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Tesla Motors confirmed plans to build the Model III and sell it for half the cost of their Model S. What can drivers look forward to with this more affordable car of the future?
Published July 16, 2014 7 views More Info »
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Published July 16, 2014

"Car" for a light? Just kidding! The Model III has no lighter because you should stop smoking, you dumb dickhead.

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As you can see, the engine closely resembles the Model S, but with one key difference: Someone cut off 1/4 of it. Turns out, it does pretty much the same thing.

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When charging the Model III, a light will indicate the status of the battery. Green for "full charge," yellow for "charging," and red for "This car is a Decepticon. Get out. Get out now and find Mark Wahlberg."

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Meet the voices of your pinpoint-accurate GPS navigation system: Edward Norton and his friend Craig Geroncho. Get these two cards in the recording studio, and you might never get them out. Expect a lot of laughs as you zoom past rush hour traffic.

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Got a child who witnessed a member of Congress order the murder of a journalist? The Model III has got you covered. With optional state-of-the-art child safety seats, you'll be able to get your little one to court to testify and back to soccer practice without any hassle.

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The underchassis of the Model III might look like thin aluminum, and that's because it is. If you ever have a roll-over, you'll be able to bust through the floor like a baked potato on bath salts.

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An engine so small you'll have space for that window fan you still have from college that you use on days when it's hot but not full-on air conditioner-required hot.

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Two LCD display screens. One for GPS, the other for a picture of all the people who died building your car.

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Worried about getting your brand-new automobile covered in mud? No problem. Each Model III is 50% water and 50% dirt. Combine those two together and you've got a worry-free ride that will also shield you from the Predator's heat-detecting technology.

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Each Model III will be taught to jump. To quote the official Tesla motto, "Before we can fly, we must jump, and before we jump, we must walk. It's like, ya know, babies. But cars."

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Every car comes standard with a cord similar to the ponytails of the blue cat people of "Avatar." As you can see here, the car is "bonding" with a large novelty bottle opener. What will you think of next, Tesla?

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