Meet Lloyd Christmas, he is a simple-minded limousine driver in Providence, Rhode Island, who becomes infatuated with his passenger client, Mary Swanson on her way to the airport and ultimately home to her family in Aspen, Colorado.
Meet Harry Dunne, he is a professional pet groomer for Mutt Cuts, but plans to open his own pet store to specialize in selling worm farms. Oh yeah, by the way he drives a car that looks like a sheep dog.
Meet Mary Swanson, a woman who is caught up in a bit of a mess right now. Her husband has been kidnapped, and is now on her way to leave a briefcase full of money for ransom in the airport.
Lloyd hates goodbyes.
Mary intentionally leaves a briefcase in the airport terminal for some thugs to pickup.
Lloyd, unknowing it is a ransom payoff for her husband, rushes in and grabs the case thinking she has accidentally left it, but is unable to catch her in time.
As if things could not get any worse for these two idiots, they both lose their jobs. Lloyd is fired for leaving the scene of an accident at the airport, and Harry is fired for bringing dogs late to a show like this.
Now Harry and Lloyd are in both jobless, have very little cash, and a locked briefcase that belongs to Mary Swanson who is on her way to Aspen. So they go out job searching.
The thugs break into the house while they are job searching to rough it up and leave a message, but the place is a shit hole any ways so he decides to rip Harry's birds head off.
Harry sends Lloyd out with the last of their money to pick up a few essentials. Lloyd accidentally leaves his wallet in a dirty magazine machine.
Lloyd asks a nice old lady to watch his wallet while he go breaks a dollar bill for quarters. He then tells her "Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!"
Harry: Where's the booze?Lloyd: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it comin'![Harry starts to moan in despair]Lloyd: Harry... Oh, come on, Harry. Cheer up...Harry: [voice breaks] It gets worse, Lloyd. My parakeet, Petey...Lloyd: Yeah?Harry: He's dead.Lloyd: Oh... Oh, man, I'm sorry, Harry. What happened?Harry: His head fell off.Lloyd: [reacts; whispers] His head fell off?Harry: Yeah, he was pretty old.
The thugs then come back later on. Harry and Lloyd think that they were with the gas company because they didn't pay the bill. So they leave a note on the door that says "Dear Gas Man. Went to Aspin. Sorry about the $$. Harry and Lloyd." The thugs think they are professionals because the one has an ulcer and thinks the note is about him.
So the boys hit the road for Aspen. Lloyd gets a little extra cash from the blind kid that lives by him by selling him some old baseball cards, a bag of marbles, and Pete......Harry's dead bird. Lloyd duck tapes the birds head back on.
They drive for a bit, then decide to get some food at a trucker stop, where they meet Flo. Lloyd says "excuse me Flo, whats the soup de jour?" she responds "its the soup of the day." Lloyd says "mmm...that sounds good....I'll have that."
While they are eating, Harry makes the mistake of spilling the salt so Lloyd tells him he has to throw some salt over his shoulder. Harry throws the entire salt shaker over his shoulder.....bad news bears.
He hits Seabass in the back of the head and he yells "Whos the dead man who threw the salt shaker!?" Lloyd points at Harry and says "Over here". Seabass spits a huge loogie in Harry's burger. Lloyd then comes up with a plan to get back at Seabass.
They go over to Seabass and his boys and tell them that they are sorry and would like to make it up to them by buying them a beer.....you are so sneaky Lloyd......
They then go up to the register to pay, and tell the cashier that Seabass feels really bad and wants to pay for their bill. The cashier is hesitant, but Lloyd points over at Seabass and Seabass waves his had so she buys it. Seabass thinks he is waving over the round of beers, but the cashier thinks he is paying for everything....classic
Seabass and his boys are pissed!
Harry is so amazed by the stunt they just pulled and asks Lloyd how he came up with it. Lloyd tells him he saw it in a movie and that they caught up with them a quarter mile down the road and slit their throats.....Now Lloyd has to piss real bad, but Harry won't pull over cuz he is scared shitless that Seabass is gonna catch up to them, so Lloyd pisses in a bunch of empty beer bottles.
Harry gets pulled over for speeding, the cop yells "Pull Over!" and Harry replies, "no its a cardigan, but thanks for asking!"
The cop thinks they are drinking and driving and tells them to hand the booze over. They try to warn him that its piss, but he isn't having it. He takes a swig and its game over. He starts twitching and shit. He thinks they are just sick and twisted so he tells them to get the hell out of there.
The thugs track them down and pretend like their car broke down so that they can get close to Harry and Lloyd and get their money back....bad idea fat man
He gets in the car with them and they are just so fucking annoying to him. They sing "mockingbird", play tag, and just really piss him off. Oh yea they pick up a group of mexicans on the road too. Then they sing a spanish version of "mockingbird".
After their crazy shinanagins in the car, they decide to go grab some lunch. Harry and Lloyd both eat one of the hottest peppers on earth and have to cool their mouths down with ketchup and mustard. The thug goes outside to call his boss and tell him that he is with the two guys who have the brief case. While he is out there Harry and Lloyd put a bunch of those peppers on his burger, not knowing he has an ulcer.
When the thug comes back in, Harry and Lloyd tell him that they are just returning the brief case to Mary and that they have no idea whats in it. The thug laughs, takes a bite of his burger and falls to the ground.
While he is dying on the ground he asks Lloyd to grab his pills out of his pocket for him. Lloyd grabs the wrong pills and gives him the rat poison that he was gonna use on the two of them....game over fat man....Harry and Lloyd get out of their real quick...."Check Please!"
"big gulps huh....welp....cya later!" Harry meets a black woman and tries getting her number and fails miserably at this point as well. Now its time for Lloyd to start driving....never good.
While Harry is sleeping, Lloyd takes a right when he should of turned left
Lloyd: I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad! Harry: A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep! Lloyd: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sitting here whining about it. We're in a hole. We're just going to have to dig ourselves out. After arguing the boys split up and go their separate ways...
Lloyd trades in the Sheep Dog van for a scooter and picks up Harry. At first Harry seems pissed and replies "Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!" Now they are heading to Aspen to find Mary!
They finally reach Aspen and now just have to track down Mary
Harry: Whatâs her last name? Iâll look it up.Lloyd: You know, I donât really recall. Starts with an S! Letâs see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?Harry: Maybe itâs on the briefcase.Lloyd: Oh, yeah! Itâs right here.[He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite]Lloyd: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.
Now they are in Aspen, they have no money, and Mary's number is unlisted. They get into an argument and Harry is fed up and is about to throw the briefcase into a pond when Lloyd tackles him. The briefcase opens up and there is a shit ton of money in it.....CHA CHING!!! Now the fun begins.
They decide that they can only spend money for necessity, thats it.......Good one
Time to get pimped out and steal the show!
They need fresh cuts if they wanna look good for Mary
And new outfits. So they show up to this event where Mary is at, and Lloyd is too nervous to talk to her so she has Harry go ask her out for him.
Oh yeah...this is the bad guy of the movie....hes a huge dick....he is the thugs boss
Harry goes to talk to Mary for Lloyd and ends up getting a date with her instead. Harry doesn't want to tell Lloyd so he makes up a story that she wants to meet him tomorrow at the hotel bar at 10 am. Lloyd is thrilled and wants to celebrate.
He cracks open a bottle of champagne, and the cork goes flying and kills the endangered owl that was presented at the ceremony. The bad guys think that Harry and Lloyd are still professionals bc they think that killing the owl was them sending a message not to fuck with them.
Lloyd goes to the bar in the morning to meet marry and gets stood up bc it was a made up date. Oh there is the black lady that Harry fudged up with at the gas station. Fancy seeing you here
Harry goes on the skiing date with Mary and they have a great time. Mean while, Lloyd finds out where Mary lives and goes to see her.
Lloyd is heartbroken and pissed when he sees Harry dropping Marry off from their date. Harry lands another date with her that evening. Not if Lloyd Christmas has anything to do with it.
Lloyd makes Harry a special drink before Harry meets up with Mary.....
Harry two minutes after walking into Mary's house. Lloyd then shows up at Mary's door to tell her that he has her briefcase at the hotel, all she has to do is hop on the scooter and come over.
After a very long ordeal, Mary finally has the brief case for the ransom...........
This guys is still pissed, and goes to the hotel room to get his money
Lloyd: Listen, Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase, my friend Harry and I have every intention of fully reimbursing you. Bossman: Open it up. Open it up! Lloyd: [Motioning to Mary] Go ahead, open it up. Do what he says. Hurry. Bossman: What is this? What is this? Where's all the money? Lloyd: That's as good as money, sir. Those are I.O.U.'s. Go ahead and add it up, every cent's accounted for.
Look, see this? That's a car. 275 thou. Might wanna hang onto that one.
Then shit gets real, Harry comes back to the hotel, they all get tied up, and bossman is about to shoot Harry and Lloyd.
Harry gets shot........oh shit.........
Remember this bitch? Awwww shit, shes with the FBI and gave Harry a bullet proof vest when he wen through the lobby. Lloyd asks "what if they shot him in the head?" She replied "that was a risk we were willing to take."
Mary and her husband reunite, blah blah blah, Lloyd and Harry make their way back to Providence....there is a scene with a bunch of bikini girls that need some boys to rub lotion on them all summer on their tour......they are idiots and tell them to go to aspen to find some guys.......frankly i didn't think that it would take 56 slides to do this....im tired....and now im done....the end.....if i missed something don't tell me about it.....go fuck yourself......THE END