After the New England Patriots 45-10 drubbing of the Denver Broncos, spurred by 6 TDs from Patriots QB Tom Brady and Broncos QB Tim Tebow's ineptitude to complete a pass, God rode a Golden Chariot to Gillette Stadium... more »

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January 16, 2012

Tim Tebow (Denver Broncos)

GOD: Tim is by far the my most devoted player, but I wish he would devote less time to me and devote more time to fixing his long throwing motion to become more accurate.

Sedin Twins (Vancouver Canucks)

GOD: I admit I got lazy when I put two of the best hockey players in the world in the same womb. I still get them confused. Is Daniel the better scorer and Henrik the better playmaker? I have no idea. 

Cristiano Ronaldo (Real Madrid/Portugal)

GOD: Cristiano Ronaldo is the most physically gifted soccer player I have ever created, but he is also the most irritating asshole in all of sports.

Eli Manning (New York Giants)

GOD: Every Giants fan remembers that I helped Tyree-Helmet Catch, but forget I put Eli Manning in a Giant uniform over petulant asshole Phillip Rivers and serial rapist Ben Roethlisberger. 

Albert Pujols (Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim)

GOD: Yes, I did tell Albert Pujols to go to the Angels for 10 years, $254 million because of the money and to move to Southern California. Have you been to Southern California? It's a million times better than St. Louis. 

Blake Griffin (Los Angeles Clippers)

GOD: It's time to end the conspiracy and admit it was actually me that cancelled the Chris Paul trade to the Lakers. i just couldn't pass up the opportunity to team up the best point guard in the NBA with its most entertaining player. Chris Paul-to-Blake Griffin dunks are more beautiful than the Sistine Chapel. 

Leo Messi (FC Barcelona/Argentina)

GOD: I thought it would be funny to take a little scrawny Argentinean and turn in him into arguably the greatest soccer player of all time with unbelievable scoring ability and tremendous technical skills. 

Derek Jeter (New York Yankees)

GOD: Derek Sanderson Jeter was always born to be a Yankee. If he were a Royal, he would already be on his third job as a minor league color commentator. As a Yankee, he's won 5 World Series, dated some of the world's most beautiful women, and when he retires, will become the owner of the largest chain of gift basket shops.  

Mariano Rivera (New York Yankees)

GOD: It took me forever to create the world's greatest pitch: Mariano's cutter. You're welcome. 

Tom Brady (New England Patriots)

GOD: I have a man crush on Tom Brady. I have taken care of Tom ever since he became the New England Patriots starting quarterback in 2001 He won 3 Super Bowls, 2 MVPs, and  married to Giselle Bundchen. Our lowest point was the Bieber hair cut in 2007 leading to the Super Bowl XLII loss. I can take a lot, but that was too much Tom. Nevertheless, I love Tom Brady more than anyone in the entire cosmos. It's because of him I now wear Uggs. They are really comfortable.