After the candyman of the clouds had been tightly tucked into bed, several luscious lashes fell into a touristâs eye. These irritated him very much so. âWhy must this happen to me now?â asked the tourist, âI need to get an extension for my visa today otherwise my arrest and legal proceedings will be turned into televisual entertainment!â What would usually appear to be an incentive to appear on television in most other peoplesâs's's's's's' case was not so with the extremely camera-shy tourist since the operation to alleviate his blushing cheeks went horribly wrong several years ago. âPerish the thought!â, the lad said aloud to himself, and immediately ceased trembling.
In spite of not being able to see where he was going, the tourist, much like the logo for a particular kind of alcoholic beverage, kept on walking.A hand saturated in tears, irreversible eyeball damage and 5 hours later, the candyman of the clouds decided to suckle upon some aniseed to cleanse his palate after a microwaved meal of lamb rogan josh. The awakening gently blew the loose lashes out of his eye and the tourist revelled in sweet relief whilst ameliorating his swollen socket with cherry lip balm.
After gaining some of his sight back, a plastic house appeared. Hoping that they had their utilities bill paid up to date, he toddled towards it planning to charge his electronic astrolabe and compass in order to find his way home beneath the canopy of the heavens.
It was out of this perfectly plausible circumstance that what you are about see occurred.Viewer discretion is advised.
LadyBaby- I probably should have asked you this before, Baby, but did you use aâ¦
Baby - Baby;
I'm all rubber.
B- That will be my cousin, he told me that he would be coming straight from the maternity ward. Donât ask me how I gave him directions.
Push head first, baby. Goodness, Iâd better get dressed.
Push! Come on, push!
I can see your head!
Donât go too fast, youâll set off the speed camera.
What did I tell you? You donât listen do you?
Thereâs no use crying about it now, is there? There there, youâre a big boy now, arenât you?
B- Good morrow, baby! How is it that you are? Who are you wearing?BabyCousin- How now, baby! How wonderful to finally see you. My throatâs a bit sore, but apart from that I canât communicate complaint with language, so thereâs no use complaining. Oh, and my bonnet was made by âCuttingupapillowcaseâ, the nappy was made by âUsingabandageâand the safety pin was made by my friend, Tracey Hirst. Please check out her website, she makes the most exquisite accoutrements which are functional and fashionable for any occasion.B- Thatâs wonderful! Good luck with the nominations. Please, have a seat.
BC- Say Baby, whoâs this young lady? Such a symmetrical face deserves an explanation. What an alluring philtrum she possesses.B- Oh, thatâs ladybaby Suzy, we were just having a cigarette. Suzy, this is my cousin I was telling you about.
LB-lovely to meet you, baby, but I must be off, my parents are expecting. Goodbye.
LB- Oh dear, how clumsy of me.B- Suzy, how could you do this to me! Why would you lie about things that are as important to me as those? Get out, I never want to see you again. Tempting me with your false pretensions! Oh, the humiliation!LB- But, baby, I thought youâd love me more. I only did this to get your mature connoisseur attention. Shame on you for thinking that I had big naturals. I should have listened to my playmates, but I was convinced you were the one.
LB- [faint sobs]BC- Iâm sorry, baby, I must have come at an unsavoury hour. You must want to reconcile your relationship with LadyBaby Suzy. Iâd better be goâ¦
B- Shhhh. There there, donât be foolish, baby. She lied to me, itâs her own fault. Youâre here now, and weâre going to have the time of our lives, and i owe it all to you.
Let us commence with some tea.
Let us pray.
B- what did you wish for?BC- world peace.B- milk?BC- no thank you, I bought my own.
B- Why baby, what a stupendous milk reservoir device! Where did you get it? That is, only if you donât mind me asking.BC- I donât mind at all, I got it from a hardware shop, but any good hardware store should have it in stock. It is very good, isnât it?- yes, it is. I have seen a few babies sporting it out and about, but I was too afraid to ask them. Some of those babies can be mighty precious of their property, especially in this age of capitalism. How much can it hold?- well, I only ever put it up to the 80% mark, and thatâs enough for me during the day, but it can go up to 5 litres.- why, I would have thought its capacity would have been a lot smaller than that. is it easy to clean?- sure! All you have to do is soak it in bleach overnight, let it drip-dry for a couple of days and itâs ready to go. Awfully convenient, isnât it?- awfully indeed! I wonder how much it would cost to buy. I was thinking of getting one for a friend. I also wonder if it could be gift-wrapped at no extra charge.- ok
B- sugar?BC- oh, yes please.- I think I only have brown sugar at the moment. Is that ok?- you mean âbrown sugarâ?- yes, âbrown sugarâ. Iâm sorry I donât have anything else.- no problem, Iâll get myself sorted.- ok, wonât be a minute
B- good grief, what are you doing?BC- Sorry, I thought you meant...
B- watch out, your milks going off.
BC- thanks for thatB- no problem- youâre welcome- have a great day- thanks, you too- see you again- bye for now- godspeed- god bless- gesundheit
B-so I was talking to baby Allan the other dayBC-oh yes, what has he got to say for himself?- well he was talking about getting life insurance, just incase his whooping cough doesnât clear up.- and what did you say?- I told him that I think itâs a swell idea
B- by the burning bush of moses!
B- ladybaby Suzy? Is that you?LB- yes, of course itâs me silly.- what happened to your skin?
LB- I got a tan. Itâs a subtle bronze. B- Do you mean caramel-faced minstrel singer subtle bronze?- you and your jibes, turkey! It makes me look more exotic! The next time we make love, it will feel like youâre making love to a pineapple or a bottle of coconut water. So... do you love me now?
[aside] Where is love? Oh no Iâm melting. Hold back the tears, Suzy. You promised your tan you wouldnât cry. Stay strong.
I can see Iâm not wanted here. Iâm sorry for even trying. All I wanted you to do was love me for who I am, and you donât have the ability to do that.
BC- Do you like card tricks?B- Do all African babies have AIDS?- I think you mean HIV, and thatâs not true.- I think youâll find it is.- no, I donât think you know what youâre talking about. Do you even know what AIDS is an acronym for?- I donât know much, but I know what I like, and I like card tricks.- ok, let me just give them a quick shuffle.
BC- now, is it true that we have never met before or planned anything beforehand through subtle gesticulations, facial, and/or eye movements so help me god?B- that is correct.- ok, pick a card, any card.
Now once youâve picked that card, do not show me what it is, just repeat it to yourself over and over again in your squishy little head.Remember that card and pop it back in the deck anywhere you like.Now make sure youâre sitting down with your head in a box made of lead casing, because this is either going to blow your mind or give you a brain tumour.
BC- Is this your card?B- i donât think so.- donât think or wonât think?- umâ¦ no, that definitely wasnât my card. Nice try though. It certainly got me thinking as to how you did it. How did you do it?
BC- Iâm afraid my duty as the entertaining guest has been unfruitful. Could I try standing up instead?B- sure.
BC- Hey, how you guys doinâ tonight?Audience- Woooooh.- Yeah right on! Itâs great to be back here in the nursery, cause last week, actually, is there anyone in from the daycare centre?A- [a few yeahs]- I bet youâre glad to be here then, cause that place is horrible.- HAHAHAHAHAHA-Iâm not even joking when I say this, the last time I was there the toys didnât even work properly! All the batteries were leaking out the back of the back of the toys and, get this, some kids were nibbling on them! So I was like, âhey man, you shouldnât be eating that stuff, that shitâs poisonousâ, and they were like, âit tastes better than my motherâs breast milkâ.- HAHAHAHAHAHANow, what else has been happening? Uh, is there anyone in without parents, any orphans orâ¦.? Yes you, sir? I thought you looked like a late-term abortion.- WOAAAH- Easy now, just a joke. Ok, show of hands, who here loves their mother? All of you? Well Iâm not too fond of mine after what happened last night.- WHAT HAPPENED?- Jesus, Iâll tell you, give me a fucking break. - HAHAHAH- Alright, so last night, I was pretending to be asleep, right? And my mom comes in, and Iâm thinking, âshe wonât risk waking me up by changing me, sheâs got work tomorrow morning, she needs to sleepâ. And what does she do? She grabs me up under my arms, changes my diaper and puts me into a onesie for bed. Now, Iâm not sure about you guys, but I fucking hate onesies.- HAHAHAHAHA, TELL IT LIKE IT IS, BABY!
- This guy knows what Iâm talking about! So what do I do in retaliation? I urinate in it right in front of her. Now, Iâm not talking about a regular sprinkle of yellow rain, Iâm talking of a yellow tsunami.- HAHAHAHAHAHAH- I pissed inside my onesie so much that it was up to my chubby knees. I was wading in my onsesie!- HAHAHAHHA- Then she said that it was time for bed, and I was like, âno one tells me what to do!â, and so I did a handstand and made sure she could see I was covered in it and that the rest of my onesie was soaked. âYou see this mother? Huh? You see that? Change me now!â. She didnât see it, and so I spent the whole night chafing to death in a cold and itchy onesie. Sure it was warm at first, but after that, I can tell you itâs no fun at all.- AWWW- Anyway, iâve decided that Iâm gonna start calling onesies, âwonât-seysâ, because I sure as hell WONâT be getting into another one of those things in a hurry.- HAHAHAHHA
- Man, you guys are great. Hello sir? Or is it maâam? Sir! Iâm not sure if all of you can see this guy, but heâs wearing pink. Buddy, thatâs going to mess you up later on in life.- HAHHAHAAHAH- Babies and babymen, lately Iâve been thinking about getting older. And I do not like it one bit. Mainly because of the food on the kids menu is always the same thing. you got deepfried this, deepfried that, you know? Screw that. Iâd rather theyâd give me any kind of puree over that shit any day of the week.- WOOO, YEAH
- Anyone here from a low socio-economic background with a single mother? Yes, you maâam?- YEAH- Maybe you can relate to this. You know, my motherâs so poor that she can only afford second-hand pacifiers.- OOOH HA HA HA- Thatâs why now, I use my thumb. At least I know where thatâs been.- HAHAHA- Speaking of nipples, Iâm my Motherâs 8th child.- OOOH- Yeah. I donât breastfeed, I just chew on her leathery nipples hoping something will come out.- HAHAHHAAHA- Am I right, last-born catholics?- OH MERCY, ITâS SO TRUE
- Iâll tell you something that scares me, you know those weird faced babies with foetal alcohol syndrome? Am I right? I look at them and Iâm likeâ¦Audience member- that isnât funny, I have FAS.- what do you want me to do about it? Itâs not my face thatâs fucked up. Itâs yours, bro.A -â¦GASP
- what? You guys think Iâm too soon out of the womb to be saying stuff like that? You know what, I tell it like it is and if one of those freaks comes up to me with a face that doesnât look right, then itâs MY responsibility to say what everyone else is too afraid to say.A- BOO, TOO BLUE, BOO, HISS- what are you talking about? itâs no more blue than cotdeathAh shit, I lost my balance.
Stop laughing! you try doing this at such an early age. I donât even use the potty yet, so fuck you. I hope you all die from SIDS, you ruddy-nosed motherfuckers.
BC- was it ok?B- it was great, baby! I was laughing the whole time.- yeah, youâre right. The audience mustnât have understood it.
SIP KNOCK-KNOCK KNOCK-KNOCKB-who on earth could that be at this hour? Wait, that was his special knock.
B- did you invite him?BC- invite who?- CrackBaby. that was his knock. Oh no, look! his feet!
BC- I donât know crackbaby, baby.B- thatâs probably a good thing, you should stay away from people like him, heâll ruin you, baby. now whatever you do, donât stare at his coathanger.
CrackBaby- HAAAAAAY GAITH!!!!!B- ugggh, what a horrible stereotype.CB- hope you donât mind me coming in the backdoor, itâs what I do!B- (sotto voce)pia mater, (aloud)what brings you here to grace us with your presence, crackbaby? Why donât you go back to where you came from?
CB- well, I was just in the vithinity and wath theeing if you gaith wanted anything. Whoâth thith gorgeouth young thang?B- crackbaby, baby, baby, crackbaby.CB- why hello thayer, baby! you gaith have the thame thurnames! Are you gaith related or thumthing?B- yes, weâre cousins. Our mothers are sisters.CB- well thath thimply delightful!B- i notice youâve still got the coathanger in there, I thought you were planning on getting it removed?CB- you know, I thought long and hard about it, and I finally dethided to keep it. Itâth part of who I am. Ath gaga would thay, I wath born thith way. Anyway, thatâth enough about me.
CB- you gaith need anything? Perhapth thome crack to get thith party thtarted!?B- well we werenât planning on getting anything, but, may I have a closer look.CB- thure, go right ahead!
B- now forgive me if Iâm wrong crackbaby,CB- youâre forgiven! How could I hold a grudge againtht thuch a loyal cuthtomer?!B- but your âcrackâ looks like it's rock salt coated in some vanilla essence to make it appear slightly off-colour.
CB-What are ya talkinâ about?!! I would never do thumthing like that to you gaith.
Maybe you gentlemen would prefer thumthing a bit different, yeah? Perhapth a little bit of the devilâth dandruff?
B- looks ok to me.CB- grayt! Good timeth gaiths. Tell you what, the first hitâth free!B- thereâs no need for that crackbaby, weâll pay for it now and have some later.
CB- donât be thilly, I inthitht! Here, Iâll put out three lynth for us.B- thatâs very nice of you crackbaby but I really mustnât, otherwise Iâll never finish my tea.CB- ok, Iâll have yourth. What about you, baby?BC- Iâll just taste a little bit to see if I like it.CB- thoot yourthelves, here I go.
CB- wooo, that thertainly hit the thpot. You like, baby?
BC- it tastes like talcum powder and baby laxatives.
CB- oh...mutht be off now gaith. Lovely meeting you, baby! yooth the tin can on a thtring outthide if you need anything! Buuuy gaith!
BC- what a pleasant young manB- Iâll only warn you once more, baby. CrackBaby is a troubled child.Whatâs that noise?
LB- oh no, I wanted this to be a surprise, but my cord fell down before I could.B- sorry, I donât think I know who you are. Do you need help? You look mighty injured.
LB- Ha, I know! I may look a little different, but I promise you itâs still me underneath!
B- Iâm afraid youâre going to have to help me, I still canât place your faceâ¦ Mum? Have you been reincarnated?! Oh, my oedipal desire has never been stronger!LB- itâs me LadyBaby Suzy! I thought it was time for a change so Iâm going for a more youthful look. Admittedly itâs straight out of a catalogue, the style is âmoist nâ freshâ. Do you like it? So do you love me now?B- Suzy?! Why did you do this? Were you dropped on your noggin?
LB- I thought you might be a little resistant to my new look, so I have something very important to tell you which may make you change your mind.
I'm pregnant and it's definitely yours.
LB- Look at what we made! Isnât it lovely?
B- Youâre right, Suzy, I've been a damn fool. It is lovely and I do love you.Audience- AwwwwwB- you look awfully tired. Why donât you go to sleep and weâll sign up our baby for the best private school education money can buy in the morning.LB- I knew I would sway you someway or another. My horoscope was right.B- off to sleep, ladybaby. Goodnight.
B- Baby, fetch me the safety scissors.
B- too slow, baby. next time when I ask for scissors I mean right now, not in a couple of aeons. A babyâs life is at risk. Get yourself together. Can you at least do that for me? Or is that too much to ask as well? Jewsus Christ, fucking kids these days.
BC- Iâm sorry baby, itâs just that Iâve got this really bad stomach ache and â¦B- good lord, baby! shut the fuck up, Iâm making an incision. If I wanted to know what was wrong with you, Iâd pull your pants down and ask you to cough.
Easy does it. Steady as she goes, there she goes again, racing through her brain.
B- hey, jackpot! Just as I thought. Not enough reds or greens, no wonder she was mental.BC- what do we do now, baby?B- Iâm afraid thereâs nothing we can do for her now, baby. Only time can heal this wound. But I happen to know he canât use a needle and thread or superglue. She's going home to Jewsus.
B- be a dear and put this baby near a corner, would you?
BC- how can you sit there so free of noise and disturbance, baby? Iâm still in shock.B- you need something to calm your nerves? Iâve got just the ticket!
BC- what is it?B- itâs umm, groundâ¦ groundâ¦ ground something, you know itâs on the tip of my tongue. You know that feeling like when youâre about to say something but you canât because you donât know what the name of the thing that youâre talking about is and then you have to explain to the other person why it is you canât say the thing that youâre thinking about until at some point later on in the day or in the conversation when something reminds you of the spelling of the word or the sound of the word or you look up the word online and then you finally get it, but then it's far too late but you say it out loud anyway and you chastise yourself for not being able to remember such a simple word so you sit reading through the dictionary for months trying to better yourself for the next encounter with a human being?
B- itâs ground, ground - and a little dash of this as well will make it taste a bit sweeter- groundâ¦ come on, it will come to me in a second.
B- ah ha! ground zero ashes! I knew it would come to me.BC- ground zero ashes? Havenât you got anything a bit fresher?B- there should be something in a few monthsâ¦ Hopefuâ¦ Ginseng?
BC- yes please! Thank you.
So how are your babies, baby?
Whose babies, baby?
Your babies, baby.
Oh, my babies, baby! Which baby, baby? Baby Babby or baby Bebby, baby?
Both of your babies, baby. Baby Babby and baby Bebby.
Oh! Both of my babies, baby Babby and baby Bebby are beginning to baby babble, baby.
Ah! But not all babies like your babies, baby Babby and baby Bebby, begin babbling so soon!
Youâre probably right, baby. What ever happened to your baby Bobby, baby?
i wish baby bobby was still bornâ¦ I mean, still alive. He used to be such a happy puppet.
B- Letâs watch the televisual entertainment system.
B- sheâs let herself go a bit, hasnât she?
BC- baby! Youâre sitting too far away and seeing her as being a big blurry image. Get a bit closer.
B- oh, thatâs better. What a jolly dress sheâs wearing. I hope thatâs for sale.
BC- I wish I could wear a dress as elegantly as she does. She sure knows how to work it. And look at her face! I heard itâs made completely out of china. You know I was thinking about getting some china cheekbones, but I decided against it. Iâve heard they break too easily.B- i think I might buy that dress. Let me have a look in my thrift box.
letâs see here... marbleâ¦noddyâ¦bandaidâ¦horse shoeâ¦buttonsâ¦no, not enough. Iâll have to wait till next year. Change the channel will you, not being able to obtain what I desire is making me depressed.
B- oooh, itâs that new crime show!BC- a dead naked body in a bag?
B- oh goodness, her eyes opened. Turn it off! Turn it off!
B- Now baby, I think weâve known each other long enough for me to say that I enjoy your company. So much so, that Iâve got something. Not just for you, but for us.
B- Iâve been saving these for a very special occasion.BC- you shouldnât have those! Where did you get them from?
B- That is neither hither nor thither, baby. Come on and try it. It will be fun! Just hold my hand. And if you donât like it, just squeeze my hand and we wonât talk of it ever again.
BC- Well ok, only if you think itâs safe.
B- of course it is. Here, give me your hand and breathe!
B- and again!BC- my eyes arenât working!B- shut up and breathe!
B- this is the life, ey baby? baby? are you ok, baby? baby?
By the minotaur of Crete, baby, I told you to squeeze my hand if you wanted to stop, not fall onto your face.
fine, Iâll take off your bag for you too, shall i? oh no, itâs no problem. Donât even bother getting up to thank me.
baby? speak, baby. BY GODâS WHISKERS, SPEAK!Roll over!!
Oh dear! Every part of your face apart from your lips are blue, baby. what happened?
Here, Iâll prop you up so you can speak properly.
What the dick is that green stuffâ¦. meconium? You filthy baby! down you go.
I suppose Iâll have to wipe your bot bot for you as well, wonât i? good grief.
down goes the diaper. Iâll put it outside to dry off for a while, itâs easier to clean when itâs dry because you can scrape it off with your fingernailsâ¦ whatâs this?
A card? For me?! Baby! it couldnât be, could it?
BC- is this your card?B- no.- are you sure?- yes, that definitely isnât my card.- maybe itâs the way Iâm saying it. Iâll try again. Is THIS your card?- NO, it isnât.- are you sure- oui, absolument.- see, youâre making noises but I donât understand what you're saying when you're not speaking the english. I donât believe you.- fine. well why donât you ask the paedo with the camera?