I gave up on reading the news a long time ago. I was so sick of being constantly assaulted with the harsh realities of life that I retreated into my own little world where 'Ghostbusters' and 'The Monster Squad' play all day on repeat and the soundtrack of my life is comprised solely by the lyrical Manna from Heaven that is Devastatin' Dave, The Turntable Slave. (Pictured above)
Seriously. The. Man. Is. A. Musical. Jesus.
However, lately I've been feeling a renewed desire to reconnect with the world, so I've decided to break into my asshole neighbour's house on a daily basis whilst they're away at work and leave them a surprise in the form of an upper decker; that is, the act of pooping into their cistern tank so that each time they flush, they're using my dookie water.
As I like to read while I poop, and the only thing resembling literature in my cockhole neighbour's house is the newspaper, I've been finding myself forced to flick through the' daily issuedmonochrome compendium of things that don't affect me personally', only really finding enjoyment in scanning the obituaries to see which people from my high school I have outlived (Surprisingly, only 12) and the comedic stylings of Marmaduke.
On a few of these mornings when I've been awkwardly hate-pooping, I've come across some pretty amusing news clippings, which I've compiled here for your entertainment.
Unless you're from Bayside High School, in which case you cango and fuck a housefire.
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