Location: Probably A Tavern Called Stumps To fully take in this conversation, we must know a couple of things: 1.) That John James Audubon was the renowned early 19th century ornithological artist whose prints in Birds of... more »

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October 22, 2011

"Mr. Audubon, you certainly seem to know a lot about birds, don't you?"

"I'm sorry. Have I offended you, Mr. Cooper. Your tone is-"

"Not at all, Mr. Audubon. Not at all. Now, if I presented you with some of your prints, I assume you would be able to tell me the name of the bird. Am I correct in this assumption?"

"I suppose-"

"How about this one?"

"Campephilus Principalis or, what you would commonly call, the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker."

"Correct. And this one?"

"Falco Rusticolus or, what you would commonly call, the Gyrfalcon. This is the largest falcon species ever recorded."

"Correct again. And, Mr. Audubon, do birds urinate?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Audubon. What you would commonly call 'pee'?"

"Yes, I know what urinate means. But, why-"

"Just answer the question, please."

"Of course they do."

"But, have you ever seen a bird pee?"

"No, I have not."

"In all of your time birdwatching?"

"I suppose they keep certain acts private."

"Do they? And yet, they will shit on our shoulders in plain view. Explain that to me, Mr. Audubon."

"I don't think I can."

"Exactly. I don't think you can, either. Boom! Oh, barkeep! What's the damage?"