Upgrading the New Titanic II

This time around, the look-outs in the crow's nest won't miss a single piece of ice with these football-stadium flood lights illuminating anything within 1/2 a mile from the ship. Spared no expense.

The most advanced vault technology will be installed to prevent poor people from breaking in and having sex in your stored goods. 

If, god forbid, anything horrible should happen, the first mate won't get caught again with just a worthless six shooter to get the panicked passengers attention. Now all shipmates will be fully armed with additional artillery to keep order at all times. 

Taking a cue from Goldenvoice's Coachella, tickets for the new Titanic will now be ID based through wristbands. You no longer have to worry about poor immigrants winning their tickets through a casual game of cards and coming on board to sleep with your bitchy fiancee. You can also swipe your wristband to check in on Facebook to "middle of the Atlantic"!

The original Titanic just seemed like it was too easy for passengers to climb over railings like monkey bars. No more! A sharp 500 watt shock should discourage them from trying anything funny like fake flying to woo your bitchy fiancee who JUST WON'T STAY IN HER FUCKING STATE ROOM.

Thanks to a generous collaboration with BP, Titanic II will be powered by corn diesel engines and its boiler rooms will no longer be homoerotic, dirty sweat fests like out of that Billy Joel Allentown video. 

Not to risk having another catastrophe with no boat nearby to rescue passengers and no one to document the event, James Cameron will be at the helm of a large follow ship called the "S.S. Titanic II 3D" which will be fully equipped with all the latest camera technology to document any possible outcome of each voyage. 

Oh yeah, they added like, 4 extra old-timey heavy wooden lifeboats.