The Huffington Post's Blog
These Days, More and More People Are Looking For Work
Dear Mr. Cheney:
Thank you for your recent letter inquiry about a position with the Gallup organization. As one of the nation's leading polling firms, we are always on the lookout for individuals with talent and experience, and your resume is outstanding. Moreover, you have correctly observed that the reluctance of people to take our surveys is a sizable factor in the cost of our services. However, we have concluded that classifying these people as ``enemy respondents,'' taking them into custody, and flying them to undisclosed locations for a program of enhanced interrogation is unlikely to result in meaningful savings, and as such we do not see sufficient benefit in retaining you to manage such a program at this time. Please be advised that we will keep your resume on file.
Sincerely yours,
Dear Mr. Tenet,
Just to let you know, I followed up your suggestion and contacted the commissioner's office, and Mr. Stern's assistant put me in touch with the vice president of in-game marketing. I told him about the video you made where you shout "It's a slam dunk, Mr. President!'', and your idea of showing it on the scoreboards at NBA games to rev up the crowds whenever a player dunks. Frankly, he seemed a little bit lukewarm to the idea, but he didn't entirely say no. Here's a question: Is it possible that you ever said to the president "It's Shaqtastic!"? Let me know.
Sincerely,
Dear Secretary Rumsfeld,
Please forgive me if I am stepping outside of formal channels here -- I'm sure Mr. Mehta will be replying to you directly -- but I'm just so excited that I couldn't wait to reply. I can't say exactly why he didn't think your manuscript was right for our nonfiction list, but I'm delighted that he recognized the attraction that "Knowns, Known Unknowns and Unknown Unknowns'' would have for us in the children's division. Kids absolutely adore that double-talk kind of nonsense language, and if you're willing to join me in rolling up your sleeves and cutting about 700 pages from your draft, I believe we'll have a classic that even Dr. Seuss would envy. By the way, I can't wait to introduce you to the illustrator. He's done some sketches of that scary Mr. Wolfowitz that are hilarious!
Very truly yours,
Dear Attorney General Gonzales:
It was good to meet you last week. Your idea for your online legal reference site is interesting. We had no idea that nearly twenty percent of all clients are unhappy with their representation and would hire a different attorney if they could easily find a replacement. We were also impressed by your market surveys demonstrating that no one is more closely identified in the public's mind with replacing attorneys than you. Unfortunately, with so much of our available funds invested in Karl Rove's Revisionist History Book Club venture, we cannot offer you financing at this time.
Sincerely yours,
Dear Dr. Rice,
This is to confirm that you will be teaching a course at The Learning Annex on Saturday, January 31st, to be entitled "Power Enabling: Smart Women, Costly Blunders.'' The cost of the session will be $49.95, and you will provide a free workbook.
Good luck.
Dear Mr. President:
Mr. Bruckheimer is in receipt of your proposal, but because he is stuck in casting his new series C.S.I. Wasilla', he asked me to respond. He wanted me to tell you that he likes the idea of a game show, that he likes the idea of calling it The Decider, and that he likes the format where contestants present you their problems, and you in turn give them answers that will leave them more prosperous, more highly respected, and better able to face the future. His only question is: do you have any experience?
Sincerely yours,
Hoping to calm a nation whose nerves have been rattled by economic woes, President-elect Barack Obama today delivered the first in a series of numbingly boring speeches designed to put the nation to sleep.
Viewers who were able to remain awake for the entirety of his speech could boil down Mr. Obama's economic plan to two points: stimulate the American economy while tranquilizing the American people.
"The President-elect is well aware that Americans are having trouble sleeping," said chief of staff designee Rahm Emanuel. "These speeches are designed to fix that."
By that criterion, Mr. Obama's speech on economic matters today was a huge success, with over half of his audience losing consciousness five minutes in.
"That speech was a home run," Mr. Emanuel said. "If he gives more speeches like that, you can throw away your Ambien."
But even as Mr. Emanuel was touting his boss's sandman-like oratory, Mr. Obama's Surgeon General nominee, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, offered Americans the following warning: "If you are listening to one of President-elect Obama's speeches on the radio, do not attempt to operate heavy machinery."
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.
I recently gave in to the requests of several friends and colleagues and joined Facebook. There are things I like about the social networking site (keeping up with friends, the highly addictive Scramble game) and things I don't (how can a site with so much traffic be so clunky, poorly designed and counterintuitive?). But the one thing I will not participate in is the giving and receiving of virtual stuff via Facebook. People are constantly sending each other gifts, everything from hugs to beers to Christmas ornaments to challas. You don't actually give or get anything, though, other than an icon for your page. What's the point? I don't get it.
But then it occurred to me: If the rules are now that you can give crap to people without actually having to give them anything in reality, well, then that opens all kinds of doors. With these new rules on giving in mind, here is my virtual gift list for this holiday season:
To Dick Cheney: A vacation. I don't think people understand how tiring it can be to personify evil on a day-to-day basis. It takes a lot out of you to trash the constitution, take away the rights of the American people, advocate for and approve torture, and lead the way in convincing the president to plunge the country into a needless war and a poorly planned occupation that has cost us thousands of lost lives, hundreds of thousands of disrupted and damaged lives, and coming up on a trillion dollars. So Dick needs to be sent on a vacation, and I know just the place: a federal penitentiary. I think a solid two-to-four year stretch would do him good, hopefully in the same place that Bernard Madoff ends up. That way, they can both meet the six-foot-five, 300-pound inmate who can teach them the prison meaning of "undisclosed location."
To Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera and Jorge Posada: Teeth whitening kits. The three holdovers from the New York Yankees' 1996, 1998, 1999 and 2000 championship teams (add Andy Pettitte to the list if he takes the Yankees' one-year contract offer for next season) probably cannot stop smiling at the chance to return to the glory days now that the team has acquired C.C. Sabathia, Mark Teixeira and A.J. Burnett this off-season. If nothing else, Jeter won't have to answer the "When are you moving to first base?" questions anymore. On a related note:
To nearly all of the ESPN on-air personalities: Red Sox jerseys. This way, the network can come clean and stop trying to hide its thinly-veiled deep love for the Red Sox and hatred of the Yankees. Eric Kuselias moaning and whining about the Teixeira signing this morning was hilarious. He read three emails totally obliterating his point of view (that the Yankees' signing of free agents this off-season, even though they had a ton of money coming off the books, is destroying baseball), but his responses to the emails were at the "am too!" level of argument and were exactly what you would expect from an angry Red Sox fan. It was good television, but not in the way Kuselias was hoping for, I'm sure. Let's throw in a Red Sox cap for him, too. (Mike of the great Yankees blog River Avenue Blues made an excellent rebuttal to the Kuselias position, as articulated by the owner of the Milwaukee Brewers.)
To Rod Blagojevich: The Elvis Presley CD "Elv1s 30 #1 Hits." The Elvis-loving, hair-obsessed, wiretap-starring, potty-mouthed governor of Illinois is so detached from reality, I'm sure he won't find anything at all discomforting in hearing "Suspicious Minds," "Way Down," "Too Much," "Don't," "Surrender" (maybe he mistakenly thinks it's one song, "Don't Surrender"?), "(Now and Then There's) A Fool Such as I," "(You're the) Devil in Disguise," "A Little Less Conversation," and, of course, "Jailhouse Rock."
To David Paterson: Noise-canceling headphones. Ten months ago, the guy was living a quiet, anonymous life as the lieutenant governor of New York. One call girl bust later, and Paterson was thrust into the role of leading a state with a projected deficit of tens of billions of dollars. And, to boot, he now has to appoint someone to fill Hillary Clinton's senate seat, knowing that the person will have to stand for election in 2010, at the same time he himself will be running for re-election (as will be New York's other U.S. senator, Charles Schumer). Oh, and Saturday Night Live decided to portray him as a bumbling, clueless, coke-snorting doofus. Between budget cuts, tax and fee increases and those pesky senate-seat seekers, it seems as though everyone in the state with any connection to government wants a few words with him. Poor guy. Paterson is in need of those high-tech noise-canceling headphones, stat! If he can't make those harassing him go away, maybe the headphones can at least help him tune them out. The way he has handled his new role with humor (his condemnation of the SNL sketch was an exception, not the rule) and a practical approach to the state's problems, he has earned my respect. That's all well and good, but I'm sure he'd rather have the headphones.
To the executives at financial institutions that took U.S. bailout funds but still paid themselves hefty year-end bonuses: Reinforced athletic supporters (regardless of gender). The size and density of the steel balls it took to lead a company to financial ruin, take money from the taxpayers, and then reward yourself with a bonus for your efforts must be massive. Without the proper support, I shudder to think what will happen to the streets and sidewalks of our nation.
To Al Franken: A Washington, D.C. apartment. For use, of course, when he serves his six-year term as Minnesota's junior U.S. senator. Hey, I can hope, right?
To Thomas Friedman and Paul Krugman: A Sunday morning television program. These two New York Times op-ed columnists have been cranking out consistently smart and to-the-point analyses of the current economic crisis. They would offer a relevant counterpoint to the usual partisan bickering of politicians on Meet the Press and This Week, and they certainly would blow away the bloviating of the George Wills, Cokie Robertses and Sam Donaldsons that run wild on Sunday mornings. Friedman's column today was exceptionally thought-provoking.
To the female contestants of every reality dating show on television: Gift certificates to high-end hair salons, tattoo removal centers and self-esteem seminars. Do I really have to explain?
To the network executives that program reality dating shows: DVDs of the reality shows they program. Have they actually watched these programs? I can't imagine they have.
To the viewers who watch reality dating shows: Lifetime access to the Girls Gone Wild series (for the men) or the Hallmark Channel and Lifetime (for the women), as well as subscriptions to The Nation. This way, the men can get their fill of watching pretty young girls get drunk and take their clothes off and the women can see an endless supply of sappy romance, all without taking up valuable space on the networks' schedules. And when the viewers are done, they can cleanse their brains (and souls) by reading important political reporting in The Nation. No? Oh well. It was worth a shot.
And to Barack Obama: A portable DVD player. This way, no matter the time or place, he can watch DVDs of his history-making year and, maybe for the first time, enjoy the ride, without worrying about the day-to-day stresses of running a campaign, a transition or a government. It will also remind the president-elect why a majority of the American people supported him, and what he promised to do (and not do) as president. Despite some complaints in some quarters, I think he has done an excellent job so far of staying true to his obligations (even though I'm really uncomfortable with Rick Warren's presence at the inauguration). The DVD player would be a good tool in making sure he continues the good work.
Happy holidays.
Sing 'em and weep!
The Secretary of State Girl (to, "The Little Drummer Boy")
Come they told me pa rum pum pum pum
The prez elect to see pa rum pum pum pum
He ran a perfect race pa rum pum pum pum
That's how he got my place grrrrrrrump-pa-pum pum, beat like a drum, feel like a crumb
But to honor him pa rum pum pum pum
Here I come.
Barack -- yoohoo! Pa rum pum pum pum
I somehow lost to you pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring pa rum pum pum pum
But if your phone should ring a ding-a-ling- dum, at 3 a. um, I'll up and come
Shall I work for you pa rum pum pum pum
Or just stay glum?
Barry nodded pa rum pum pum pum
Michelle and Rahm kept time pa rum pum pum pum
I'll do my best for you pa rum pum pum pum
I'll keep Bill dressed for you! Pa rum pum pum pum, he'll abstain from, anything dumb
Then he smiled at me and gave me my plum
Now he's my chum.
Christmas in Illinois (To, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas")
Buy yourself a senate seat for Christmas
Line forms to the right
I'll be taking bids for it all through the night.
Why not buy a senate seat for Christmas?
Be an effin' elf
Hurry up or I may take the seat myself!
Once again here Illinois
We are good old boys for sure
Stealing things that are near to us
And insisting that we're pure
Who's that fella standing on my doorstep?
Hope his check's a wow.
Hey what's with the handcuffs? Don't you dare touch -- ow!
So much for my merry little Christmas now.
The Recession Song (to, "It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas")
It's beginning to look at lot like Doomsday
Everywhere you go
Take a look in at Citibank
As sad as a moldy frank
Without a handout it to Hell would go.
It's beginning to look at a lot like Doomsday
Bailouts by the score
But the saddest of sights to see
Is the sight of Detroit's big three
At the alms house door.
A pair of hopalong boots and a whole lotta loot
Is the wish of a squished GM
Cars that can fly and we'd actually buy
Is the hope of the other men
And mom and dad can hardly wait to own a home again.
It's beginning to look a lot Doomsday
Everywhere you go
Circuit City went to the chair
So did Lehman and Levitz and Bear
So much for each one's brilliant CEO.
It's beginning to look at lot like Doomsday
Gone prosperity!
But look on the side that's bright
If you're cold after Christmas night
You can burn the tree.
Regular Joe the Plumber (To "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")
Regular Joe the Plumber
Had a giant pail of woes
He didn't have a license
Didn't pay the tax he owes.
All of the other plumbers
Used to get more work than he
Regular Joe the Plumber
Longed to join the bourgeoisie
Then one wacky campaign night
John M. came to say:
Joseph you're so middle class
Won't you come and save my... election hopes.
Then all the talk shows loved him
As they shouted out with glee
Regular Joe's a footnote
In our country's history!
He's a blip in his-tor-y!
Away in a Hotel (to "Greensleeves")
"Whose child is this?" John Edwards asks
As he in unwanted spotlight basks
He's not the prez, he's not the veep
He is just a philandering, two-timing creep.
This, this ex-candidate
Who seemed so bright and seemed to care
He's left with a wrathful mate
And a lot of expensive if good-looking hair.
A-Rod's Kabbalah Holiday (To, "I Have A Little Dreidel")
I have a little dreidel
I don't know how to play
I tried to ask Madonna
She said, "Shut up and pray."
Oh dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
I don't know what to do
I traded good ol' Santa
For chocolate coins and you.
Words From Santa to Hannah Montana (to, "Oh Christmas Tree")
Oh Miley C., oh Miley C.
How are thy photos tarty
You took those pix
With Leibovitz
Who told you they'd be "arty."
She had you wear a smile and flirt
Too bad she skipped a bra and shirt
Oh Miley C., be not Britney!
Please wear your pants to party.
Feliz Brangelina (To, "Feliz Navidad")
Angelina had
Angelina had
Angelina had another baby or two with Brad
I wanna wish them a lot more kiddies
That they have in a lot more cities
Cities filling with itty bitty
Brangelina spawn.
Lskenazy@yahoo.com
Lenore Skenazy is co-author of The Dysfunctional Family Christmas Songbook (Broadway Books). For more Skenazy carols go to Reader's Digest.
Sarah Palin, on hearing of Governor Blagojevich's recent alleged bribe-seeking troubles, has offered herself up on the political platter to govern Illinois as a sign of friendship, emphasizing that she "only needs to find out also where it is."
"Besides," she said, "we could use that million from Candidate #5 to buy me some rockin' new duds. How else can we you know unify our country better than by sharing our intellect?" asked Alaska's governor, who added, "and I can, by golly, give Mr. and Mrs. B a shout out as to, you know, speak proper without using bad words there."
Governor Palin then illustrated a few of the similarities in governing Alaska and Illinois. "We you know are all the same in politics only up here in Alaska, we don't get caught so much as Illinoisites are also having snow. One time when Alaska was free, we gave what for to the states down there and Illinoisites are doin' the same thing to keep from getting' to be part of the U.S. and havin' to have work and unions and, erm ... " She boasted, "Me and Rod use the same stylist as also hairs Donald Trump."
In response to a question from an anonymous reporter working for an unidentified newspaper who asked, "What would you do about appointing a senator to take the place of President-elect Obama?" the governor of Alaska gave an eye-popping smile.
"For sure I'd appoint myself also to do the job there and you know overturn a few laws that are kinda not good for having lots of babies. And I'd pick my own hubby here for Supreme Court Dude. Then the Republican Party wouldn't have to buy him more clothes also on accounta that cool black robe thingie."
When asked why she thought her once-popular administration would get her a dual-governorship, Palin replied, "When you think of all the starvin' people over there in foreign lands like Illinois, a look at me in pretty clothes would give them hope and also not feel guilty about over population and other things like Joe the Plumber talks about when he sells books. I have a book also and foreigners might you know sort of caring people like me can wear pretty things and also, erm, comin' or goin', ya know?"
If true that Chicagoans think they couldn't be any worse off politicianwise, it's entirely possible that Governor Palin's experience would be a step up. In her own words, "We'd be just real good rulers cuz whether it's wildlife or sports or games, we sure know how to get us some Cubs."
This blog post has not been written by Steven Clemons or any member of Huffington Post or The Washington Note team. It is written by someone who really does deserve a very top spot in Obama Land but is sitting pensively waiting for a call while trying to pretend he/she is not.
Waiting for the Call. . .
I can't tell you who I am. Like you, I'm hoping to get a political appointment in the Obama administration. I'm trying to project the aloof and elite appearance of a soon-to-be-announced Schedule C.
But the truth is, I'm just like you. I toiled in the opposition for 8 years. I supported Barack Obama. And I'm now officially desperate to get a plum job in the administration. So, like you, I wait for that long-lost important contact make "the call" and offer me the job of my dreams.
But until then, I wait in a state of suspended ambition. I too have the dreams featuring, in no apparent order, Vice President Elect Joe Biden, Secretary of State-designate Hilary Clinton and, yes, even the man himself, President-Elect Obama.
Sometimes in these dreams they offer me a job, and sometimes they say they can't offer me a job because they can't find my resume amidst the other 300,000 on www.change.gov. I wake in a cold sweat.
Like you, I keep a secret "A list" of positions I would kill for, including all manner of ambassador slots, sub-secretary -ships and senior director positions.
I have my secret "B list" of fall back positions I would also kill for, including senior advisor, special assistant, and even the Deputy Assistant Secretary-ship. Of course, I tell almost no one about these lists.
If people saw the B list, that might reduce my chances of getting an A list job. And if they saw the A list, people might think I was too arrogant, too demanding, and too self-delusional to serve in the administration. It takes a lot of skill to project A-list, aspire to B-list, and secretly wonder if you're on any list at all.
Like you, I have started to act like a person in the know. I never mention except to my closest friends that no one from the transition team has called me. When anyone mentions the transition in conversation, I nod silently and knowingly. I start every sentence about politics by saying "I am not officially part of the transition but . . . ."
I have avoided my usual press calls, fearful that the wrong quote will kill my chances at any position on the A or B lists, and hopeful that people remember my past appearances on CNN.
I read the lists of names on the transition teams, making mental notes of people I know well, people I pretend to know well, and the dreaded category of people I wish I had made the effort to know well before they were on the transition team. I check to make sure I have all of their e-mail addresses and send them a note congratulating them and offering to do anything I can to help.
A good day for me is when I resist the urge to e-mail the same 5 people I do know on the transition team again, congratulating them and offering to do anything I can to help.
Like you, I am getting phone calls from people even less connected and in the know than I am. I try to offer them advice, without being too obvious about my lack of connections and without being too obvious when I discourage them from going after any of the positions I want. "Perhaps the Hill would be a good place to look" I tell them. "There are sure to be lots of good jobs there (that I don't want)."
Like you, I am convinced that everyone I know in Washington is in the know about the transition and is being considered for some great job I would be great at. I am shocked when I find out that they too are not getting any phone calls and are as filled with angst and self-doubt as I am.
Why aren't we getting the call? Why did I do all of that volunteer work on the campaign? What did I do wrong? How can they treat me this way? Most importantly, don't they know who I am? (Literally?)
Of course, it should come as no surprise that there are many people in the same boat. We moved to Washington to serve our country, and now is our time.
And while some of our transition angst is driven by ego, the overriding impulse is a desire to serve our country at a time of great challenges . . . . oh wait, that's my phone. Gotta run.
-- Anonymous
Anonymous is a highly accomplished policy veteran in Washington who is clearly on the edge while waiting for that call. . .
