THE SEVEN SCARIEST SELF-HELP/HORROR MASH-UPS

Whether or not your father was a good financial role model or an ordinary Joe whose entrenched negative attitudes about money came from trying to succeed in the competitive world of having to gnaw on the flesh of his co-workers to survive, you’re sure to see a little piece of yourself in this powerful book.  If so, that little piece of yourself will likely be the small flap of mealy skin that has just been ripped from your exposed forearm.

As seen on Oprah, this revolutionary volume shows you how to reclaim the pure potential that lies in draining the blood of an innocent.  You’ll see how you can draw the good energy to you by offering virgin blood in ceremonies designed to get you the better job or loving relationship you’ve always wanted.  It’s like The Secret, only Satan does all the work.

You’ve seen the PBS fund drive specials–now experience a whole new dimension of growth, especially as it concerns your facial hair and fingernails.

Whether you are a seasoned supernatural denizen of the night, or a novice who hasn’t progressed beyond repeated viewings of Twilight while feeding on small woodland animals, this world-renowned Bible of success would undoubtedly have helped Vlad the Impaler reach a pinnacle of which he had never dared dream, and it will surely help you, too.  It’s the one Holy Book that won’t make our bloodsucking friends have a hissy fit!

It’s no secret that to get ahead in our careers we have to win the favor of some of the most soulless automatons known to mankind.   This newly-revised version of a classic takes that one step further, by showing each of us how an alliance with those doomed to roam our world for eternity can lead us to realizing our greatest destiny.  Which may be to cleave their skulls in twain with a rusty shovel, but there you go.

Hey, we all have something weighing heavily on our chest each night.  We might as well make the most of it.

Actually, I think this one is already about vampires.