Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Barnes & Noble says 63 stores were affected by a credit card-skimming scam. Fortunately, only 5 had made a sale recently.

Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock said that pregnancies resulting from rape are "something that God intended to happen." Which is one more thing that such pregnancies and Mourdock's election don't appear to have in common.

Mitt Romney's campaign said he still supports Mourdock despite his comments. Well, it was fun while it lasted, Moderate Debate Mode Mitt Romney.

Donald Trump is offering President Obama $5 million for a charity of his choice if Obama releases his college and passport records. If only other racially motivated millionaire conspiracy theorists were so generous!

Tagg Romney apologized to President Obama for saying he wanted to punch him for calling his dad a liar. Still though, when they shook hands, he made sure Obama let go first.

Facebook reported that it's making $1.1 billion a year through mobile ads. Because you know what's cooler than a billion dollars? Trying to trick people into trying online dating.

South Korean pop singer Psy met with UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon in New York, with Ki-moon attempting to do the "Gangnam Style" dance. "How wonderfully whimsical!" said Syrians, clapping their hands together in pure joy.

Sudan alleges that Israeli airstrikes caused an explosion at an arms factory in the country’s capital. But Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu argues the factory wasn't quite ready to explode on its own.

Sarah Palin attacked President Obama for his "shuck and jive" regarding the embassy attack in Libya. In her defense, it sounds less racist with her down-home accent.

Hockey team the New York Islanders are reportedly relocating to the Barclays Center in Brooklyn. The Islanders say they're happy to play anywhere just as long as the Smoke Monster isn't there.

Gossip magazine Life & Style is being sued by Tom Cruise for saying he abandoned his 6-year-old daughter Suri. Said Life & Style, "Check out what TOM CRUISE said about BABY SURI this time!"

The former mistress of Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain is writing a book about their affair. She said she could never tell if he was serious about their relationship or if it was some elaborate joke considering how inexperienced he was.