My buddies, what do we really know about John McCain?  Why hasn't he told the full story of his past associations?  Is he really, as some say, a Communist?  Let's look at the evidence.
 
Senator McCain has repeatedly admitted that he lived in North Vietnam with known Communists for more than five years... during wartime!  During that time he was offered the opportunity to leave Communist North Vietnam... and refused.  Does that sound like someone who loves America?
 
As a Navy flier, he crashed two jets... at the behest of his Communist handlers?

And later, my buddies, he went <em>back</em> to Communist North Vietnam and negotiated with his Communist North Vietnamese pals... <em>without</em> <em>preconditions</em>.
 
He has associated with a known Vietnam combat-dodger.
 
And he has endorsed the policies of the current administration, which is now engaged in the Communistic nationalization of our nation's banks and financial system.
 
But, my buddies, perhaps we could forgive Senator McCain his Communisticalist tendencies if not for his admitted associations with drug addicts, teen sex, rapists and terrorism.
 
John McCain publicly lived with an admitted prescription drug thief and addict.

Senator McCain clearly supports unmarried teen sex, as shown by his support for a woman who supports her own daughter's unmarried teen sex pregnancy.
 
My buddies, John McCain has taken the side of America's rapists by associating with that same woman, who required rape victims to pay for their own forensic exams.  Is it a coincidence that Senator McCain has never publicly denounced the Big Rape lobby?

Dear Alaska, It's been a roller coaster of a fall...or should I say Autumn. Maybe it just feels like a fall. We've all been catapulted up to the stars, and now I wonder what the re-entry is going to feel like. Where will we land?

Remember how it used to be? You could get on a plane, lay by a pool, stand in line for a concert...pretty soon you would hear "Wow, really? Alaska? What's that like? Cold?" What I love about being born and raised here is now mocked on national TV. Growing up on a brown bear reserve; catching my first silver on a dolly rod, stranded in rural West Cook Inlet with life threatening appendicitis, and being flown through a raging storm for emergency surgery by a pilot who happened to be a real maverick; learning, first hand, the amazing adverse adventures of the great pioneers of this Great Land, have all mutated into a Jerry Springer meets Northern Exposure episode. Alaska had a mystique that inspired books and movies. It's over, "my friends." Now, all people will want to know is if you read newspapers, eat moose burgers and own a snowmachine. The truth for many of us is "yes." I'm making moose chili for a debate night gathering of my friends on Wednesday night. My mantra has been if you don't Ski-Doo, you Ski-Don't. If you don't live here, you're probably laughing. Our lives have been turned into a punch line. I want to scream, "I didn't vote for her! I read! I travel! I'm not that mean!"

Let's be honest. We have grown fat on pork. I haven't complained. I like bacon. But things on the horizon are looking a bit vegan. Ted Stevens has brought it home in buckets, but it looks like he's going to have a few eyes on him should he make it into the next session. Don Young secured money for a bridge or two to nowhere, and wanted to name one of them after himself. After his Coconut Road fiasco, still being investigated by Congress, I think they are going to make sure he doesn't even get a coconut, much less a road. So where does that get us? John McPalin is looking rather flaccid in the polls. His big display of "Maverickness" is his promise to make America "pork free." Wow, how's that gonna work for Alaska? Other option: O'Bama, O'Berkowitz and O'Begich! How much help do you think the returning Governor Palin is going to get from a Democrat President, House and Senate?

Stop playing tiddlywinks and start playing chess. Where will Alaska stand with an Obama presidency? Where will we stand with a cranky Sarah Palin? After the nastiness of this election, how will those in power take care of Alaska's needs? What do we deserve as Alaskans? Do we have to wait for another 1964 Earthquake to get attention? Or another oil spill? We all know the truth about our Governor's abuse of power. We now know more about the Palins than we ever should know about any of our neighbors. Her reality deficit issues are becoming more apparent by the day. I'm asking you, what should we do? XO, Shannyn

PS. If you aren't an Alaskan, it's OK. We need to hear from you.

by Chris Kelly

The difference between Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney is Sarah Palin didn't flunk out of college. Dick Cheney did, so he has an excuse when he can't understand the difference between illegal and unethical. Sarah Palin should know better.

Smart? Ask anyone at the Weekly Standard : Sarah Palin is John C. Calhoun with ovum. So when a report to the Alaska legislature specifically finds her actions legal but unethical, and she makes a statement like:

"Well, I'm very very pleased to be cleared of any legal wrongdoing, any hint of any kind of unethical activity there. Very pleased to be cleared of any of that."

It's hard to know what to make of it. It can't be that she's a simpleton. (She can see Russia from her house, and Sholem Aleichem was from there, and he was a genius.) So she must be a liar.

--

The idiot is Todd.

--

The Branchflower Report on Troopergate reads like Sholem Aleichem took Dick Cheney and moved him to Chelm, the village of fools.

Bush and Cheney had their obsession with Saddam Hussein, and their backwoods doppelgangers, Sarah and Todd, had this poor peckerwood named Mike Wooten.

In both cases, the enemies had started out as friends. Saddam Hussein had been America's client in the Iran-Iraq War. Mike Wooten was married to Todd's sister-in-law, Molly.

In both cases, an administration came to power with a secret agenda. Bush/Cheney, to remove Saddam Hussein and change the face of the Middle East. The Palins, to get their ex-brother-in-law shitcanned.

Dick Cheney set up a shadow government in the Vice President's office, answerable to no one. Todd Palin got his own phone and a conference table.

Dick Cheney had the Office of Special Plans cherry picking intelligence on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. Todd Palin had pictures of Mike Wooten riding a snowmobile, even though Wooten claimed he had a bad back.

Dick Cheney said Iraq was an existential threat to America. Todd Palin said Mike Wooten was an existential threat to an improperly tagged moose.

Dick Cheney said Saddam Hussein had gassed his own people. Todd Palin said Mike Wooten had tasered his stepson.

And used steroids. And failed to pay a $5 fine for improperly disposing of rubbish. And sought to buy yellowcake from Niger. No, wait, that was the other guy.

In both cases, an absurd abuse of power was depicted as self-defense. Saddam's missiles could reach London. Mike Wooten had a car. And that was only the beginning.

Dick Cheney to Trent Lott:

"Saddam could put drone aircraft on a freighter, steam them across the Atlantic and use the route-planning software to dispatch lethal microbes anywhere from Miami to Boston."

Todd Palin to the Office of he Alaska Public Safety Commissioner:

Mike Wooten has beer in the trunk.

Sarah Palin's people wouldn't take no for an answer. They made 36 calls to anyone who'd listen to their evidence. They couldn't seem to understand why other people couldn't get it through their thick skulls that the executive should get whatever it wanted and besides their enemy was bad. Bush's people? Yeah ditto.

The law is a fine thing -- in most cases. But when you're faced with madmen like Mike Wooten, moderation is no virtue and the law is an ass. Evil must be defeated. Evildoers must be destroyed. Did I mention the moose?

Here's where the metaphor breaks down. The Palins, with Jesus in their hearts and shit between their toes, had their idiotic family vendetta and tried to turn it into a matter of state. Bush and Cheney had a war built on nothing but greed and pique and a lack of respect for human life. The Palins failed. Mike Wooten still has his job. Bush and Cheney succeeded, and hundreds of thousands of people are dead, and we paid to kill them.

See you in Chelm.

by Andy Borowitz

With just three weeks to go until Election Day, the McCain campaign has launched a nationwide talent search to find angry audience members for their increasingly hate-filled rallies, McCain aides confirmed today.

"People assume that when we hold a rally, angry white people just magically appear, but that's not the case," said McCain aide Hardin Carley. "The fact is, a lot of planning goes into this."

In order to stock their rallies with the requisite number of irate white voters, the McCain camp has reached out to Hollywood, retaining the services of casting agent Tracy Klugian, who found the angry crowds for the 2000 film "Gladiator."

"They were really clear about my assignment," said Mr. Klugian. "They were like, we want the same kind of crowds you had for 'Gladiator,' only more bloodthirsty."

Toby DeBreaux, a self-described angry white man from Dayton, Ohio, was one of a thousand hopefuls who showed up at Mr. Klugian's open casting call in New York City over the weekend.

With full-throated outbursts like "Liar!", "Terrorist!", and "Kill him!", Mr. DeBreaux seemed to impress the Hollywood talent scout.

"He really seemed crazy-angry," said Mr. Klugian. "It was like watching Cindy McCain off her meds."

Elsewhere, in a sign that the world financial crisis may be deepening, leaders of the G7 nations asked President Bush for cab fare back to the airport.

We have all heard that Governor Sarah Palin believes that the earth is only 6,000 years old and that man and dinosaurs co-existed . We all had a good chuckle at the Matt Damon interview . But what we haven't heard is Sarah Palin's response.

That is, until today. Palin has finally given a direct answer to the "dinosaur" question. Take a look.

God bless her, Sarah Palin is putting the "fun" back in fundamentalist Christian. Are we all so jaded that we can't remember when we were kids thinking how cool it would be to live with dinosaurs? Well, she hasn't lost that. She lives it every day of her life.

Let's be honest. Wouldn't it be more fun to ride a pterodactyl than an airplane? Wouldn't you rather shower with the snout of a woolly mammoth than with plumbing? How much cooler would it be to cut bread with a swordfish instead of a boring old knife?

Would the bridge in Minnesota had collapsed if it was a dinosaur? Isn't it more environmentally sound to cut your grass with a crab than a gas guzzling lawnmower? And who can argue that music sounds so much more full when played on the classic bird beak record player instead of digital MP3s?

The truth behind this is that we're all jealous of Sarah Palin. She reminds us of the naive innocence of childhood. Before we were burdened with horrible things like science and facts.

And who could deny how bad-ass Jesus would look shepherding in the Apocalypse while riding on the back of a Tyrannosaurus Rex?