Actual Charlie Sheen quote: " I have a MILLION friends. I have a TRILLION followers on Twitter. I breathe fire, I bleed lava. I once beat Jesus in an arm-wrestling match. But he was too easy, so I had to challenge that Indian god with eight arms. And I still WON. I eat the Smurfs for breakfast, and I have an entourage of forty-three Bengalese tigers. Uh... DUH! SINNING!"