Wesley Snipes to Feds: "Always Bet on Black!"

Washington, DC- The U.S. Attorney's office filed a motion demanding that Wesley Snipes surrender himself to police custody. The 45-year-old star of Blade and Passenger 57 was found guilty of tax evasion and sentenced to three years in jail by an Ocala, Florida court in April.  

"You can't stop a man who will stop at nothing," said Snipes, speaking from a cell phone with a scrambled signal. "You ever play roulette? Let me give you a word of advice. Always bet on black!"

"This summer, the final hunt begins," said Steve Cole, spokesman for the U.S. Attorney's Office. "In a race against time, Snipes must expect the unexpected."

Snipes currently owes the IRS over 12 million dollars in taxes, but remains unapologetic for his financial indiscretions: "I'm an actor with a bad mouth, a bad attitude, and a bad record of paying taxes. For the U.S. Attorney's Office, I'm bad news."

"He's a new breed of criminal," said Florida's District Judge William Terrell Hodges, who sentenced the Money Train star to jail. "In a world where justice is hard to come by, Wesley Snipes changes all the rules."

Though the federal government does not consider Snipes a flight risk, his capture has become a top priority. "The future isn't big enough for us both" said Cole, slamming a warrant for Snipes' arrest on his desk. "Damn, I'm getting too old for this shi--."

"The Federal Government has finally met its match," said Snipes, sneaking into the shadows of a darkened alley. "I have the power of an immortal… The soul of a human… The heart of a hero."