Sometimes the marketing department for a video game company gets the box art seriously wrong, and we end up with abominations like these.
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Imagine Party Babies
If you actually imagine party babies, an alarm is tripped and the police will be at your door within the hour. Go on. Try it.
This game is flagrant false advertising. I wanted to irritate people with my stick, preferably with the power-up of a pointed stick. This game offered none of that.
Jackie Chan Stuntmaster
I know what this cover image is trying to portray, but it seems to me that we've just interrupted Mr. Chan during an extremely intimate moment with that pool cue, lying suggestively on a rug adorned with a city skyline.
Ignoring their cold, dead polar express eyes, why the hell is everyone in the waiting room so totally stoked that their pet is ill? They look way too happy. Creepy doesn't begin to describe it.
Rafa Nadal Tennis
Publicity shots taken mid-coitus shouldn't be used as a video game cover. Ever wondered what Nadal would look like busting a nut? Well, wonder no longer.
Snazzy purple pantaloons? Check. Sword that in no way resembles that which is displayed in the frigging logo? Check. Human soldiers inexplicably drawn as rejects from 'Planet of the apes'? Check. Frustrated Sci-Fi novel art reused as a video game cover? Check.
Ol' DigDug pumps up creatures with his groin-attaching penis pump. Visceral scenes of the effects of over inflating one's dingus abound. And this game was for kids?
Stallone's tiny shorts slowly creeping up his buttcrack were the most aesthetically pleasing aspects of this chode-load of a game.
Why aren't any of them looking at the actual game that's being played? Just what is that photographer doing?
Mary-Kate and Ashley: Crush Course
This just confirms the existence of Satan. End of days is coming. Break out your Slayer CD's. Extra points for including laxative powerups as yummy skinny-candy.
Seaman and his trusty sidekick Swallow plumb the swampy depths of... Ahh, screw it. Seaman... Heh-Heh.
This is a classic. Burt Reynolds in a Tron suit seemed to be the most logical image Capcom could use for the cover. MegaMan fans cry in the shower about it to this day.
Dramatic re-enactment of the marketing meeting:
Capcom Marketing Guy: Hey, I need you to whip up some box artwork for a new state-of-the-art high-resolution Game Pak weâve got. Itâs called Mega Man.
Artist: Whatâs it about?
Capcom Marketing Guy: Beats me, some guy whoâs like ... this man with ... mega powers, I guess. Heâs like Superman I think, but he wears blue armor and has this arm cannon thing.
Artist: OK, well, Iâll just draw a picture of a syphilitic old man wearing blue and yellow armor because I really like the color yellow. Also, instead of armor, Iâll just give him a futuristic t-shirt with extra long sleeves that bunch up near the shoulders and elbows. I donât know what an "arm cannon" is, so Iâll just give him a ray gun pistol and have him hold it at this really awkward angle. Oh, and Iâll put this white burst of light behind his prominently exposed crotch and have him standing in a field of giant colored contact lensesâ¦
Capcom Marketing Guy: (interrupting) Yeah sure, do all that, and add like a futuristic Tron Tic-Tac-Toe thing in the background while youâre at it. OK, gotta go to my private yacht and snort coaine off the boners of 12 year old Thai boys! Bye!
What's a good way to entice kids to buy a videogame about golf? What was that? Add Ninjas? Johnson, you're fucking promoted!
Tony Hawks: Spandex failed to sell as well as previous iterations in the series. Maybe it was his clearly visible but unimpressive bulge.
Deliverance 2: Duelling space banjoes. Squeal like a Moon-Piggy!
Mario, with his minging mullet and a superhero suit, gets ready to hammerfuck a rabid Donkey Kong's face. A whole clusterfuck of awesomeness ensues. I particularly love how it's based on the "Real" arcade game, cause everyone knows that fake video game ports just don't cut it.
World War Three
Monica Lewinsky has been cropped out of this picture, but I have it on good authority that she was performing an act known as "Rowing the boat."
Looking like something airbrushed onto the side of some dude name Garth's rapevan, Stormlord's looking a tad haggard for a viking warrior, his rolls of flab only slightly resembling a sixpack. Also, extra points for the incredibly tiny woman clinging to his leg. Is she a dwarf? Does she have a congenital heart defect and a life expectancy of seven years? Most definitely.
That guy is finding it hard to contain the tidal wave of chode building up in his nads at the sight of the legendary X-man. Yeah, we've all been there before. Thailand does strange things to a man...
This just looks like an album cover by "Manowar". All greased up, steroid shrivelled walnut sized testicles tucked behind his loincloth, feathered Eighties hair flowing, this barbarian just oozes sexuality, and if that doesn't entice you, he'll take you by force. For that is the barbarian way.
Yo! You stepping on our turf? This is the East-17 posse's turf right here, homeboy! Happy pants! Mc Hammer! Sega Genesis!
Now with simultaneous two-player action! Electric dynamite!
Ninja Scooter Simulator
I seriously want to play this. What the fuck could it be about? For realsies? Are Ninja's known for their scooter riding prowess? Do Samurai's skateboard? No wonder they were rivals... I'm glad that a simulator exists for this, who has the time nowdays to put on a Ninja suit and ride their scooter around the house? Nobody, that's who.
Dudes with Attitude
A sunburnt giant pirate cackles maniacally as he perves on a bodacious 90's flat-topped lemon excavating buried treasure with a punk breath mint. Best plot ever?
I think the protagonist of this game is someone who checks sex offender registries. If not, they should be. Uncle Slippy-Fist and little Bobby seem to be having an innuendo laden "good time". That smug grin indicates that a little surprise is about to pop up through the bottom of the board.
"Oh, Checkers comes with a joystick now?"
"That's right Bobby, now try and get the top score!"
Winning Post 3
Samara from 'The Ring' quadrupled in size and kept her horses on leashes in a little seen deleted scene. This image of visual eyerape will squirm into your brain like an insidious parasitic organism. Note Tiny Horse on the far right... I've got no beef with him. He's cool with me.
? Raped in front of a train 2 - Electric Boogaloo?
Thomas the Tank Engine happened upon a scene of unimaginable homoerotic horror that remained indelibly inked on his Psyche forevermore.
Tongue of the Fatman
Euphemistic sexual undertones of the fatman's tongue aside, how uncomfortable would those marbles wedged up this pre-op transexual's nostrils be? He/She went to modelling academy for this?
More like Failpirates. Plundering space booty. Getting space scurvy. Sexually assaulting space wenches with space parrots on your shoulders. Ah, the life of a space pirate.
After the atrocity that was the cover of the first MegaMan, Capcom's marketing team finally got it right this time. Wait a minute, what? What the fuck is this shit? Dildo hand climbs a mountain?
If I took copious amounts of LSD and went to a Salvador dali exhibit, I still wouldn't see anything as surreal as this Mexican DK cover.
Lee Trevino's Fighting Golf
Despite not featuring any actual fighting, and very little golf, and not knowing who the fuck Lee Trevino actually is, what gets me the most is the endorsement. Why would anyone care that it was endorsed by the US National Video game team?
Bad Dudes. They're bad, and they are also dudes.
On a side note, a dude is another name for a camel's penis. You're welcome.
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