The Funniest Women You Should Be Following in 2013

Favorite Tweet Pick: "I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I'd say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard."

Favorite Tweet Pick: "Dumbest thing I've done today? Ordered a burger with mozzarella sticks on it. Would I do it again?"

Favorite Tweet Pick: "i wonder whether people are ever super intimidated by me at parties. like, "there goes the joe mantegna of fake texting."

Favorite Tweet Pick: "I want the Mac loading icon to do that over my nipples."

Favorite Tweet Pick: "When are they going to invent a thing you have to blow into before a tweet or text can be sent?"

Favorite Tweet Pick: "Maybe if I make an awkward pass at my laundry it'll get uncomfortable & I'll never see it again. 

That's how the rest of my life works?"

Favorite Tweet Pick: "Whenever someone says "Oh you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"

Favorite Tweet Pick: "I just ate a huge plate of nachos but somehow I'm still lonely"

Favorite Tweet Pick: "If Twitter is a popularity contest, it looks like the middle aged married people are winning."

Favorite Tweet Pick: "gave a cute boy a ride in my car & all these cans of corn i had in the trunk were rolling around. i was like "idk what that is" lol i knew"

Favorite Tweet Pick: ""Webster's Dictionary defines 'Susan' as 'Not my real mom and never will be'..." - Opening line of the toast I'm giving at my dad's wedding"

Favorite Tweet Pick:"... "Just loving life, watching TV with the hubs." - the Facebook status of every girl I went to high school with"

Favorite Tweet Pick: "Get hoarders addicted to crack, they'll sell off all their shit. Boom, problem solved."

Favorite Tweet Pick: "It makes me sad that my dog thinks I made him a pizza."

Favorite Tweet Pick: "Can't stop dreaming about endless loss & sushi"

Favorite Tweet Pick: "Just dismissed my low battery warning while watching a porn. It's a fight to the finish now."

Favorite Tweet Pick: "i'm dating a rake. he fucks me and

leaves. #perfectjoke"

Favorite Tweet Pick: "Instead of buying the new Killers album, why not leave a Bruce Springsteen record on a radiator then play it at the wrong speed?"

Favorite Tweet Pick: ""Please, after you. You need it more than we do! Sorry. You know what I'll just leave, take my cart." - Canadian Black Friday"

Favorite Tweet Pick: "I try not to think about the series of events that prompted a business to post a NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS sign on the door."

Favorite Tweet Pick: "The collective noun for a group of Kardashians is called a "whored." A "whored of Kardashians." Try using it in a sentence today."

Favorite Tweet Pick: "Dear little girl blowing up the airport bathroom while belting Disney tunes..that sort of fearlessness will take you far in life. I promise"

Favorite Tweet Pick: "Hey, why don't you make like a tree and die in the winter."

Favorite Tweet Pick: "I'm glad Mississippi decided an egg isn't a person, but I wish someone would tell them Febreze isn't a shower."

Favorite Tweet Pick: "Don't stare at me during sex! I don't know you!!!"

Favorite Tweet Pick: "which is the Beyonce song where it's like we're independent but also you should marry us but like we're super-strong but also pay our bills"

Favorite Tweet Pick: Men will never know the simple pleasure of planning their day around the absorbency of their tampon.""

Favorite Tweet Pick: "Did we go swimming? Is this Nutella? Did I smoke pot, 1000 cigarettes... and a Black&Mild?" -a very hungover girl smelling her hair""

Favorite Tweet Pick: It's really more of a blowhobby than a blowjob.""

Favorite Tweet Pick: "I'm terrified of saying ranch dressing out loud because I don't want christina aguilera crashing through my wall like the kool-aid man"