After the election, I knew I should be happy. Not only did my side win, but a year's worth of CNN-fueled dread and anxiety had come to a final end, and I had more free time to enjoy pastimes like eating, sleeping, and watching Food Network. So why did I feel so empty?

I tried to tell myself that what I was feeling was residual disappointment. After all, not every candidate I supported saw a victory party. The CNN gee-whiz holograms were hardly ready for prime time. And gays and lesbians, hopeful that they too could surf the big wave of change, were left on the shore saying, "No, we still can't."

But it felt more depressing than simple disappointment. It felt like the day after a birthday, the circus leaving town, the lights coming up in a movie theater, or the beginning of an episode of How I Met Your Mother when you're just too tired to change the channel. It felt like loss, with even more gloominess ahead.

Then, while reading a local newspaper, I recognized my symptoms in an article about "Campaign Withdrawal."

* Feeling letdown? Check.

* Not knowing what to watch on TV? Check.

* Sensing my life is missing something? Check.

* Seeing Wolf Blitzer in the face of every bearded passerby? Well, that may be more related to something from my childhood.

In the article, Dr. Petros Levounis, Director of the Addiction Institute of New York's St. Luke's Roosevelt Hospital -- a man who probably doesn't take his coffee black -- said our obsessions stimulate "pleasure-reward pathways in the brain." He said that following political campaigns can become an addiction, with its own kind of withdrawal.

It's true. I miss Candidate Obama and Candidate McCain. I miss the debate and primary nights. I miss the moronic focus groups and their silly reaction meters. I want David Gergen to be my grandfather.

Dr. Levounis said he'd seen similar reactions in people at the end of American Idol. That would make John McCain the David Archuleta of political fascination, the only association those two can and will ever have.

But at least I know now what I'm suffering from, and that the emptiness will eventually be filled by something else, whether I earn $250,000 a year or not.

Goodbye mavericks, William Ayers, socialist redistributionists, magic maps, and Joe the Plumber.

Hello again, my same old life, this time in a brand new world.

Just minutes after their party's longstanding losing tradition lay in tatters on the ground, millions of shell-shocked Democrats stared at their television screens in disbelief, asking themselves what went right.

For Democrats, who have become accustomed to their party blowing an election even when it seemed like a sure thing, Tuesday night's results were a bitter pill to swallow.

The head-shaking and finger-pointing over the demise of the Democrats' losing streak, which many of the party faithful had worn like a badge of honor, reached all the way to the upper echelons of the Democratic National Committee.

"Believe me, I'm as shocked by these results as anybody," said DNC chief Howard Dean, who indicated he has received hundreds of calls from incredulous party members. "We did everything in our power to screw this thing up."

Dean pointed to several key elements the Democrats put in place to ensure defeat, ranging from "a rancorous primary campaign" to "the appointment of me."

"Somehow, despite our best efforts to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, we won," he said. "I came in here with a mandate to blow this thing and I didn't get it done."

Carol Foyler, a lifelong Democrat who owns a loom supply store in Portland, Maine, said she has been "nearly catatonic" since the election results were announced.

"For the past eight years, I've fixed myself some herbal tea, turned on NPR, and ranted about the Republicans," she said. "All that has been taken from me."

Elsewhere, Sen. John McCain offered this comment on Sen. Barack Obama's victory: "My friends, I've got him just where I want him."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.

If you're like most people, you're still in shock. THIS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS HAVING YOUR MIND BLOWN.

Even if you're stumbling around the office saying, "I can't believe it . . . I can't believe it . . . it blows my mind . . ." that doesn't actually mean the absolute, glorious, unfuckingbelievableness of it has caught up with you and officially blown your mind.

Neurologists expect most Americans' minds to blow sometime around 11:00 PM EST tonight (Nov. 5), approximately 24 hours after the election was called.

BE PREPARED.

Just a few simple precautions can make the difference between your mind blowing in a positive, healthy way . . . or a way that endangers you and other people.

First of all: WEAR A HELMET. You need to keep your skull from exploding. I was actually going to wrap my entire head in duct tape to keep it together -- until my wife suggested that might starve my brain of the oxygen required to actually comprehend how goddamn insanely, mind-blowingly historic this is. So I'm wearing an old bicycle helmet, on which I have written:

DANGER! IF THIS HELMET IS VIBRATING AND ITS WEARER IS SWOONING AND BABBLING, HIS MIND IS IN THE PROCESS OF BEING TOTALLY BLOWN. STAND BACK 50 FEET.

Secondly: DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS. Keep your mind hydrated. When the reality of the election result finally catches up to it, it's going to explode in a million little starbursts of Palinesque intensity. You need to make sure those starbursts aren't dry and chalky. I also recommend sticking multivitamins in your ears, to enrich any mind that blows out the sides of your head.

Third: DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY. I realize this may further damage our economy, but I don't want to be around some forklift operator who suddenly realizes what the heck happened last night just as he's moving hundreds of pounds of boxes near where I'm standing. What if his mind gets so blown, he goes limp and starts flapping around saying, "You can't be serious, this is so mind-blowingly intense, Oh my God, America, America, America, we did it!" because at that point, who's minding the forklift?

Finally: ENJOY THE PROCESS OF YOUR MIND BEING BLOWN. This particular mind-blowing braingasm will happen only once in American history . . . and your mind gets to be a part of it. (i.e., It's going to totally blow your freaking mind.) When it finally hits you -- when it really, truly hits you -- and you feel your mind starting to explode, lay back and smile.

After all, you earned it.

To the Youth of America,

As a writer for "Family Guy" (one of your favorite shows), it is entirely possible that I am responsible for one or more of your favorite offensive and/or "Star Wars" jokes. But for just a moment, I want to be serious and talk about next Tuesday's election, and while I do not speak for everyone affiliated with the show, I'm going to pretend like I do and encourage all of you to get out and vote on November 4th... for the black guy, not the old guy.

Some of you might be met with long lines at polling stations, but who cares? You probably don't have a job to go to and if you do have a job you probably hate it, so what difference does it make if you're a little late? Most of you would blow off your job to stand in line all night to get a new iPhone, or be the first to play "Guitar Hero: World Tour", or get free tickets to some shitty, horrible, unfunny Dane Cook concert; so why wouldn't you wait in line a little while to change the world?

Now, some of you might get to the end of this long line and realize some nefarious douche-nozzle has scrubbed your name from the voter rolls. This was probably done illegally and by some doughy, white gentleman who sweats a lot and has never had consensual sex. Make sure that you are not a victim of this asshole's plot to overthrow our government. Bring multiple forms of I.D., have the phone number of the local election commissioner on hand, and use your phone to record everyone and everything that stands in the way of you casting your vote. Then tell everyone who will listen that you were denied your rights. Blast the video everywhere you can. Post it on YouTube, email it to the news (not Fox News) and make sure the world knows what happened.

Believe it or not, you guys are the most important voting block in America. You have the power to change the direction of our country and the world. Don't blow it! Put down the bong, pause "Call of Duty 4", grab your cleanest t-shirt, get off your ass and vote!