Musicians like Lady Gaga and Amy Winehouse can usually get away with looking like a bag of mashed up assholes thrown into a bathtub of rotten sausages, but others only fail when they attempt to kickstart a new fashion.

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July 09, 2011

Bad Hair, just like Syphillis, can be found everywhere. Look at that shitweasel in the above picture. Would you want your hypothetical daughter or sensitive Gay son taking up with him in a trailer? Of course not. Because Rat's tails belong on Rat's asses. Although usually considered trailblazers in the fashion field, musicians have been known to set a foot wrong in the hairstyle stakes. Musicians like Lady Gaga and Amy Winehouse can usually get away with looking like a bag of mashed up assholes thrown into a bathtub of rotten sausages, but others only fail when they attempt to kickstart a new fashion. Ignoring the entire Nu-Metal era, where everybody and their Grandma had dreadlocks, there have been some glaring examples in musical history of what one's hair would look like if it was styled by a blind Uzbekistanian child with hooks for hands and an extra chromosome. This is but a small selection of these examples. Follow Sean on TWITTER.

Billy Ray 'Miley came out of my wang' Cyrus

A classic this, the four-fisted, WWE, 10/90 mullet became synonomous with Billy Ray Cyrus. As did shitty country music and beaver toothed pop sproglets. Oh, and let's not forget that chode load of a show he did, 'Doc', which was the personification of SuperAIDS.

Boy George

 You may just brush this off with a flippant "Well, it WAS the Eighties." No. Stop it. This technicolour dreamcoat of braided hair was never cool. Ever. No wonder he had to abduct young men, chain them up in his basement and whip them. Probably with his cat-o-nine tails hair, Willow Smith style.

Christina Aguilera

 Going for that classic 'Daddy didn't love me, so I became a cum-guzzling slutmuffin' look, Christina rocks out with Dee Snider's Twisted Sister era hairstyle. Still, I'd totally do her. S.T.D's be damned.


Those faces are just made for slapping. Look at their heads. Just look at them. Hair coiffed so as to resemble the helmet of a wang, the boys complete their 'I am literally a cock' look. Cocks.


 "How can I make a mullet, the most reviled hairstyle known to man, even wankier?" Uh, how about making it look like it's a top deck block of chocolate? Genius! Also, check out that rape face. This man means business. Raping business. And business is good.

Phil Spector

 Yeah, he's batshit crazy. Sure, he shot some anonymous blonde model. But the man makes beautiful music! He produced the Beatles, for fucks sake. Okay, it was their worst album and they later removed all songs tainted by his 'Wall of sound' technique and remastered them, but whatever. He also provides a habitat for homeless sparrows in his pube-hat... Can he be all that bad?

Tokio Hotel

My god, what is it? Male? Female? Goth? Emo? I have no idea, yet I'm inexplicably moist in my pants.

Nicky Minaj

 As if the faux pas of her MC Hammer jumpsuit wasn't enough, she had to go and get a  big ass blob of cotton candy strapped to her noggin. Ravenous children of the world rejoiced, and then, in a scene reminiscent of Hitchcock's 'The Birds', attacked her like the sugar junkies that they are.

Max Cavalera

Okay, the man is metal royalty. But his hair is just royally fucked up. His natty dreads have been growing in size for years, to the point where that hobbit dick sticking out from the back of his head now has a circumference that would put John Holmes to shame, God rest his asstapping soul.

Alicia Keyes

Sometimes, mixing two disparate things creates something that is brilliant. Think Horror and Comedy, best exemplified in the Evil dead series. Othertimes though, it only serves to create a clusterfuck of biblical proportions. Alicia Keyes' hair falls into this latter category. Braids and an afro? That's the hair equivalent of 'Son of the mask.'

Art Garfunkel

For seemingly an eternity, Garfunkel has been rocking this pedoriffic ginger, balding afro thing. Don't stare at it too long... Remember that scene in 'Raiders of the lost ark' where the Nazis looked into the Ark of the covenant and their faces were raped clean off? That WILL happen to you.

Cedric Bixler

Yeah, The Mars Volta frontman has been known to ingest copious quantities of LSD. That still doesn't explain this weird Russel Brand's head being humped by a Black Sheep affair. On the plus side, Amelia Earharts remains were finally located in that permy muffinload of dogwank.

Duran Duran

 Are you perchance hungry like the wolf? Ever dreamt of being sodomised by a blonde guy who looks like the KobraKai guy from 'The Karate Kid'? Then Duran Duran is the band for you! Such body, such shine, such mullety goodness...

Latoya "I'm totally psychic and killed the dinosuars" Jackson

Why can't her head ACTUALLY be on fire? SIGH. just more proof that there really isn't a god.


Remember Lego men and their little hair helmets? Paint Fantasia yellow and they''d be indistinguishable from each other.

Flock of Seagulls

No list of bad hair can neglect the legacy this lame band left behind them. But I'm going to. So there.

George Clinton

The man really is an extraterrestial. This visual eyeraping of a hairstyle is only exacerbated by the random Obi Wan kenobi braids that litter his hair like blood in an old mans stool. Being related to Bill Clinton is his only saving grace... I wonder why Bill never played sax on one of his albums?

John Lydon

The Sex Pistols were the epitome of punk. This hairstyle is the epitome of bollocks. John may say never mind them, but mind the bollocks we must. Those peroxide drenched erect phalluses perched upon his head insist that we do.

Keith 'Keef' Flint

Known for his outrageous reverse mohawky thing he used to parade about, Keith looks like a lecherous dance teacher you've just caught peering into your window, knuckles shuffling vigorously.


Yeah, he's totally alternative and hip and indie. So much so that he wears dead sloths on his head. Coolio. I'd make a joke about an animal skullfucking him, but I already shot that load with Cedric. So I'll just point out his Ukulele for no reason whatsoever.

Milli be thy Vanilli

M.V, known as Milli Vanilli or Moist Vaginas, are already living punchlines, so it wouldn't be fair of me to mock them for their shitty Balinese plaits. But I just did. So fuck them. They want someone to blame for their spectacular downfall? Blame it on the rain.