Once you hear a song you grew up with on an oldies station you figure out that you’re eventually gonna have to explain these songs to your future children.

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January 25, 2012

DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince - Parents Just Don’t Understand “…take it from me parents just don’t understand…”

  Kids, let me tell you how lucky you are.  Parents in my day did not understand.  Not like me, kids.  No, I get you.  I know what you’re going through.  I would give you keys to the brand new Porsche. What’s that?  You just got your first period.  Talk to your mother. 

Beastie Boys - (You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party!) “…your mom threw away your best porno mag…”

 Instead of these fancy iPad 8’s you kids have these days we used to kill trees to make paper and on that paper we printed magazines.  Some of those magazines had pictures of naked women.  We didn’t have all the porn ever made at our fingertips like you kids these days.  We had to work for our porn.  Do you know how many paper cuts I got growing up? SON, STOP MASTURBATING!

House of Pain - Jump Around “…or better yet a terminator, like Arnold Schwarzenegger…”

Why are they talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger? Kids, before Arnold was a lonely divorcee he somehow got elected governor of California.  Why would anyone vote for him?  Good question, kids.  See he became famous after saying his catch phrase “It’s not a tumor” in some kid’s movie.  And in California if you’re famous people will vote for you regardless of how ridiculous you may be.  Why are they calling him a terminator?  I have no clue, kids, we all know Christian Bale is the terminator.  That’s like saying he’s not Batman.  

Ice Cube - It Was a Good Day “…the Lakers beat the Supersonics…”

  Who are the Supersonics?  Well kids, now they’re the Oklahoma Thunder. I think they were in the ABA or the collective name of Shawn Kemp’s children. Why would anyone write a song about the NBA?  Dammit kids, cause if Ice Cube says an NBA game makes for a good day you believe him.  He was Doughboy for God’s sake!

Dr. Dre - Nuthin’ But a G Thang “…my beeper kept beepin’…”

Dad, what the F$%K is a beeper? Watch your language, kids.  A beeper was a device where we could text people our phone numbers so that they would call us on a payphone.  They were very practical. Ask the Beeper King, Dennis Duffy.  I used to hit your mother up on hers all the time. What? No, they were not used just for skanks or hos no matter what Dr. Dre says.  Are you trying to say your mother was a ho? That’s it!  You’re grounded!    

Beck - Loser “…butane in my veins and I’m out to cut the junkie…dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose…”

Bonus song! What the hell was that? You got me, kids.  Beck is one goofy Scientologist bastard.  Wait!  Beck!  Oh no! I just realized this was Beck’s cry for help. He wanted us to save him from that goofy ass religion.  Hold on, kids! We’re going to save Beck!