Australian billionaire Clive Palmer (this generation's John Hammond of Jurassic Park) has commissioned a Chinese ship building company to construct an exact replica of the Titanic, but with state-of-the-art modern... more »

Full Credits

Bow Flood Lights

  This time around, the look-outs in the crow's nest won't miss a single piece of ice with these football-stadium flood lights illuminating anything within 1/2 a mile from the ship. Spared no expense.  

Cargo Bay Vault

  The most advanced vault technology will be installed to prevent poor people from breaking in and having sex in your stored goods. 

Machine Gun-Equipped Crew Members

  If, god forbid, anything horrible should happen, the first mate won't get caught again with just a worthless six shooter to get the panicked passengers attention. Now all shipmates will be fully armed with additional artillery to keep order at all times. 

Smart Chip Wristband Tickets

  Taking a cue from Goldenvoice's Coachella, tickets for the new Titanic will now be ID based through wristbands. You no longer have to worry about poor immigrants winning their tickets through a casual game of cards and coming on board to sleep with your bitchy fiancee. You can also swipe your wristband to check in on Facebook to "middle of the Atlantic"!

High Voltage Railings

  The original Titanic just seemed like it was too easy for passengers to climb over railings like monkey bars. No more! A sharp 500 watt shock should discourage them from trying anything funny like fake flying to woo your bitchy fiancee who JUST WON'T STAY IN HER FUCKING STATE ROOM.

Clean Energy Engines

  Thanks to a generous collaboration with BP, Titanic II will be powered by corn diesel engines and its boiler rooms will no longer be homoerotic, dirty sweat fests like out of that Billy Joel Allentown video. 

A James Cameron follow boat

  Not to risk having another catastrophe with no boat nearby to rescue passengers and no one to document the event, James Cameron will be at the helm of a large follow ship called the "S.S. Titanic II 3D" which will be fully equipped with all the latest camera technology to document any possible outcome of each voyage. 

Like, 4 More Lifeboats

  Oh yeah, they added like, 4 extra old-timey heavy wooden lifeboats.