The Mayans were an incredibly advanced civilization. They invented the first fully developed writing system in the Americas, discovered the Orion Nebula, and created many architectural wonders such as Chichen Itza, the... more »
The Mayans were an incredibly advanced civilization. They invented the first fully developed writing system in the Americas, discovered the Orion Nebula, and created many architectural wonders such as Chichen Itza, the Mayan ruins you go to recover from your Cancun hangovers. However, thank to John Cusack, we now only refer to the Mayans as the lunatics that think the world will end this year. According to the Mayan text, Popul Vuh, the world will end on December 21st, 2012 after 13 b'ak'tuns or 5,125 years. Despite the world ending, the Mayans believe 2012 will be an amazing year and made some other bold predictions for 2012 « less
Justin Bieber turns 18 in March and his popularity plummets as 98.8% of his fans are revealed to be pedophiles. Renowned pedophile, Selena Gomez dumps Bieber to date Elle Fanning. Bieber is seen performing at open mics in Halifax in November.
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace 3D is Still Disappointing
George Lucas alienates diehard Star Wars fans when he updates the 3D version by replacing Jar Jar Binks with Taboo of Black Eyed Peas.
LMFAO is the Official DJ of Massive Suicide Cults
It’s a chicken or the egg scenario. Do massive cults listen to LMFAO to commit suicide or does LMFAO make massive cults commit suicide?
'Dark Knight Rises' Movement Take Over Major Cities
In major cities around the world, hundreds of thousands of fans camp out waiting in line for the release of The Dark Knight Rises. As the lines take over entire parks, squares, and neighborhoods, some cities decided to fight back with police raids. In New York, Mayor Mike Bloomberg sent hundreds of police in riot gear at 3 AM in an attempt to sweep The Dark Knight Rises fans who took over Union Square, Nolita, and Tribeca, but the movement only grew stronger. After The Dark Knight Rises trailer airs during the Super Bowl, cops united with The Dark Knight Rises fans and camped out waiting for the release claiming, 'Bane looks fucking awesome'. The Dark Knight Rises Movement takes over Pittsburgh, Fargo, Austin, Rio de Janiero, Mumbai, and Trinidad, but not Tobago.
Beyonce and Jay-Z’s Baby Daughter Drops an Album
Rick Rubin, Diplo, and Kanye produce Jay-Z and Beyonce's baby's album. It features collaborations with Bon Iver, Kreayshawn, and the FreeCreditScore.Com Band. Her rap feud with Willow Smith leads to more deaths than Tupac/Notorious BIG.
Los Angeles Clippers Win NBA Championship
Lob City wins in 6 Games over Miami Heat. LeBron James disappears in the fourth quarter of Games 1, 2,4, and 6 to save the life of Skip Bayless who's only source of nourishment is his hatred of Lebron. With an alley-oop from Chris Paul, Blake Griffin edges DeAndre Jordan in a Maris/Mantle-like race to break the all-time slam dunk record. The image of Clippers owner Donald Sterling lifting Championship Trophy makes cover of Creepy Old Racist Owner Magazine
Kim Jong-Un Dominates 2012 London Olympics
North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un bests the likes of Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps in winning every gold medal in Swimming, Track and Field, and Rhythmic Gymnastics in the 2012 London Olympics. Kim Jong-Un dedicates his medals to his deceased father Kim Jong-Il, who starved the entire nation of North Korea so that his son could become a superstar athlete.
Underground Hunger Games Kills Thousands of Teens
Due to popularity of The Hunger Games film thousands of teens battle to death in Underground Hunger Games across the country. Jennifer Lawrence takes part in an underground Hunger Games in Boise, Idaho and wins by using explosive arrows. Obesity in America plummets 70% as fat kids are the first ones killed.
Barack Obama Wins 2012 Presidential Election
President Barack Obama wins reelection in a landslide over Republican Presidential candidate Ron Paul with catchy slogan "Sane". Ron Paul faces a major scandal when he was found to be BooBeard the Pirate who scared a wealthy family out of their house to rob them, until he was caught by 4 stoned teenagers and their big brown dog.
Yankees Win 28th World Championship
Thanks to biweekly trips to Germany and dating Taylor Swift, ARod regains MVP form and carries Yankees to 28th World Series over the hapless Chicago Cubs. Derek Jeter retires to open a chain of gift basket shops. After saving every game in the World Series, Mariano Rivera plans to be the Yankees closer for the next 25 seasons.
Peace in the Middle East Achieved
Lakers forward Metta World Peace is able to convince leaders of Israel and Palestine to set their differences aside and agree to end their dispute. World Peace is first person ever to win Nobel Peace Prize and 6th Man of the Year Award in same year.
Jesus gets his own NBC reality show that airs on Wednesdays at 9 after one hour comedy block of Whitney and Are you There, Chelsea? Jesus hangs out with Ryan Gosling, big fan of Game of Thrones, becomes member of Arcade Fire, ignores Tim Tebow’s phone calls, and dates Zooey Deschanel.