20 amazingly funny news clippings retrieved from the dankest corners of the media cesspool...
395 Funny Votes
27 Die Votes
19,054 Views
Published: August 30, 2011

I gave up on reading the news a long time ago. I was so sick of being constantly assaulted with the harsh realities of life that I retreated into my own little world where 'Ghostbusters' and 'The Monster Squad' play all day on repeat and the soundtrack of my life is comprised solely by the lyrical Manna from Heaven that is Devastatin' Dave, The Turntable Slave. (Pictured above) Seriously. The. Man. Is. A. Musical. Jesus. However, lately I've been feeling a renewed desire to reconnect with the world, so I've decided to break into my asshole neighbour's house on a daily basis whilst they're away at work and leave them a surprise in the form of an upper decker; that is, the act of pooping into their cistern tank so that each time they flush, they're using my dookie water. As I like to read while I poop, and the only thing resembling literature in my cockhole neighbour's house is the newspaper, I've been finding myself forced to flick through the' daily issued monochrome compendium of things that don't affect me personally', only really finding enjoyment in scanning the obituaries to see which people from my high school I have outlived (Surprisingly, only 12) and the comedic stylings of Marmaduke. On a few of these mornings when I've been awkwardly hate-pooping, I've come across some pretty amusing news clippings, which I've compiled here for your entertainment. Enjoy! Unless you're from Bayside High School, in which case you can go and fuck a housefire. Follow Sean on TWITTER.

1.0

Via

2.0

Via

3.0

Via

4.0

Via

5.0

Via

6.0

Via

7.0

Via

8.0

Via

9.0

Via

10.0

Via

11.0

Via

12.0

Via

13.0

Via

14.0

Via

15.0

Via

16.0

Via

17.0

Via

18.0

Via

19.0

Via

20.0

Via
Advertisement
Advertisement
Dips 300x250