As a child, I loved action figures, however, sometimes when I peeled back the plastic covering off the cardboard and held the little plastic man in my hand, I noticed that he looked nothing like the heroes I idolized on... more »

Luke Skywalker

Just like the barrel chested, machine gun blasting, roided out Luke Skywalker I remember.  I love the scene where Obi Wan approaches him in the gym while he's bench pressing old droid parts and choking down space-protein drinks.  Those male-ballerina pants are a nice touch; they probably make Luke more nimble.


He's ripped, dangerous, skilled, and wildly out of proportion.  I have never seen this toy in person, but I'm sure the only way to make it stand up on its own is to nail its feet to the table and superglue the leg joints in order to prevent gravity from yanking down his massive pumpkin head.  He kind of looks like a dwarf with state of the art prosthetic legs to bring him up to average height.  Another thing: I have noticed that a lot of these older action figures had hip joints that gave the torso part of the pants a sort of diaper look.  That was very confusing as a seven year old.  

John Travolta

Hey look!  A beige tinted toy of Shrek wearing a wig with a free picture of John Travolta™ on the cover!

Wayne Knight / Dennis Nedry / Newman

This is interesting.  This is supposed to be Wayne Knight's character, Dennis Nedry, from Jurassic Park.  You know, Newman from Seinfeld.  I'm not sure where to begin.  First, he's in good shape.  Was it politically incorrect to add body-fat to an action figure in the 90's?  The hair is too light, I never saw him wear those sunglasses, that shirt, those gloves, or even having a gun.  I like how they always try to make action figures look cool, even if they're the token dweeb.  "Glasses, curly hair, overweight, Hawaiian shirts?  I wouldn't touch that with a five foot pole!  Just change everything, no one will notice."

Men In Black

Here come the... wait, who are these guys?  For Will Smith's character, I give this designer a C-;  he still somewhat resembles the character, but only because he can hide his features behind those sunglasses.  For the Tommy Lee Jones design?  F.  He looks like Beavis as an old man with slicked back hair.  And what's with the strage purple tint around his mouth?  Was there a scene I forgot about where Agent K ran out of oxygen?  I would have gladly given these plastic strangers to my little brother to gum on.  

Tom Cruise from Mission Impossible

BOO!  Scared you Ethan Hunt!  This one even comes with a plastic syringe so he can inject human growth hormone before missions.  The little red suspenders were a nice touch; they maintain his boyish cheer.  In the movie, there was a deleted scene where Hunt gets his head caught in a vice which squishes it, and they tried to capture the morphed head shape in this figurine.  Unfortunately, the scene never made it to the screen, so the look didn't connect with young consumers.