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Hey Lauren –
I need to talk to you. I’m just wondering what happened to you. You’re reading what’s probably your twelfth online article about Heidi and Spencer eloping. You’re constantly talking about the Hills, asking questions to people who don’t give a shit – Is it real? Is it valid? Will it last? Was it just for MTV? What does Heidi’s mom think? Remember what Heidi looked like before all the plastic surgery?

The real question is – why do you care? When did you turn into a pop culture obsessed, loafer consumed by tabloid magazines and sites with names like “celebitchy” and “dlisted”? You used to read Eckhart Tolle, study lucid dreaming techniques, and you were learning Portuguese for a now canceled trip for the Angels Needed Charity Network. For a fucking reality show?

You’re obsessed. And you don’t even like these people. Especially Spencer. I can tell because every time you’re looking at a picture of him, your adrenalin starts pumping and your voice gets strangely high, almost childlike and you squeal, “He is so mean! Why is Heidi still with him?!” You used the term Speidi this morning. At work. In a room full of male writers. You almost got punched in the face.

It’s time I called you on it. You need to stop reading gossip. You need to stop sneaking second and third helpings of ice cream at two am while you wait for “The Hills After Show” to load. You need to take a shower and call your mother. This is urgent because The City, The Hills spin-off, starts December 29th. Stay away. Make some friends. Get a life.

Sincerely,
Yourself