This guy wants you to send him a picture of your wiener. Yeah that's right. Your wiener. The really small one. He claims he needs it for "research," but this is the same guy who posts pictures of his dick online for money. Not only that but you can now become a fan of his dick on his dick's 5,000 friend fan page. Sounds like this guy wants your dick to get some of the glory. Resist the urge to Favre. Delete the wiener guy now and give a new meaning to the phrase cock block.
Hot Teenage Second Cousin
It's your cute teenage second cousin, who you've only met once. But do you feel comfortable watching your second cousin transition from adolescence to womanhood by perusing through her suggestive modeling photos? Delete her now and add her back when she turns 21 so there will be less sexual tension coming from your news feed. You're running out of time. Any minute now you will be tempted to poke her. Must. Delete. Now.
Deceptive Profile Picture Girl
Look at that profile picture. Don't she look lovely? With her hair done up elegantly and that lovely dress. But click on the pictures that she was tagged in and it is a completely different story. Wholesome profile picture girl is gone. Now it's Dirty Becky, the cute little alcoholic. There she is, peeing on the sidewalk with a tall boy of Natty Light in each hand. How pretty.
How did this little kid get on your news feed? Every status update says something like "Quack quack eeee eeee" or "The dog goes woof." What the hell is that? You should not feel comfortable having a baby on your Facebook page. You initially accepted the friend request because you felt bad saying no to a 5 year old, but now you have to worry about the cops coming to your house every time you log in.
Deceptive Webcam Girl
When you log on to Facebook, you see the smoking hot modeling pictures that "she" has posted. You log onto Facebook to socialize with your friends. You don't want to have to bite your fist to keep from creaming yourself every time you look at your news feed. This is going to be very hard for you. But you have to say goodbye. Unless she calls you sometime or something. Maybe you two can work this out. Dammit, no. You can't do this anymore. Take one more trip to the bathroom and delete "her."
Depressing Poem Girl
You know what you should always look for in a poem? You should look for that poem to ruin your morning. Because when she posts updates like "For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been," she is clearly trying to send you into a depression koma. Delete her now or cry over your corn flakes like a bitch.
Scary Gun Enthusiast Guy
This guy thinks he's the shit because he got arrested at McDonald's for flashing a gun. Okay so he was licensed, and it's part of his rights as an American to carry, but it's all starting to get scary, isn't it? His posts include gun law rants, photographs posing with guns, photographs posing with guns while posing with children that have guns, and photographs posing with guns while also posing with children that have guns while pistol whipping minorities that do not have guns. Let us hope he accidentally shoots off one of his toes so the bad balance prevents him from walking into McDonald's or anywhere ever again.
What is your mom doing on Facebook? You love her and everything, but that's your mom, not your Facebook friend. Does she even know how to use Facebook? Have your dad show her or something. Ah, never mind, he doesn't know how to use it either. He sucks at technology. Oh wait, no, that's not the real reason. I almost forgot. He's dead.