99 CENT STORES RAISE PRICES, CUSTOMERS CAN'T HANDLE IT

Pomonoa, CA - 99 Cents Only Stores will increase prices for the first time after suffering losses in due to soaring inflation and higher costs. The increase will cost customers .99 of a cent. Yes, that’s almost one whole penny. Loyal customers seem more confused by the increase than worried about their wallets.

Joel Harley, a part-time stock boy at a local electronics store, wondered how he would pay for his future purchases, “So if I get a bag of Doreetos, three cans of Camp Ballsy Chicken Noodle Soup and one tiny plastic chair that will cost $4.9995? How exactly do I pay for that? I’m confused. Forget it. I’ll just eat that brown thing that’s been in my fridge since June.”

“Is the store going to add up how many hundredths of a penny they owe me and send me a check at the end of the month?” asked Marie Nerlenger. “If I spend $100, the store owes me a penny. When will I get my penny? I said, ‘When will I get my penny?!’” Nerlenger then walked away from our interview and repeatedly asked herself that question while circling the parking lot.

99 Cent Store employee, Reggie Montane assured us that Marie does that every morning. “Oh, that crazy lady that talks to herself? She lives in the parking lot. One time, she came in and tried to use old tissues and used chewing gum to pay for new tissues and chewing gum. We get a lot of crazies. This new price thing is gonna suck.”

Thomas Schifflin, manager of the Richmond, CA store, is worried about communicating with his valued customers. “Do you know how many times I get asked how much something is? Constantly. IT’S 99 CENTS, MOTHER F----RS! Now I have to say 99.99 cents? There’s no way people are gonna understand that.”