23 steps to prepare yourself for what ordinarily would be a shit town of an experience.

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February 13, 2013

Step 1: Take a deep breath. Strong lungs will be necessary for Step 3.

Step 2: Google "unemployment benefits."

Step 3: Engage in Dragon Ball Z-style martial arts with an invisible opponent, i.e., rapid kicks and punches. Ideally, move faster than the human eye can perceive.

Step 4: Gatorade.

Step 5: Make sure your references are in order. Two is good. Three to four, ideal.

Step 6: Understand that now is not the time to tweet at Rob Delaney in the hopes he will retweet you, netting you thousands of high-profile followers. Skip to Step 8 if most of those words were incomprehensible.

Step 7: Now is the time to tweet at celebrity physicist Neil deGrasse Tyson in the hopes that he will befriend you, the two of you forming a truly out-of-this-world buddyship.

Step 8: Take a deep breath.

Step 9: Take an even deeper breath of Gatorade.

Step 10: Hey, a little late to be asking, but you're sure you're getting fired, right? Okay, good, but, wow, this should've been like No. 1 or No. 2 at the latest. Sorry. That was extremely irresponsible. Extremely.

Step 11: Take a Sharpie -- never return this Sharpie, it is yours now. Retire to the bathroom and write DIGNITY on your chest. (If your chest is breast-like in nature, consider your stomach as a strong alternative.) Cover your torso up. You now have a torso secret.

Step 12: Return to your desk.

Step 13: Get fired.

Step 14: Reveal your torso secret.

Step 15: The Princess and the Frog.

Step 16: Pocahontas.  

Step 17: Mulan.

Step 18: Those are the only Disney Princess movies I have yet to watch.

Step 19: Gather only the most essential things you brought with you, e.g., jacket, laptop, coffee mug, your Sharpie -- anything your former boss or invisible opponent from Step 3 would enjoy stealing.

Step 20: Destroy those items, for no matter what, you have...  

Step 21: Your torso secret.

Step 22: Find a job that you love and values your hard work.

Step 23: Settle for anything.