With TIFF 13 wrapping up and award season set to begin, movie fans everywhere are wondering what’s knew with ScarJo. Now Pitch This! along with Google, have created the Scarlett Johansson: A Google Search Guide.
NO WOMAN IS THE ISLAND: ScarJo is a celebrity global ambassador for the development agency, Oxfam. In other words she helps select the African children for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s entourage. Wham-o! But seriously, folks, if there’s one thing ScarJo likes to do it’s endorse other people to do her dirty work. She’s a major supporter of gay marriage, Barack Obama, and campaigned for Skull and Bones alumnae John Kerry back in 2004. Pitch This! has learned that she even supports Kerry’s US-led attack on Syria. After all, Scarlett knows first hand what it’s like to drop bombs on innocent civilians…er, we mean moviegoers.
TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN: ScarJo says she didn’t consider herself a real actress until first working under Woody Allen. And if there’s anyone who knows how to mold a young girl to fulfill all his auteur desires, it’s Mr. Annie Hall. In fact, the old pervert was so nervous around Scarlett he told interviewers, “He couldn’t be funny.” Uhm, right, so what’s his excuse for the last 40 years? Hi-Ho!!!! We digress, though, because ScarJo takes acting very seriously and makes sure she learns all her dialogue and boob-bounce-ass-shot choreography months before filming.
ONE BONE…ER, WE MEAN BIRD IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH and that’s exactly what ScarJo keeps in mind when riding the pine of Hollywood’s leading men. From Jude Law to Sean Penn and even taco-muncher Benicio Del Toro (it’s a margarita thang), Johansson gets more cock-a-doodle-doo than a hipster’s backyard chicken coop. And so she should, confesses Pitch This! Hollyweird insider, Clammy J Byner. “She has to make up for all those typecast roles.”
IT WAS THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRLS PICS HONEST: ScarJo rejects the nickname ScarJo, telling reporters it’s “awful.” But that didn’t stop Florida Hacker Christopher Chaney from figuring out it was actually her email password. That’s right, Internet sleuths, when Chaney typed ScarJo into Johansson’s Yahoo account he was rewarded with hundreds of naked photos the starlet had sent to, then-hubby, Ryan “I Want My 90-minutes Back” Reynolds. Unfortunately for Chaney his hacking and whacking days ended when the FBI got wind of his exploits and shipped him off to the big house. Don’t bend for the soap, Chaney, unless, of course, you’re showering with Reynolds! BAM, BAM!!!
STARS – THEY’RE JUST LIKE US! Except much better looking with more money and their iPhones receive Harvey Weinstein’s x-rated Snapchats. Okay, that’s just disgusting.
PITCH THIS! TIFF WITH TIFF: Preliminary reports suggest star power was down at TIFF 13, but like an old case of herpes ScarJo made a point of showing up in the most unexpected places. Whether it was out in full-force promoting Champagne, Calvin Klein, or L’Oreal, Scarlett would probably promote Aciclovir if they paid her enough. It’s all about character – right Scar-Scar!
WHAT A SCOOP! Sexy Scarlett is no stranger to the written word, having been profiled and interviewed in hundreds of magazines over the years. But this unassuming girl-next-door (if you live in the Hollywood Hills and have a dump truck full of money) type, is a stranger to pants and tops which seem to magically disappear when ever she is interviewed for a magazine…or the photographer is friends with whoever the hot shot casting agent in town is that week. Am I right, folks?
TIT FOR TAT: Scarlett’s body of work is impressive – just ask any healthy male. They’ll confirm that whether their tattooed dream girl is running around in a tight outfit in The Avengers or taking it all off in The Other Boleyn Girl or even getting-it-on with the old groundhog himself, Sir Bill Murray, they’re more busy spanking the monkey than following the plot.