by Dean Baker

That's easy. You ask them how failure to pass the bailout will give us a Great Depression.

The odds are that your favorite DC intellectual type has uttered some dire warning like that. After all, they all heard some authority like President Bush or a highly respected news reporter make such a claim. All right-thinking people know that we just have to give $700 billion to the Wall Street crew or the economy will collapse.

While all right-thinking people might know we need the bailout, just about all right-thinking people don't have a clue as to what they are talking about.

The Great Depression story is of course the most extreme case. No one has yet sketched out the sequence of events that will give us ten years of double-digit unemployment. But hey, if the scare story helps get the bailout passed -- and gets those uneducated skeptics in the hinterlands to buy it -- why not talk about the Great Depression?

I was on a talk show today in which one of the other guests (a representative of the security industry trade group) told listeners that you can't get a mortgage unless you put 30-40 percent down. This is of course total garbage (the interest rate on 30-year fixed rate mortgages is a very low 6.0 percent) and the vast majority of loans are being made with 10-20 percent down, but lying for Wall Street is no sin.

The host of the show was appalled to find that neither I, nor the other in-studio guest, supported the bailout. At one point he became exasperated and told me that because companies can't get access to credit they might have to lay off workers. He told me that United and GM may have to begin laying off workers next month if the credit squeeze doesn't ease.

Of course if United and GM actually do lay off workers, the credit squeeze will be a very small part of the story. The airline and auto industry face really big problems for reasons that have nothing to do with the credit squeeze, although paying higher interest rates on borrowing clearly does not help.

It is remarkable how the contemptuous comments that the elites have directed at the masses for opposing the bailout can be so much more accurately directed back at themselves. In fear and anger they have embraced a bailout that makes little sense in the context of the economic crisis facing the country. Rather than listening people who actually understand the economy (I doubt a single economist in the country believes that the bailout is the best way to help the economy) they have shouted down and shut out critics of the bailout and have been willing to spread all manner of outlandish scare stories to advance their case.

It was impressive to see the mass outrage over the bailout at least temporarily stop the bill. But, the full court press by Wall Street, the media and the entire political establishment is hard to counter. If the bill is not stopped, those who vote for it should at least be held accountable for the economic mess they create. Remember, these are the folks that couldn't see the housing bubble.

by Alec Baldwin

If you give them the $700 billion, make them issue stock. Make every recipient of the bailout issue stock in return for our "investment." Don't give them the dough. Make them sell a stake in their companies. Banks, investment firms, insurance companies, you name it.

Put the money in accounts to fund Social Security.

Or, as my friend David said over dinner tonight, only give the money to small, local banks. Savings and loans. To rebuild the mortgage market on the local level. Borrow the money from a guy who lives in your town. To Hell with Wall Street. The current Wall Street. Why prop up a system that may soon devolve into Three Big Banks, only to watch one of those fold after the election?

Remember one of the most damning things about this government: they lie. All the time. There is likely more to come. And $700 billion will not cover it. So, they'll come back for more. A lot more.

Don't give them the money. Don't loan it. Make them sell us a piece of the action.

by Andy Borowitz

With less than a week to go before the crucial vice-presidential debate, GOP presidential nominee John McCain announced today that he was replacing his running mate, Alaska governor Sarah Palin, with a startled deer.

According to campaign insiders, the decision to select a hoofed mammal to replace Gov. Palin evolved after Sen. McCain watched his running mate's performance in a series of interviews with CBS's Katie Couric.

"Good Lord, a startled deer could do better than that," Sen. McCain reportedly said, prompting his aides to draw up a shortlist of startled deer.

The Arizona senator supposedly brushed aside concerns that a startled deer would wilt under the pressure of a televised debate, telling aides, "At least a goddamn deer won't go on about Alaska being close to Russia."

The McCain campaign said today that Sen. McCain's new running mate, Bucky the Red Deer, would not be made available to the press prior to the debate.

"Bucky is very much a work in progress," said McCain campaign manager Rick Davis. "Right now we're working on keeping him from bolting off the stage."

Bucky's opponent in the upcoming debate, Delaware senator Joseph Biden, appeared today to be trying to manage expectations for the high-stakes face-off with his four-legged rival.

"Bucky the Red Deer is articulate, bright and clean," Sen. Biden said. "That's storybook, man."

Elsewhere, former "American Idol" star Clay Aiken revealed that he was gay in an exclusive interview with Duh magazine.

by Alan Zweibel

Scene: Two kids talking on a playground.

- How come you weren't in school yesterday?
- Because I'm Jewish.
- So?
- It was Rosh Hashanah.
- What's that?
- New Year's.
- But it's only September 30.
- Well, that's when it came out this year.
- This year?
- Yeah, it's different every year.
- Why?
- I'm not sure.
- Geez...
- But this year it was a lot later than it was last year.
- Really?
- Yeah, last year the second day of Rosh Hashanah fell on...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa -- the second day? Your New Year's is two days?
- Yes.
- Why?
- I'm not sure.
- Geez...
- But the other night when the holiday started...
- At midnight...
- At 7:38.
- 7:38?
- Yes. Jewish holidays begin when the sun goes down.
- Why?
- I'm not sure. ..
- Geez...
- But as soon as the sun set, our New Year immediately kicked in.
- So it's already 2009 for you?
- No.
- But you just said...
- It's 5769.
- 5769?
- Yeah.
- Where'd that number come from?
- The way I understand it, we were here for close to 4,000 years before you guys came along.
- Really?
- Yep -- and that's when you started counting.
- And you didn't start over from zero?
- No reason to. We were on a roll so we just kept going.
- Makes sense.
- Thank you.
- So what do you do on December 31st?
- Celebrate New Year's Eve.
- But you just had two New Year's Eves...
- That's the beauty of Judaism. You get three New Year's Eves, eight days of Hanukah, plus a Christmas vacation even though it's not our holiday.
- Hardly seems fair to the rest of us.
- Hey, that's why we're called the Chosen People.
- I'll say.

"Clothing Optional ," a collection of Alan's short stories and essays, was just published by Random House.

by Billy Kimball

Could you believe it? A slam-dunk, right?

I haven't seen a beat-down like that since Bentsen vs. Quayle. It wasn't even close! It's over. There's no way the Other Guy can bounce back from a humiliating defeat like that.

My Guy was so presidential. You could really see him sitting in the Oval Office. The Other Guy had nothing to offer besides that smug and superior attitude. What gives him the right to act like that? I mean, we all know his story (and, hey, I give the Other Guy credit for everything he's had to overcome) but still, that doesn't automatically entitle you to be president.

I knew the Other Guy was going down when he wouldn't say clearly whether he supports a federal bail-out of the financial markets or not. It's a yes-or-no question! You know, the Other Guy acts like he's so different but he's a double-talking run-of-the-mill politician just like the rest of them.

Were you watching the Other Guy in the split-screen? It's like he doesn't own a mirror! I guess no one on the campaign had the guts to tell him how to listen without looking like a dick. It figures. The Other Guy doesn't seem like the sort of Guy who'd take criticism well.

Seriously, I'd be very scared to have the Other Guy in charge of our foreign policy. He's just reckless. My Guy is the sort of leader they respect overseas. And he understands the big picture. The Other Guy doesn't know what he's talking about!

And you know something? My Guy also understands the terrible price we pay whenever our military is sent into harm's way. After all, he has a bracelet given to him by the mother of a fallen soldier. And he was wearing it at the debate!

I guess the only thing I thought was disappointing was that My Guy didn't go after the Other Guy more. I wish he'd called him out on some of his more egregious bullshit. Maybe next time My Guy and the Other Guy will really go at it. If that happens, My Guy will wipe the floor with the Other Guy! He's got all the advantages.

The Other Guy's supporters would have to be blind not to realize, after tonight, that their candidate is deeply flawed. It was really disgusting to watch the Other Guy's people try and spin the debate afterwards to make it sound as though the Other Guy won. Dream on!

But I will say that even if you do support the Other Guy and think he did well tonight, you have to agree that Jim Lehrer looks very old.

by David Weinberger

10. Suspicious Russian tourists spotted across the Bering strait in Dezhnevo

9. Wrasslin' a bear

8. Learns Tina Fey will be watching

7. When taken on tour of White House by McCain handlers, is "inadvertently" locked in Cheney's man-sized safe

6. Schedule for memorizing state capitals thrown off by need for new schedule to memorize states

5. Speechless after finally looking up what "MILF" stands for

4. On deadline to finish her book, Namin' Your Baby the Alaskan Way

3. Needs more time to really nail those hilarious hair-plug zingers

2. No matter how hard she scrubs, she can't get Kissinger's moral stank off of her

1. Stuck in traffic on the Bridge to Nowhere