Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Over the weekend, Rudy Giuliani said Obama "should resign! He told us he would resign if he did this poorly. Do you remember that?" But not only did Obama not say that, Giuliani was speaking to a horse.

With 24% of projected Ohio votes cast, Obama appears to have a lead over Romney. But if Romney can ignore anything, it's percentages of people.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was reportedly Mitt Romney's first choice for running mate but was dropped in part because he was usually late to events. In Chris Christie's defense, stairs.

Senate candidate Rep. Todd Akin was arrested eight times for protesting outside abortion clinics, according to the National Journal. Nine if you count Taco Bell.

Scientists say they've identified the gene associated with regenerating nerve cells. "Oh great, because I was on my last one," said a 1970s sitcom parent.

Up to 40,000 New Yorkers may be homeless due to Hurricane Sandy. In related news, up to 40,000 New Yorkers may know what it feels like to be invisible to Mayor Bloomberg.

Disney is reportedly working on a series that will act as a sequel to "Boy Meets World." Crazy to think the show aired over 20 years ago and the cast still has nothing better to do.

The Egyptian Coptic Church selected its new pope on Sunday. To complete the ritual, he must then fight the Catholic pope, as there can only be one.

Actor Leonardo DiCaprio broke up with his Victoria's Secret girlfriend. And if that wasn't bad enough, he only found one free cinnamon bun this week.

The BBC reports that Apple paid a 2% corporate tax on its profits outside the U.S. Again making Mitt Romney question his choice of running mate.

The website of the U.S. National Archives appears to be blocking searches related to WikiLeaks. Critics have called the move "Orwellian" and "What's the National Archives?"