Must... obey... corporate... advertisements... can't... fight it... any... longer...
By Evan Jeffrey 5.2k views More Info
43 Funny Votes
14 Die Votes
5,221 Views
Published: February 22, 2012

Coke Boy

Who's that whispering to me in the dark?  Why, it's coming from the kitchen, but... I live alone.  Not to worry, it's just Coke Boy™.  Many years ago, Coke Boy™ shook a bottle of Coke™ so hard that the cap burst off and logged into his head, instantly ceasing his existence.  Now the ghost of Coke Boy™ creeps through the night, and whispers for thirsty citizens through the ether to come hither and quench themsleves with his sweet carbonated nector.  Only until Coca Cola™ reaches sales projections can he pass onto the afterlife.   

Chubbies!

"All the boys and girls at school poke fun of my weight, and it makes me sad," said Suzy. "Why, you're not over weight, Suzy," said her father. "you're just a Chubby™, nothing to be ashamed of.  I'm sure when you grow up, a nice, tax paying man will take your hand in marriage, so you better study hard while you still can."

Pink-a-boo!

The "Pink-a-boo" - a vintage look at what we know today as "The Shocker".  Notice how The Shocker looked a little different back then?  The third prong was designed to untangle the woman's pubic hairs while the two fingered prong occupied the vagina and the remaining prong occupied the anus.  The pubic prong was retracted once females grooming habits became more advanced.

The clutches of handsome.

"Hey dad, are you okay?" "Just swell, but I'll admit it is a little hard to breath in my Chevalier Heft Retainer™." "I'll say.  You've been wheezing all day, and your lips are blue." "But don't I LOOK GREAT?" "You sure do.  I want one too!" "Hold your horses Timmy, the Chevalier Heft Retainer™ is for men in their 30's, 40's, and 50's only."

Coke Boy returns...

He's BACK.  By drinking his syrupy bubbles, you have made him bigger and stronger than ever, but he must continue to haunt us with his high fructose corn syrup induced ghost moans until he can fulfill his marketing destiny and pass on into the afterlife.

Schlitz

"But if you did I would  ground you for a month while I engage in long, tongue-less kisses in a musky hotel with my secretary." 

Breakfast Paste

Jenny sure loves her Breakfast Paste™.  Mom has to keep it locked away in a safety deposit box downtown just to keep little Jenny from getting her paws on it between meals.  

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Bean Demon

Looks like little Johnny is possessed with the satanic flatulent gases of Van Camp's Devil Beans™. 

Chase & Sanborn Coffee

"I PAY MY TAXES, I HOSE MY GRASS, I READ THE OLD TESTAMENT, I SCRAPE THE GUTTERS, AND WHAT DO I COME HOME TO?  DOG GONE MEXICAN COFFEE!... WHAT'R YOU SMILIN' ABOUT?"

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