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Published June 25, 2011 460 views More Info »
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5 Die Votes
Published June 25, 2011
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After the candyman of the clouds had been tightly tucked into bed, several luscious lashes fell into a tourist’s eye. These irritated him very much so. “Why must this happen to me now?” asked the tourist, “I need to get an extension for my visa today otherwise my arrest and legal proceedings will be turned into televisual entertainment!” What would usually appear to be an incentive to appear on television in most other peoples’s's's's's's' case was not so with the extremely camera-shy tourist since the operation to alleviate his blushing cheeks went horribly wrong several years ago. “Perish the thought!”, the lad said aloud to himself, and immediately ceased trembling.

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In spite of not being able to see where he was going, the tourist, much like the logo for a particular kind of alcoholic beverage, kept on walking.A hand saturated in tears, irreversible eyeball damage and 5 hours later, the candyman of the clouds decided to suckle upon some aniseed to cleanse his palate after a microwaved meal of lamb rogan josh. The awakening gently blew the loose lashes out of his eye and the tourist revelled in sweet relief whilst ameliorating his swollen socket with cherry lip balm.

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After gaining some of his sight back, a plastic house appeared. Hoping that they had their utilities bill paid up to date, he toddled towards it planning to charge his electronic astrolabe and compass in order to find his way home beneath the canopy of the heavens.

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It was out of this perfectly plausible circumstance that what you are about see occurred.Viewer discretion is advised.

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LadyBaby- I probably should have asked you this before, Baby, but did you use a…

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Baby - Baby;

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I'm all rubber.

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B- That will be my cousin, he told me that he would be coming straight from the maternity ward. Don’t ask me how I gave him directions.

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Push head first, baby. Goodness, I’d better get dressed.

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Push! Come on, push!

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That's it

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I can see your head!

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Don’t go too fast, you’ll set off the speed camera.

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What did I tell you? You don’t listen do you?

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There’s no use crying about it now, is there? There there, you’re a big boy now, aren’t you?

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B- Good morrow, baby! How is it that you are? Who are you wearing?BabyCousin- How now, baby! How wonderful to finally see you. My throat’s a bit sore, but apart from that I can’t communicate complaint with language, so there’s no use complaining. Oh, and my bonnet was made by ‘Cuttingupapillowcase’, the nappy was made by ‘Usingabandage’and the safety pin was made by my friend, Tracey Hirst. Please check out her website, she makes the most exquisite accoutrements which are functional and fashionable for any occasion.B- That’s wonderful! Good luck with the nominations. Please, have a seat.

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BC- Say Baby, who’s this young lady? Such a symmetrical face deserves an explanation. What an alluring philtrum she possesses.B- Oh, that’s ladybaby Suzy, we were just having a cigarette. Suzy, this is my cousin I was telling you about.

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LB-lovely to meet you, baby, but I must be off, my parents are expecting. Goodbye.

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LB- Oh dear, how clumsy of me.B- Suzy, how could you do this to me! Why would you lie about things that are as important to me as those? Get out, I never want to see you again. Tempting me with your false pretensions! Oh, the humiliation!LB- But, baby, I thought you’d love me more. I only did this to get your mature connoisseur attention. Shame on you for thinking that I had big naturals. I should have listened to my playmates, but I was convinced you were the one.

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LB- [faint sobs]BC- I’m sorry, baby, I must have come at an unsavoury hour. You must want to reconcile your relationship with LadyBaby Suzy. I’d better be go…

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B- Shhhh. There there, don’t be foolish, baby. She lied to me, it’s her own fault. You’re here now, and we’re going to have the time of our lives, and i owe it all to you.

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Let us commence with some tea.

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Let us pray.

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B- what did you wish for?BC- world peace.B- milk?BC- no thank you, I bought my own.

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B- Why baby, what a stupendous milk reservoir device! Where did you get it? That is, only if you don’t mind me asking.BC- I don’t mind at all, I got it from a hardware shop, but any good hardware store should have it in stock. It is very good, isn’t it?- yes, it is. I have seen a few babies sporting it out and about, but I was too afraid to ask them. Some of those babies can be mighty precious of their property, especially in this age of capitalism. How much can it hold?- well, I only ever put it up to the 80% mark, and that’s enough for me during the day, but it can go up to 5 litres.- why, I would have thought its capacity would have been a lot smaller than that. is it easy to clean?- sure! All you have to do is soak it in bleach overnight, let it drip-dry for a couple of days and it’s ready to go. Awfully convenient, isn’t it?- awfully indeed! I wonder how much it would cost to buy. I was thinking of getting one for a friend. I also wonder if it could be gift-wrapped at no extra charge.- ok

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B- sugar?BC- oh, yes please.- I think I only have brown sugar at the moment. Is that ok?- you mean “brown sugar”?- yes, “brown sugar”. I’m sorry I don’t have anything else.- no problem, I’ll get myself sorted.- ok, won’t be a minute

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I'm ready!

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B- good grief, what are you doing?BC- Sorry, I thought you meant...

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B- watch out, your milks going off.

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BC- thanks for thatB- no problem- you’re welcome- have a great day- thanks, you too- see you again- bye for now- godspeed- god bless- gesundheit

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B-so I was talking to baby Allan the other dayBC-oh yes, what has he got to say for himself?- well he was talking about getting life insurance, just incase his whooping cough doesn’t clear up.- and what did you say?- I told him that I think it’s a swell idea

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B- by the burning bush of moses!

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B- ladybaby Suzy? Is that you?LB- yes, of course it’s me silly.- what happened to your skin?

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LB- I got a tan. It’s a subtle bronze. B- Do you mean caramel-faced minstrel singer subtle bronze?- you and your jibes, turkey! It makes me look more exotic! The next time we make love, it will feel like you’re making love to a pineapple or a bottle of coconut water. So... do you love me now?

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[aside] Where is love? Oh no I’m melting. Hold back the tears, Suzy. You promised your tan you wouldn’t cry. Stay strong.

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I can see I’m not wanted here. I’m sorry for even trying. All I wanted you to do was love me for who I am, and you don’t have the ability to do that.

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BC- Do you like card tricks?B- Do all African babies have AIDS?- I think you mean HIV, and that’s not true.- I think you’ll find it is.- no, I don’t think you know what you’re talking about. Do you even know what AIDS is an acronym for?- I don’t know much, but I know what I like, and I like card tricks.- ok, let me just give them a quick shuffle.

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BC- now, is it true that we have never met before or planned anything beforehand through subtle gesticulations, facial, and/or eye movements so help me god?B- that is correct.- ok, pick a card, any card.

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Now once you’ve picked that card, do not show me what it is, just repeat it to yourself over and over again in your squishy little head.Remember that card and pop it back in the deck anywhere you like.Now make sure you’re sitting down with your head in a box made of lead casing, because this is either going to blow your mind or give you a brain tumour.

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BC- Is this your card?B- i don’t think so.- don’t think or won’t think?- um… no, that definitely wasn’t my card. Nice try though. It certainly got me thinking as to how you did it. How did you do it?

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BC- I’m afraid my duty as the entertaining guest has been unfruitful. Could I try standing up instead?B- sure.

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BC- Hey, how you guys doin’ tonight?Audience- Woooooh.- Yeah right on! It’s great to be back here in the nursery, cause last week, actually, is there anyone in from the daycare centre?A- [a few yeahs]- I bet you’re glad to be here then, cause that place is horrible.- HAHAHAHAHAHA-I’m not even joking when I say this, the last time I was there the toys didn’t even work properly! All the batteries were leaking out the back of the back of the toys and, get this, some kids were nibbling on them! So I was like, “hey man, you shouldn’t be eating that stuff, that shit’s poisonous”, and they were like, “it tastes better than my mother’s breast milk”.- HAHAHAHAHAHANow, what else has been happening? Uh, is there anyone in without parents, any orphans or….? Yes you, sir? I thought you looked like a late-term abortion.- WOAAAH- Easy now, just a joke. Ok, show of hands, who here loves their mother? All of you? Well I’m not too fond of mine after what happened last night.- WHAT HAPPENED?- Jesus, I’ll tell you, give me a fucking break. - HAHAHAH- Alright, so last night, I was pretending to be asleep, right? And my mom comes in, and I’m thinking, ‘she won’t risk waking me up by changing me, she’s got work tomorrow morning, she needs to sleep’. And what does she do? She grabs me up under my arms, changes my diaper and puts me into a onesie for bed. Now, I’m not sure about you guys, but I fucking hate onesies.- HAHAHAHAHA, TELL IT LIKE IT IS, BABY!

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- This guy knows what I’m talking about! So what do I do in retaliation? I urinate in it right in front of her. Now, I’m not talking about a regular sprinkle of yellow rain, I’m talking of a yellow tsunami.- HAHAHAHAHAHAH- I pissed inside my onesie so much that it was up to my chubby knees. I was wading in my onsesie!- HAHAHAHHA- Then she said that it was time for bed, and I was like, “no one tells me what to do!”, and so I did a handstand and made sure she could see I was covered in it and that the rest of my onesie was soaked. ‘You see this mother? Huh? You see that? Change me now!’. She didn’t see it, and so I spent the whole night chafing to death in a cold and itchy onesie. Sure it was warm at first, but after that, I can tell you it’s no fun at all.- AWWW- Anyway, i’ve decided that I’m gonna start calling onesies, ‘won’t-seys’, because I sure as hell WON’T be getting into another one of those things in a hurry.- HAHAHAHHA

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- Man, you guys are great. Hello sir? Or is it ma’am? Sir! I’m not sure if all of you can see this guy, but he’s wearing pink. Buddy, that’s going to mess you up later on in life.- HAHHAHAAHAH- Babies and babymen, lately I’ve been thinking about getting older. And I do not like it one bit. Mainly because of the food on the kids menu is always the same thing. you got deepfried this, deepfried that, you know? Screw that. I’d rather they’d give me any kind of puree over that shit any day of the week.- WOOO, YEAH

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- Anyone here from a low socio-economic background with a single mother? Yes, you ma’am?- YEAH- Maybe you can relate to this. You know, my mother’s so poor that she can only afford second-hand pacifiers.- OOOH HA HA HA- That’s why now, I use my thumb. At least I know where that’s been.- HAHAHA- Speaking of nipples, I’m my Mother’s 8th child.- OOOH- Yeah. I don’t breastfeed, I just chew on her leathery nipples hoping something will come out.- HAHAHHAAHA- Am I right, last-born catholics?- OH MERCY, IT’S SO TRUE

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- I’ll tell you something that scares me, you know those weird faced babies with foetal alcohol syndrome? Am I right? I look at them and I’m like…Audience member- that isn’t funny, I have FAS.- what do you want me to do about it? It’s not my face that’s fucked up. It’s yours, bro.A -…GASP

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- what? You guys think I’m too soon out of the womb to be saying stuff like that? You know what, I tell it like it is and if one of those freaks comes up to me with a face that doesn’t look right, then it’s MY responsibility to say what everyone else is too afraid to say.A- BOO, TOO BLUE, BOO, HISS- what are you talking about? it’s no more blue than cotdeathAh shit, I lost my balance.

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Stop laughing! you try doing this at such an early age. I don’t even use the potty yet, so fuck you. I hope you all die from SIDS, you ruddy-nosed motherfuckers.

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BC- was it ok?B- it was great, baby! I was laughing the whole time.- yeah, you’re right. The audience mustn’t have understood it.

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SIP KNOCK-KNOCK KNOCK-KNOCKB-who on earth could that be at this hour? Wait, that was his special knock.

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B- did you invite him?BC- invite who?- CrackBaby. that was his knock. Oh no, look! his feet!

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BC- I don’t know crackbaby, baby.B- that’s probably a good thing, you should stay away from people like him, he’ll ruin you, baby. now whatever you do, don’t stare at his coathanger.

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CrackBaby- HAAAAAAY GAITH!!!!!B- ugggh, what a horrible stereotype.CB- hope you don’t mind me coming in the backdoor, it’s what I do!B- (sotto voce)pia mater, (aloud)what brings you here to grace us with your presence, crackbaby? Why don’t you go back to where you came from?

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CB- well, I was just in the vithinity and wath theeing if you gaith wanted anything. Who’th thith gorgeouth young thang?B- crackbaby, baby, baby, crackbaby.CB- why hello thayer, baby! you gaith have the thame thurnames! Are you gaith related or thumthing?B- yes, we’re cousins. Our mothers are sisters.CB- well thath thimply delightful!B- i notice you’ve still got the coathanger in there, I thought you were planning on getting it removed?CB- you know, I thought long and hard about it, and I finally dethided to keep it. It’th part of who I am. Ath gaga would thay, I wath born thith way. Anyway, that’th enough about me.

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CB- you gaith need anything? Perhapth thome crack to get thith party thtarted!?B- well we weren’t planning on getting anything, but, may I have a closer look.CB- thure, go right ahead!

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B- hmmm

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B- now forgive me if I’m wrong crackbaby,CB- you’re forgiven! How could I hold a grudge againtht thuch a loyal cuthtomer?!B- but your “crack” looks like it's rock salt coated in some vanilla essence to make it appear slightly off-colour.

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CB-What are ya talkin’ about?!! I would never do thumthing like that to you gaith.

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Maybe you gentlemen would prefer thumthing a bit different, yeah? Perhapth a little bit of the devil’th dandruff?

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B- looks ok to me.CB- grayt! Good timeth gaiths. Tell you what, the first hit’th free!B- there’s no need for that crackbaby, we’ll pay for it now and have some later.

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CB- don’t be thilly, I inthitht! Here, I’ll put out three lynth for us.B- that’s very nice of you crackbaby but I really mustn’t, otherwise I’ll never finish my tea.CB- ok, I’ll have yourth. What about you, baby?BC- I’ll just taste a little bit to see if I like it.CB- thoot yourthelves, here I go.

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CB- wooo, that thertainly hit the thpot. You like, baby?

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BC- it tastes like talcum powder and baby laxatives.

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CB- oh...mutht be off now gaith. Lovely meeting you, baby! yooth the tin can on a thtring outthide if you need anything! Buuuy gaith!

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BC- what a pleasant young manB- I’ll only warn you once more, baby. CrackBaby is a troubled child.What’s that noise?

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LB- oh no, I wanted this to be a surprise, but my cord fell down before I could.B- sorry, I don’t think I know who you are. Do you need help? You look mighty injured.

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LB- Ha, I know! I may look a little different, but I promise you it’s still me underneath!

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B- I’m afraid you’re going to have to help me, I still can’t place your face… Mum? Have you been reincarnated?! Oh, my oedipal desire has never been stronger!LB- it’s me LadyBaby Suzy! I thought it was time for a change so I’m going for a more youthful look. Admittedly it’s straight out of a catalogue, the style is ‘moist n’ fresh’. Do you like it? So do you love me now?B- Suzy?! Why did you do this? Were you dropped on your noggin?

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LB- I thought you might be a little resistant to my new look, so I have something very important to tell you which may make you change your mind.

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I'm pregnant and it's definitely yours.

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LB- Look at what we made! Isn’t it lovely?

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B- You’re right, Suzy, I've been a damn fool. It is lovely and I do love you.Audience- AwwwwwB- you look awfully tired. Why don’t you go to sleep and we’ll sign up our baby for the best private school education money can buy in the morning.LB- I knew I would sway you someway or another. My horoscope was right.B- off to sleep, ladybaby. Goodnight.

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B- Baby, fetch me the safety scissors.

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B- too slow, baby. next time when I ask for scissors I mean right now, not in a couple of aeons. A baby’s life is at risk. Get yourself together. Can you at least do that for me? Or is that too much to ask as well? Jewsus Christ, fucking kids these days.

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BC- I’m sorry baby, it’s just that I’ve got this really bad stomach ache and …B- good lord, baby! shut the fuck up, I’m making an incision. If I wanted to know what was wrong with you, I’d pull your pants down and ask you to cough.

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Easy does it. Steady as she goes, there she goes again, racing through her brain.

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B- hey, jackpot! Just as I thought. Not enough reds or greens, no wonder she was mental.BC- what do we do now, baby?B- I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do for her now, baby. Only time can heal this wound. But I happen to know he can’t use a needle and thread or superglue. She's going home to Jewsus.

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B- be a dear and put this baby near a corner, would you?

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BC- how can you sit there so free of noise and disturbance, baby? I’m still in shock.B- you need something to calm your nerves? I’ve got just the ticket!

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BC- what is it?B- it’s umm, ground… ground… ground something, you know it’s on the tip of my tongue. You know that feeling like when you’re about to say something but you can’t because you don’t know what the name of the thing that you’re talking about is and then you have to explain to the other person why it is you can’t say the thing that you’re thinking about until at some point later on in the day or in the conversation when something reminds you of the spelling of the word or the sound of the word or you look up the word online and then you finally get it, but then it's far too late but you say it out loud anyway and you chastise yourself for not being able to remember such a simple word so you sit reading through the dictionary for months trying to better yourself for the next encounter with a human being?

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B- it’s ground, ground - and a little dash of this as well will make it taste a bit sweeter- ground… come on, it will come to me in a second.

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B- ah ha! ground zero ashes! I knew it would come to me.BC- ground zero ashes? Haven’t you got anything a bit fresher?B- there should be something in a few months… Hopefu… Ginseng?

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BC- yes please! Thank you.

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So how are your babies, baby?

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Whose babies, baby?

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Your babies, baby.

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Oh, my babies, baby! Which baby, baby? Baby Babby or baby Bebby, baby?

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Both of your babies, baby. Baby Babby and baby Bebby.

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Oh! Both of my babies, baby Babby and baby Bebby are beginning to baby babble, baby.

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Ah! But not all babies like your babies, baby Babby and baby Bebby, begin babbling so soon!

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You’re probably right, baby. What ever happened to your baby Bobby, baby?

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i wish baby bobby was still born… I mean, still alive. He used to be such a happy puppet.

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B- Let’s watch the televisual entertainment system.

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B- she’s let herself go a bit, hasn’t she?

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BC- baby! You’re sitting too far away and seeing her as being a big blurry image. Get a bit closer.

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B- oh, that’s better. What a jolly dress she’s wearing. I hope that’s for sale.

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BC- I wish I could wear a dress as elegantly as she does. She sure knows how to work it. And look at her face! I heard it’s made completely out of china. You know I was thinking about getting some china cheekbones, but I decided against it. I’ve heard they break too easily.B- i think I might buy that dress. Let me have a look in my thrift box.

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let’s see here... marble…noddy…bandaid…horse shoe…buttons…no, not enough. I’ll have to wait till next year. Change the channel will you, not being able to obtain what I desire is making me depressed.

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B- oooh, it’s that new crime show!BC- a dead naked body in a bag?

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B- oh goodness, her eyes opened. Turn it off! Turn it off!

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B- Now baby, I think we’ve known each other long enough for me to say that I enjoy your company. So much so, that I’ve got something. Not just for you, but for us.

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B- I’ve been saving these for a very special occasion.BC- you shouldn’t have those! Where did you get them from?

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B- That is neither hither nor thither, baby. Come on and try it. It will be fun! Just hold my hand. And if you don’t like it, just squeeze my hand and we won’t talk of it ever again.

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BC- Well ok, only if you think it’s safe.

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B- of course it is. Here, give me your hand and breathe!

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B- and again!BC- my eyes aren’t working!B- shut up and breathe!

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B- this is the life, ey baby? baby? are you ok, baby? baby?

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By the minotaur of Crete, baby, I told you to squeeze my hand if you wanted to stop, not fall onto your face.

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fine, I’ll take off your bag for you too, shall i? oh no, it’s no problem. Don’t even bother getting up to thank me.

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baby? speak, baby. BY GOD’S WHISKERS, SPEAK!Roll over!!

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Oh dear! Every part of your face apart from your lips are blue, baby. what happened?

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Here, I’ll prop you up so you can speak properly.

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What the dick is that green stuff…. meconium? You filthy baby! down you go.

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I suppose I’ll have to wipe your bot bot for you as well, won’t i? good grief.

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down goes the diaper. I’ll put it outside to dry off for a while, it’s easier to clean when it’s dry because you can scrape it off with your fingernails… what’s this?

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A card? For me?! Baby! it couldn’t be, could it?

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BC- is this your card?B- no.- are you sure?- yes, that definitely isn’t my card.- maybe it’s the way I’m saying it. I’ll try again. Is THIS your card?- NO, it isn’t.- are you sure- oui, absolument.- see, you’re making noises but I don’t understand what you're saying when you're not speaking the english. I don’t believe you.- fine. well why don’t you ask the paedo with the camera?

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Yes, you.

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You filthy fuck

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