Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

To prepare for Hurricane Sandy, the MTA began shutting down service Sunday night throughout New York City. Said the MTA, “What hurricane?”

A New Jersey weather service bulletin told residents not leaving “to think about the rescue/recovery teams who will rescue you if you are injured or recover your remains if you do not survive.” Adding, “Isn’t it bad enough you’re making them spend more time in New Jersey?”

The New York Times has endorsed President Obama for re-election. Obama thanked them for the endorsement while managing to also bring up what Mitt Romney said about the auto industry.

Meanwhile, the Des Moines Register endorsed Mitt Romney, saying he can “implode the partisan gridlock that has shackled Washington.” Because only a white man can truly unshackle something.

A magnitude-7.7 earthquake was recorded off the western coast of Canada. Residents were immediately warned not to complain since it’s not a hurricane.

The White House is reportedly considering a new tax cut. Also, who wants free cupcakes all throughout December?

In a new interview, Paul McCartney says Yoko Ono did not break up the Beatles. Said McCartney, “If anyone broke us up, it was John for letting Yoko Ono manipulate him and turn him against us.”

Madonna was booed at a concert in New Orleans for saying, “I don’t care who you vote for as long as you vote for Obama.” The audience more upset that she'd tried to outdo the comedic magnum opus that was 1987's "Who's That Girl?"

A Republican and former aide to Colin Powell recently commented, "My party is full of racists." "And...?" said everyone.

According to a new poll, Americans are actually more racist now than they were in 2008. "Hooray!" said Mitt Romney.

The New York City medical examiner’s office has been found to be storing 9,200 brains, possibly without cause. Being New York City, it's also unclear where they found them.

Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has been sentenced to four years in jail for tax fraud. They really threw the book at him. On the bright side, he's used to it.