complicity in the tawdriness of this tale by amplifying the awfulness of it all for an audience of peanut crunching, gum-smacking mouth-breathers – like me, dear God. Oh, I know. They are all just like me.

I'm sorry because I, like Ashley, sometimes feel a need to be special, too, and because of that, I also make bad choices. I am susceptible to flattery, sometimes, or I'm lazy and selfish. I, too, would every once in a while love to have members of the opposite sex lie to me so that I wouldn't have to deal with the pedestrian heaviness of real life and all its burdens. I turned to Ashley to forget, God, how flawed I am.

I have never gone to a prostitute and never committed a crime, God. No, I was just sitting there on my couch, watching her suffer so that I could feel better about myself. And so I am so horribly guilty.

Dear God, who I don't even believe in. Please forgive me in my horrible wretchedness for playing my part in this horrible affair. Please, please, please forgive me and have mercy on my TV-watching soul.

Love,
Eric

From Eric Rasmussen's blog:

www.myspace.com/ericandsalo

Nashville, Tenn. (AP) The two white supremacists accused of plotting to assassinate presidential candidate Barack Obama were extremely disorganized, and so dumb it is a surprise they were drawing air, say federal law enforcement agents close to the case. What's more, their scheme suffered from ill-conceived theatrics including half-baked costumes, an incompetent execution strategy with no follow-through, poor planning and what police say was a "really half-assed" political message.

"I've got to tell you, in all my years, I have yet to see a more atrocious and frankly stupid duo," said a federal agent who asked not to be named. "I used to think the movie Dumb and Dumber was really far-fetched. My skin is really crawling at how stupid these two were. It makes me cold."

Among the other things the suspects Paul Schlesselman and Dan Cowert had allegedly planned was to carry out their dastardly deed dressed top to bottom in tuxedos and top hats.

"All I can say is, 'concept overload,'" said local theater director Wayne Smitty.

"I don't know about you, but the frog in the Warner Brothers cartoons trying to assassinate somebody comes to mind," said an FBI source. "It's just too surreal."

Another big mistake, say authorities, was for the alleged plotters to "draw Swastikas on the side of their car and brag to all their friends 'We're going to kill Barack Obama and 88 other black people.' Maybe they realize now that was a stupid move."

"I'm no scientist," said Travis Country Sheriff Buck Donohue. "But most master criminals might tell you it's wiser to be a little bit circumspect if you're going to plot a big crime. Telling everybody you're going to do it beforehand when you're all out at Pizza Hut is pretty ass-backward. That's rule No. 1."

Among other problems, the conspirators were extremely disorganized. The plot several times broke up because the two men failed in practice robberies—one in which a dog scared them away.

"They can't even outwit a dog," said Dr. Stephen Hawking. "This is a big step back for all of us."

"There's a saying we have in business," said Marvin Pietre, a group leader at IBM, "Prior planning prevents poor performance. Frankly, though, I think that kind of reasoning would be lost on these two, the kind of guys who would bite their own hands off to get out of a bear trap."

Scientists agree that something was terribly wrong with the two plotters.

"The human brain has been expanding over millions of years and now takes up one-fifth of the energy of the entire human body," said evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins. "I have nothing to say about these two people."

Schlesselman, who dropped out of high school, was often known to go into chat rooms and write, "Me and my friends are 'racist's.'"

"He doesn't even know how to properly use an apostrophe," said local high school English teacher Beth McGreedy. "I mean, is it really likely he was going to be able to map out Obama's campaign routes? We're not talking about a sophisticated international group like in Die Hard here."

McGreedy agreed with Hawking.

"I've been  sitting up all night trying to think like a stupid person and for the life of me I can't figure out where the tuxedos came in. Just trying to crawl into these two criminals' minds for two minutes has left me feeling cold and alienated from other human beings."

"This is probably the greatest hope we have that maybe the people in this country who are so consumed with evil and hatred might also be thwarted by their own mind-boggling stupidity," said Rev. Jesse Jackson. "We'll just have to cross our fingers."

From Eric Rasmussen's blog:
www.myspace.com/ericandsalo