As the NFL draft approaches, fans from around the nation eagerly await to see what player goes to their favorite football team. For some reason, self-proclaimed draft experts such as Mel Kiper and Todd McShay get hours of television time creepily examining the bodies of soon to be NFL players. In response to this, I am declaring myself a Puppy Bowl Draft expert and will be examining the future stars of Puppy Bowl IX, otherwise known as the most adorable event on television.
Here are the 2012 Puppy Bowl draft projections.
#1 Pick: Booster
Booster has all the necessary tools to be a success in Puppy Bowl IX. He’s adorable, can run in the open field and has just the right of mental strength to be a MVP-caliber puppy in Puppy Bowl IX. One Puppy Bowl executive told me that Booster might be the best puppy prospect to come through the draft in years. One major concern about Booster is that some executives feel like Booster is going to demand too high of a contract for most teams to be able to afford. With the amount of talent Booster has, most teams do feel like he has to be drafted in the number one spot.
#2 Pick: Spike
Spike is a very, very raw talent who has extremely high potential. One Puppy Bowl executive told me that Spike might be the most talented puppy in the draft. So, what is keeping him from being the number pick? Spike has been known to have some character issues. A prior arrest for possession of marijuana in 2010 is making some executives nervous about taking Spike in the number two spot. I think that when there is a puppy this talented in the draft, you have to take him as early as possible.
#3 Pick: Toodles
Despite the name, Toodles might be the toughest puppy in this draft. Coaches love Toodles. He’s loyal, responsive and most of all tough. Toodles is not afraid to run through defenders and will score by any means necessary. Because of Toodles reckless playing style and multiple concussions, some executives are worried about his shelf life in the next Puppy Bowl.
#4 Pick: Rusty
Rusty might not have all the physical tools need to play at a Hall of Famer in future Puppy Bowls, but he can be guaranteed to be a very high quality play for years to come. The thing that is most striking about Rusty is his raw strength. Rusty benched 220 pounds an impressive 12 straight times. That kind of strength is unheard of in Puppy Bowls. What drags Rusty down is his apparent lack of speed. Character issues could also be a problem with Rusty; a female Puppy Bowl employee recently filed a sexual harassment claim against Rusty claiming that he humped her leg. Rusty has no comment on the matter.
#5 Pick: Lilo
Considering that Lilo is a fucking kitten, I’m not sure how he has made the draft board.
#6 Pick: Mr. BoJangles
Mr. BoJangles is a sleeper in this draft. He’s quite the physical specimen and has managed to avoid having the character issues that many other puppies in the draft have been dealing with. The only thing stopping Mr. BoJangles from having success is Mr. BoJangles. His 40 time is impressive. His weight lifting is impressive. What impressed executives the most was his interviewing abilities. If you draft Mr. BoJangles, you know that you have drafted a character puppy.