It took 7 years of poor ownership, roster turnover, government corruption, construction, lawsuits, and forcing people out of their homes for the Nets to move out of the New Jersey swamplands to the world's greatest... more »


Jay-Z owns 1% more of the Nets than you do, designed the super bland new logos and color schemes, and created an ultra-exclusive VIP lounge in the Barclays Center. He's already considered the greatest owner the Nets have ever had. 

Hasidic Jews

The Jordan Farmar Fan Club

Brighton Beach Russians

NETS owner Mikhail Prokhorov lost the Russian Presidential Election to Vladimir Putin, but he does make amazing jet-skiing videos.

Indie Bands

The national anthem and halftime performances could look like the Coachella lineup with Yeaayer, Grizzly Bear, Dirty Projectors, Neon Indian, Twin Shadow, Holy Ghost, and dozens of other indie bands all a short subway ride away. 

Park Slope Mothers

Barclays Center is the perfect place for baby playdates while gossiping over food co-ops. artisanal cheeses, and the bitch who uses formula rather than breast-feeding. 

New York Times Best Selling Authors

Colson Whitehead, Jennifer Egan, Jonathan Ames, and Jonathan Safran Foer will read excerpts from their novels during timeout breaks. 

The Warriors

A quarter-filled Barclays Center for a December Nets-Bobcats game is the perfect place to hide from rival gangs. 


A future 'Girls' episode will feature Hannah dating Nets center Brook Lopez. She will become frustrated when Brook would rather write X-Men fan fiction than have sex with her. 

Buggin Out from "Do the Right Thing"

Racial tension in Brooklyn has ended. Sal's Pizza Shop is now Sal's Vegan Cupcake Shop. Buggin Out spends his days wondering why the Nets traded a lottery pick for Gerald Wallace. 


Insert Johan Petro sucking joke here. 

Old Brooklyn Dodgers Fans

50 years ago the Dodgers left Brooklyn leaving the borough without a professional sports team. Unless the Nets resign Deron Williams, it will be 51 years until a professional sports team will play in Brooklyn. 


No need to explain. 

More Hipsters

Much More Hipsters

This Guy

Nets newest mascot.